First of all, I wish you lived next door so we could be friends. You
seem like such a neat person. Thank you for letting me talk to you.
You are really an answer to prayer.
My mother is 82, and has lived with me for 3-4 years. On Christmas Eve
she had a stroke - her third. I brought her back home one week later.
The stroke seems to have affected her hearing, her voice and her speech
- in that order. I am somewhat confused about the hearing and voice and
will discuss that with the doctor at a later time. (We are in the midst
of a near epidemic of flu and my beloved looks about to collapse
himself).
Let me get to the point. I am burned out. I love my mom and have taken
care of her willingly and happily for almost 4 years with no financial
assistance. Mine and my husband's feeling is that mom's money (I doubt
there is much) is mom's money. We are not wealthy, but we have been in
stable jobs and lived modestly for 32 years and we are able to care for
her without asking for funds from her. Mom does provide for her own
medicines ($5-7K per year), supplemental insurance, and daily health
care provider (4-5 hours per day). Another sibling pays those bills for
her and keeps her financial things in order - at least - so we thought.
This sibling (approximately 60) has been taking my mother's pain-killers
for years. I didn't do anything about it because #1, my mom is
competent to make her own decisions, I think. #2 - I just didn't have
the emotional or physical energy to deal with it and #3 - I didn't want
a confrontation. I have reason to believe that this sibling is also
mishandling the funds.
I am now in a position of forcing my mother to ask my sibling to
relinquish control of the funds and to appoint me power of attorney. I
don't have time to handle the funds and don't want to. I would prefer
to have them administered by a paid bookkeeping system with a report
sent quarterly to whomever mom directs. The fact is that to protect my
mental and physical health, I cannot deal with this sibling. My insides
are in an uproar, my blood pressure rises, and buried hurts and anguish
boil over and come out of my mouth with un-characteristic venom. I know
I have to find counseling and address these old issues. I know I must
have buried them rather than eliminated them. Another BUT, I have to act
now on the practical aspects of mom's care.
I guess I am hoping that you will let me see myself in real life, real
time. Maybe my view of things is jaded. Maybe it is unreasonable of me
to expect - no demand - these changes be made by my mother. Maybe I am
- like my sibling said - nuts.
Now comes the big BUT - Through a series of events, this rather abrasive
sibling stirred things up once again, and the poo hit the fan. Anger
and hatred came pouring from me that I didn't know existed. I had given
my life to God (I thought with all of my heart!) about 2 years ago and I
thought I had forgiven this sibling for all the hurts and troubles they
had caused to all of us. Apparently not.
I was so distraught that I couldn't walk across the parking lot to my
car. A nice 'greeter' at the hospital brought me tissues and patted my
shoulder and asked if someone had died. I blurted out that no one had
died, but I wished I could. And, right then, I meant it. She took me
to the hospital chapel and called a minister to come be with me. I left
the chapel after about an hour feeling drained but more in control and
felt that maybe the outburst was what I needed to empty the bitterness
from my soul, once and for all. I asked God to forgive me and, I asked
my sibling to forgive me. I do confess though, that I did not feel
especially sincere when asking for her forgiveness, but, I decided to
'fake it till I make it' because I didn't know what else to do.
Well, I fooled me, because all of the anger and hatred toward the
situations and people involved are still there - big time, and I don't
know how much longer I can cope with all of it.
I know my value. I am 51 years old, worked 50-60 hours a week at a job
I enjoy with people that are true friends, and am taking a full college
load (which I also enjoy). I'm good and I'm kind. This in addition to
taking care of my home, my hubby, trying to get to attend church at
least on Sundays and e-mail my son at college.
I've made many mistakes in my life. I told imaginative lies as a child
(I think to cover up the self-loathing brought on by molestation
beginning at 7 years by this problem siblings ex-spouse. I am large
(all of my siblings were small), I am boisterous, I laugh a lot (my
sibling said I was crude and loud), I am intelligent (sibling says I am
a stupid "b"). I thought I was coping - but I guess I am not.
My GPA (until the last three classes) was 4.0. My son is the type of
child any parents would dream about having. He's witty, handsome, kind,
and wonderful (OK - so I am a little proud:-) and he gave his life to
God at 12. His father and I found out at the baccalaureate, when he
gave the address, that 2 months prior to that date, God had called him
to the ministry. I have great nephews and nieces and some good friends.
And my husband is a rock - he's my safe place. So, you see, I know in
my mind and with part of my heart that there is a great deal right with
my life. I can feel good about it. Again, the BUT, my deepest places
in my heart are now calling me a fake and deserving of loathing, and a
failure again. I thought I was coping, but I am not.
I'm sorry, Great-Granny, that this rambles. But I must go. Thank you
for listening and if you can say something to help me - I really need
it.
Thank you.
Dear caregiver,
In this day and with these tools at our fingertips, we do live next door to eachother. We can be as close as we wish to be, and after reading your long letter, I feel very close to you. You apologize for rambling; well my dear, read on and you will see that I too can ramble.
No, dear long suffering care giver, you are not jaded, and you are certainly not nuts. Hard though it is you must proceed with your gut instinct and get total control of all your mother's affairs. Then get yourself a friendly accountant to handle it for you. Whatever she may pay the accountant will be worth it for your peace of mind, and could be less than the current drain on your mother's funds!
Get a lawyer to arrange power of attorney for you and get your sister out of the picture entirely. That is going to be the hardest part of the whole affair - much harder than all the work you have already done for your mother - but it must be done. It should not be impossibly difficult if you can find a friendly lawyer who will get the legal part done and then find you an accountant.
