Granny's Advice

My problem is that I now have a 3 month old son who will be crawling at Christmas and I don't know how to handle my in-laws visits with my son. Their house is a death-trap. There is junk piled to the ceiling in every room. You can't see the kitchen countertops because of the dirty dishes. The pink carpet looks brown. There is only a 2 ft. path through her living room (enough space to walk through). On our week long visit last month, I only took my son over there once. I held him the whole time. He even slept in my arms because I was afraid to put him in the "nursery". There was a pile of junk in there that I didn't want to fall on him! They did see him 3 other times that week, but it wasn't at their home.

My husband and I talked about this more than once and still don't know what to do. I told him that if I walked into a daycare that looked like my in-laws home, I wouldn't leave him there. He agreed. What do I do about the holidays? Do I tell her to clean up or we won't be coming over? Do I tell her that I would rather visit with her at my parents home? I don't think telling her to clean up would do any good because she knows she is messy and doesn't think anything of it! I can't stand the filth anymore and I will not expose my son to it! Please help me!!!!

Dear worried Mom, Your baby is your responsibility. Apparently the man you have chosen to live with for the rest of your life was successfully raised despite his mother's bad housekeeping, and your child might not be adversely affected by the same messy environment; on the other hand, you don't want to take any chances while he is still young.

So I guess you'll have to keep holding him in your lap while you are visiting your mother in law, until he is old enough to cope with the high piles of clothing, papers, furniture, etc.. You can control your child; he is yours. You can't control the house ; it is hers.

But I'm not as worried about your child as I am about your mother in law. She could be getting a lot more enjoyment of her home with a little help from her friends. You and your husband are both concerned and there is something wonderful that you can do f or her. If you could devote a day to her, you'd make a huge difference, helping her sort out some of those things that clutter her home. She wouldn't need to face the prospect of throwing out anything that she might want to keep, but just temporarily remove thing s that she doesn't use every day.

Rent a storage space somewhere nearby and a U-Haul truck to move the articles. Don't throw anything away, unless she specifically asks you to, just remove the piles of unused items to storage, telling her that you want her to have more space in her house. You don't need to mention that you think her place is unsanitary and a danger to your child - that would be unkind. Make sure she knows you are doing it to make life more pleasant for her in her own home. Smile and be happy and make this whole operation fun for everyone involved. Don't scold; make it enjoyable.

After there is a bit more room don't hope for perfection, after all, she doesn't want you fussing around in her home. Leave things as they are. Watch your baby while you are there and try to make visits to that home brief but pleasant. It will not help an ything at all for you to complain or even draw your mother in law's attention to her messy premises.

If your attempts to free her from the bondage of all that clutter won't work, well, just make your next visit very short and invite her to your parents' home for your Christmas party this year. You'll be surprised how fast your little boy will grow up to a point where that messy house is no longer a threat.

In the meanwhile, when your mother in law knows you are willing to devote some real time and effort, and the cost of storage and moving, to help her, she might even get some of the job done herself before your next visit.

It might not help your condition to know this, but there are many, many elderly people who live in abysmally messy homes, because they can't get up the mental energy needed to sort out their belongings. It is not at all unusual and is not a sign of anythi ng serious.

This letter has probably not been much help but I guess my main message is that you have to cope with the situation as it is, try to improve it if you can, and either way, just be patient and take care of your child without being cruel to his grandmother.

Yours sincerely, GG