Granny's Advice

Anyhow, John and I have been dating for five years. We had visited Minnesota and his family on a few occasions before the co mmencement of my school year in the fall. What bothers me is her affections towards him.

This past Thanksgiving, at the dinner table, while everyone else was finishing the last of their meals, his mother comes over to the table, and starts "massaging " his back. I felt uncomfortable. She did not offer to massage my back, her own daughters back or her husband's back.

There have been other occasions where I felt that her physical affections substituted a greater need for love which she lacked in h er own relationship. When he visited last, I dropped him off at his family's home so that he could spend a few nights with them alone. Very oddly, when we arrived at the home, we were told that his mother was sleeping. It was only eight o'clock. I stayed with John for about an hour at his parent's house, chatting. Later that night, John told me that his mother "got up" as soon as I left and talked to him for hours. In particular, she had bought several special down pillows... so she wanted him to test ou t the pillows.

Their house is small, so it is unlikely that she did not hear us arrive. And it is equally out of character for her to not wait up for him.

Other occasions of uncomfortability... one time, we were all sitting casually on the bed. S he started to rub his arms... actually pat it in a soothing manner. It was disturbing for me. More disturbing was the fact that she wore a nightgown, revealing her cleavage. John is 26 years old. We have talked about this.

At the last dinner we atten ded with her presence, she left her chair to sit next to John on the couch, she proceeded to put her arm around his shoulder and offer him "back taps." John politely, asked her to stop. It makes both of us uncomfortable. However, it is probably more diffi cult for John to verbalize this level of uncomfortability at times than it is for me. How can we handle this? How can I discuss my concerns with John in a fair manner that does not put him on the defensive towards his mom? John and I are planning soon to get engaged. But, I am unwilling to get engaged with these unresolved problems...

Please advise.

Dear worried girlfriend,

You have described an affectionate family relationship which bothers you because you feel like an outsider. The final sentence in your letter is not a question; it's a statement of fact. You tell me you are unwilling to get engaged with what you perceive to be an unresolved problem.

The problem here is neither the appealing young man you were hoping to marry, nor is it his loving mother who just can't keep her hands off him. The problem is you.

Taking the instances you relate one by one, I see nothing threatening in any of them. A time will come, if you do decide to marry him, when apportunities will be come scarce for his mother to pat his back, massage his shoulders, and enjoy the pleasure of long heart to heart talks with him in the privacy of her bedroom. This man's entire character, which so appeals to you, has been built by those very hands that you now want her to keep off "your property".

Try to imagine how many times in his life those very hands have held him, nurtured him, steered him on his way to becoming the man you now love. Don't let jealousy enter your mind; only gratitude.

T he very characteristics that draw his mother to him, as a confidante and true friend, will work magic in your own marriage. Perhaps his mother's relationship with her own husband has been less close than she would have wished. Her need to be close to her son should not be looked upon askance. In her daily work she deals with very young children and, whether you wish to believe it or not, she still sees her own children in that light - as children. I have sons and daughters in the same age group as your b oyfriend's parents, and still call them my "children" - and yes, I hug them and yes, we do have long private discussions whenever there's an opportunity.

Your boyfriend's father's old fashioned ways are not unusual. We old folks are old fashioned, it goes with the territory - it's part of our job description. Our men handled the money, and expected dinner at six. And we women obliged. And the fortunate young people growing up in our households picked up the best traditions - and that is good.

No , Linda dear, I think you are one of the most fortunate ones. When you see how many dysfunctional families there are all around you, rejoice with your nice young man that there is love in his family. Love takes on many forms, and the kind of love that ma kes his mother want to touch him and be with him should not be a problem for you.

Just let it be. Also be prepared to cope with the next stage - the natural jealousy his mother will feel towards you. Your best approach to the whole situation is to befriend her, ask her advice often, and don't begrudge a moment of her time with her son.

If you can do this, I can't promise you an easy life, but it sure will be a lot less worrisome.

Yours truly,
Great Granny

I guess that my husband and I are caught in the generation gap. We have raised 3 lovely children, one is a civil engineeer, another a lawyer and our only girl is a teacher. She is th e baby of the family. Well, she is 23 and does not live at home, but shares an apartment with another woman teacher.

She met a young man, three years her senior through the internet. They have been involved for 6 months, though it has been long dis tance as he lives one coast and she on the other. They have both visited each others home town for a weeks stay once and each time the "visitor" stayed in a hotel. He, however is planning to move here and has the prospect of a job lined up (he also is a teacher).

The difficulty that we as her parent are having is that not only is he moving here, but moving in with her.