Whether you have forgiven your sibling, and regardless of how many outbursts you may suffer, and how suicidal you feel when your bitterness takes over, just press on regardless and get that transaction behind you . God has already forgiven your faked apology to your sister. There are times when the ends justify the means and this is one of those. Your mother is worth it -
You have done a lot of self searching and have discovered that you are a great human being - everything about your life is exemplary. Stray thoughts and petty acts that cause you to feel like a bad person are far outweighed by the many huge acts of kindness and love that are more typical of your daily behaviour. You owe it to nobody to prove your worth. You know, your mother knows, your husband knows, your son knows, and God knows and who else matters? There is quite a community there who stand firmly behind you.
Lean on them all - be sure they all know exactly what you are doing - then get yourself together and make those appointments with a lawyer. Get the authority in your hands, have the bank accounts changed into joint accounts for you and your mother together. Also see to it that a proper will is drawn up.
Anyone who can do as careful a study of your own innermost feelings and the entire situation as you have done in your letter to me, can also take on this arduous chore of achieving power of attorney for your mother. No, dear, it is not easy, but it can be done. Every month you put it off is one month too long.
Draw a deep breath. Gather strength from those you trust, and just do it.
Yours very truly,
Great Granny
My husband was just offered a job several states away. It is a nice
promotion for him. Our only problem with it is it will put us 3 1/2
hours away from his parents. If we excluded them from the decision it
would be an easy one for us, unfortunately we must consider their
impact. The problem is my mother-in-law. She is always right, never
apologizes and throws a huge fit if someone stands up to her. She has
cut her husband and son off from seeing his mother (her mother-in-law)
and wouldn't even let us invite her to our wedding 5 years ago. Once
she is convinced of something, that is all there is.
As it stands now, when my in-laws visit us they must come for 6-8 days
and just stay around the house. We have a 2 year old daughter whom they
adore (my husband is their only child) which is great. However, when
they visit they don't want to do anything and I feel horrible sitting
around with them as well while my husband goes off to work (I am a stay
at home mom). We are afraid that if we are so close to them the visits
will be more frequent and for 4-5 days each. It is just too much.
Everyone must watch what they say around her so as not to set her off.
My husband is afraid that if we rub her wrong, she will cut off all
communication with us. Therefore, no one says anything and we have to
either bite our tongues or apologize to her for upsetting her.
Christmas is another big issue along these same lines. My feelings of
being smothered by her are intensifying and I am scared to death of
moving closer to her. I'm not sure my marriage could survive. I am
really torn because I don't want to hold my husband back professionally.
Please give me some advice!
Dear Not Sure,
I do not share your uncertainty about the survival of your marriage. You folks have too much going for you to let one neurotic mother in law ruin it all. You have eachother to lean on and a lovely little daughter for whom it is worth keeping your family together. And on top of all this good fortune, your husband has been offered a promotion. Take it!
If you really want his mother to run your life, you should know that wouldn't work. She can't take on all the responsibilities you have to yourselves, to eachother, to your baby, and to all the rest of the children who might come later. Look into good schools and other amenities in the community where you intend to live, but don't let the nearness of your in laws worry you. Three and a half hours away means nothing these days. I live in Ottawa and could be in Detroit in less than that time, so should I refuse to live here because somebody in Detroit might be a nuisance? Not likely.
Take the job. Make the move. And then set about solving the problem with your mother in law when and if it actually happens. You say you are afraid their visits will be more frequent - you don't know for sure. And you surmise these visits will be four or five days - but they may not be. In fact they may be fewer than they are now, and shorter. Wait and see. If she lives that close you might find it interesting to make more phone calls - let your daughter phone her granny on Sunday mornings and talk things over.
What's so terrible about this woman anyway? You say she is always right. If this is so, how's about listening to her and taking some of her "rightness" seriously? You say she never apologizes - well, do you? After you and she have had a dispute of some sort, would you ever consider calling her and telling her you're sorry you lost your cool? You say she also throws a huge fit if someone stands up to her. Well, that's too bad. Poor example for the younger generations, but also not surprising because she may feel that she's bucking the whole family and has no support for her views.
I wonder what would happen if, in one of these showdowns, you were to take her part against the others. Warn your husband in advance so he won't think you are turning on him. When he sees you are trying to bring peace to a trouble spot, he'll let it ride. This is not an easy thing to do but I think you could manage it and the results might be astonishing.
I'm sorry that you didn't invite your husband's granny to your wedding, for whatever reason, but that was five years ago. Forget it, and next time you have an important family decision to make, do it yourself. Don't let your mother in law do your thinking. If she has a tantrum, that's her problem. Ignore it. Don't flounce out - just go quietly into the kitchen and make brownies.
You say you are a "stay at home" but when your mother in law comes for a visit you don't want to stay at home. So don't. Make plans for interesting activities and carry them out. Take your daughter with you, or leave her with her granny - but don't feel you have to sit in the house and watch them for four or five days at a stretch.
Why is your husband so afraid of having her cut off all communication? Is there an inheritance involved? If so, I wouldn't let that spoil my life if I were you. If you can't possibly be with this woman without risking high blood pressure, you have to take the consequences. Either make the effort to placate her and keep peace in the family, or confront her and let the sparks fly. This is your choice. I'd choose the former - just go along with her - make a game of seeing if you can avoid her flair up. Seems like she's a pretty strong minded person. You, too, can be strong minded. Take charge and do not let her determine your entire future.
Remembering always that this whole situation is much harder on your husband than it is on you, resist the temptation to complain about her to him. Swallow your pride and make your priority be your own little family of three.
What I'm proposing is not easy, but I think you're up to it.
Good luck,
Great Granny
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