Granny's Advice

Dear loving stepmother,

You are a compassionate person. It's clear that your motives in whatever you are doing for this child are anything but selfish. Starting from this strength, I'm sure that whatever you do next will be in the best interest of all concerned - and that includes a fairly wide group of people.

First comes the child herself. I wish I knew how old she is, but I'm assuming that she is fairly young to need protection from possible abuse, and also from loss of self respect. Knowing that her mother is doing "bad" things is hard to take for a youngster so there must be someone around to reassure her that though her mother has made mistakes, she is not entirely evil; someone to point out to the child whatever good qualities her mother may have. This person, I presume, will be you.

If this little girl is the daughter of your husband, his feelings must be a part of the formula for success in your handling of the situation. His disgust at the way his former wife is conducting herself should not spill over in any discussions with his daughter; in fact he should be warned about how important it is for him to avoid any adverse remarks about her. If a child is repeatedly told that one of her parents is evil, she will have a hard time believing that she is not partly evil as well.

If your step-daughter goes back to her mother now, after two years with you, I can see nothing but disruption in her life. I'm sure that having her back would be good for the rehabilitation of her mother, but stabilization in the life of the child is more important in the long run.

There could be a number of reasons why she thinks she would like to go back to her mother now. Perhaps she's been told how much her mother misses her and is sorry for her. Maybe she thinks that life would be a lot more fun, away from whatever house rules you have and into an imagined life of fun and games with her mother. She may be under pressure of a feeling of guilt, for having left her mother.

You have made progress with this little girl and if you can possibly continue on this course, you should. I'd like to see opportunities for her to be with her mother for specific events; outings and visits, but not without others present. If they were to be left together, alone, it would be impossible for her mother to resist using these times to try to persuade her, outrightly and subtly, to come back to mother.

You have managed to get things going for the good of this little girl. Stay the course. Persuade your husband to support your efforts for his child And do your level best to maintain a respectful relationship with the mother.

Knowing little of the situation, and going only on what few facts you have sent me, this is my best advice and I sure hope it helps.

Truly yours,
GG