Granny's Advice

My l9 year old son about two months ago started going out with this 27 year old woman who has 3 children. Her ex-husband has countless protection from abuse orders against him for beating her up. He is also father to her three children. My son told me she is 23 years old, I found out he was lying.

Now she wants to have him move in with her. She works a different shift than my son, so he watches the three kids. My son works night shift, so he gets approx. 2 hours sleep per day. He takes the kids to daycare in the morning, and the girlfriend to work in the afternoon. He has never acted like this before. I am so worried about him, with the whole situation.

He owes me approx. $l,000, and she claims she is going to give it to him, so he can move in with her. Is there anything I can do to stop him? Please help me. I don't know what to do.

Dear distraught mother,

I can appreciate your concern and you've taken a big step to solve it already. Just writing down the problem in words shows that you are also able to solve it.

We have to take the problems one by one and try to see what's really going wrong. In the first place, there is nothing bad about people of different ages getting married. The easiest way to live is with someone your own age but we all know of cases where even large differences result in long and happy marriages.

Contemplating a long relationship these days may seem unrealistic, but as mothers we can always hope that our children will manage that. I can't really think that your son is going to have a miserable life simply because his mate is eight years older than he is.

But you will say I'm overlooking a major point - she has three children - and has been abused by her previous husband. Well, I can't believe that having children has made her an unfit wife for your son and it seems to me that they really need a good father for a change. Probably you have set such an example for your own son that he will know how to love them and give them a good safe home. That's all good, so what's wrong with the picture?

Well, what I find to be very sad is that he felt he had to lie to you about her age. I guess he was afraid you would disapprove and feels still so close to you that he does not want to upset ypu. When our children have to lie to us, that's just too bad, but usually it's avoidable. One thing we give our children which nobody else ever does is unconditional love. Your son must have been afraid your love might stop if you knew how old his girlfriend was. Too bad. Tell him it's not important to you, that you stand behind him no matter what, and he won't have to lie to you again.

Next is the matter of the babysitting shifts - seems like a big job he's taking on and I'm not sure he'll be able to manage all that extra sleeplessness but all we can do is wait and see. It will work out or it won't - but here again there's nothing anyone can do about that except your son. You'd be better off if you just stand aside and watch it all unfold.

If the thousand dollars is terribly important to you, well I guess you just have to hope it will be paid back. But I hope you won't be pressing him for it. Think of the possible scenario of him wanting to come home again. Don't make it impossible for him to do that if he needs you again. Whatever transpires in this adventure he is having rescuring that fair damsel in distress, you are always his mother and he must feel safe and loved and respected in your home.

You can never change anyone else. Your son and this lady he's in love with, and her children, and the whole situation is out of your hands. All you have control over is yourself and this calls for lots of constraint. Try to be as friendly to her as it is humanly possible, and please don't lecrture your son. You've been doing that for long enough - by now I'm sure he has got your message.

Be proud of him. I think he's trying to do a lovely thing. You have raised a charming young man.

Yours sincerely, GG