Granny's Advice

MY husband refused to be " the bad guy " and made me be the one to tell her she couldn't be there. Well, that really made her mad even though we called her right after the baby was delivered and she got to see the baby when he was abou t 2 hours old. Then she wanted me to bottlefeed him but I planned to breastfeed . She also wanted to take him away from me right away . Literally, when he was less than a week old she thought I should be willing to leave him with her for an afternoon or two a week. I absolutely refused until he was a month old and then I let her take him twice a week for 2 hours. Well she's been away for the winter but is coming back for the summer and although she's welcome to visit him here anytime , she wants to take him away from me again.

I wouldn't mind 3-4 hours once a week . Infact the break would be nice but she's already made it clear that she wants him several days aweek. I do understand that she probably feels like she has to stake a claim on this grandchild but how much visitation away from me is reasonable? Also, she believes in spanking and my husband and I dont. I'm sure she'll agree not to spank to get to take him but when we're not there she could do it anyway. I believe grandparent grand child relationships are important but this is worrying me . thanks !

Dear daughter in law,

It's worrying me too. So much, in fact, that I think you would be wise to have a long discussion about this with your husband to be sure he will support you, and then settle the matter for once and for all with his mother.

Bonding with her grandson may be important to her, but let's look at this from the baby's point of view. Obviously your mother in law has different ideas of how to raise a child. You can thank her for having raised your husband so well that you have chosen him to live with for the rest of your life, but she should not be in charge of your child.

Times have changed. Spanking, for instance, is no longer a choice that parents can make for themselves. Children can charge their parents with child abuse - I know it seems trivial - but it happens. And this is not the main issue here. The main issue is that your mother in law will, no matter what she promises, treat your baby as she feels best. This will undoubtedly not be the way you would want him to be treated.

And that's only one issue. Her not wanting you to nurse the baby is, to me, extremely sinister. She definitely wants this baby to be independent of you. He is, in her mind, going to fill a void in her own life. I imagine that is why her other daughter in law keeps the children away from her; she is trying to take them over, the way she has been with yours.

Your mother in law has no legal right to take your baby for any amount of time, ever. She should play with him when she visits you, but I wouldn't leave him alone with her,until he is much older, like ten or twelve. Meanwhile he can keep in touch, at your house, so he will always know his grandmother, and love her as a granny, not as a surrogate mother.

She's missing all the fun of being a granny - by wanting to take him over. The fun of it is in just playing, enjoying good times, and not being stuck with all that responsibility. If she won't be on friendly terms with you, after you have told her she will not be taking your son any more, then you would be better off without her friendship. This will be a test of your husband because you know he will want to side with his mother - but grown man have to make these choices all the time. Count on him to make the right one, for the sake of his son if nothing else.

I believe that when you explain to your husband that if he wants his son to be his own, and to raise him in his own way, he must agree not to give him over to his mother. She doesn't trust you to raise your son right - but that is her problem, not yours. If you need advice, there are plenty of places to go for it. I can't urge you enough to keep him in your own home and not let her have him. This is not because she would wish any harm to him, but he will be damaged by having two different people telling him what is right and what is wrong.

I guess I've made my point as clear as I can. Your chore now is not easy, but it's for the sake of you and your husband, and especially your child. As for your mother in law, I think she has some real problems which I wish she would write and tell me because I have some excellent advice for her which I know she would understand.

Be strong, dear, and take your son into your own hands. I'm so glad you insisted on breastfeeding him.

Yours sincerely, GG