Now the place she lives in is only a 2 bed condiminium and her other roomie is not moving out. So the writing on the wa ll is pretty clear. She has never done anything like this before, always seeming calm and levelheaded and yes, she has had boyfriend before.

We have explained our concerns about not jumping into this as other than the 2 weeks that they have actua lly shared the same location, the only contact they have had is via internet. We also explained to her that as teachers they should think of the example they are setting, as the condiminium is in the same town and area where she teaches.

He is planni ng to teach in a catholic school and I guess preach to the students other than what they will be practicing. We do not have anything against this young man, we really do not know him, but these events are causing us concern. We know that both of these p eople are definitely adults and can do as they please. No matter what we will always love our daughter.

Do you have any advice that you can share??

As for being in a gap, that's just a much misused metaphor; there is no gap, just a continuing stream of events that we are all party to, and very mu ch a part of.

When we were children the whole topic of sex and what to do about it was never discussed and we never asked because, remember, we were to be seen but not heard. That meant we were well behaved and asked no questions. When our time came to make important decisions we were supposed to draw on whatever wisdom had leaked through the silence. Probably we had gained some hints from school friends, news items, and religious education of one sort or another, but our parents never sat us down an d told us point blank to watch out for people we met on the Internet, for instance.

Now, as you describe the affair your grown and fully adult daughter is having, it doesn't seem very wild to me. They are both teachers so we know their minds have gon e through certain discipline and they have achieved serious and difficult goals. He is 26 which seems terribly young to us (I have grandchildren older than that) but when I was 26 I had four children and was typing for professors to help my husband throug h university. I'll bet you were doing something equally serious and significant at that age.

We didn't meet our mates in the Internet - wouldn't have even imagined such a thing - but just where did we meet them? Somewhere just as common as the Intern et is today, no doubt.

Your daughter and her friend have visited each other's families and have decided to live together before diving into marriage. Maybe they will never actually buy the piece of paper that is supposed to guarantee permanence. Don' t be too surprised if they omit that little formality and choose to stay together just as long as they can add to eachother's pleasure and usefulness.

Marriage may be coming back into vogue but it has not been found to be an absolute essential and ce rtainly not a guarantee for happy living; either for the couples involved or their children.

If they find that professional pressure forces them to choose between marriage and separation, they will make their own choice, but I think you're getting a bit over anxious when you suggest that the young man will be preaching to his students.

You are right in one way; youngsters do derive much information from what their elders do, in addition to what they say, but everyone in school knows that men and women live together these days without being married. Some people may be preaching against the practice but lots of others think it avoids more problems than it creates.

You've explained your thoughts on the matter clearly to your daughter so she wi ll take that into consideration when she makes her choice of lifestyle, no doubt. I hope you haven't closed any doors between you and her because whether she marries the man or not she will still need your moral support and advice all along the course she chooses to take.

You ask me for advice, but you've already given my answer. You accept that she is an adult and you will always love her. That says it all. You've done your part, and done it well. She is living in her world, which is now also yours so don't fight it. You have made friends on the Internet - me for instance - and you know that just because we met here instead of at our local tennis club we can still be depended upon.

Loving her no matter what happens might become more difficult - but you'll persist, I know, and that will include children she might have. Just look on this particular liaison as a different sort of family, different for you to perceive but very common in today's perspective.

Just as you were "with it" when you were 23, your baby daughter is very much in the mode of the moment today. Please enjoy her happiness, and be prepared to help her pick up the pieces if her whole life falls apart; just as you will for your older children, if their plans don't work out as they hoped.

No, folks, we're not in a gap - far from it - we're walking the tightrope across such a bridge as we could never have imagined. And we're doing a good job too!

Sharing this startling world with you, I remain Yours truly
GG D

It is to the point where twice she complained of not feeling well to me and her day care teacher and we didn't believe her until her temperature was about 102. I felt terrible but what can we do? She is very sharp but is not able to understand about "crying wolf" yet.

Just supposing she does need attention and it makes her feel sick - that could be her sickness and as nurses you both know what serious conditions can develop from childhood need s unfulfilled.

Can you put the little one to bed half an hour before the five year old and spend that precious time giving her your FULL attention - making cookies for tomorrow's lunch, organizing a scrap book, reading from a book that is just hers a lone, playing piano with her (not a lesson - just fun), or some other instrument, painting or crayoning - needle work, or cards even!

"Let's just the three of us play Go Fish, or Dominos" - and you and your husband ahd your eldest child have 30 minut es of what the current child psychologists like to call quality time.

That's just one idea, presupposing that her daily feeling sick is more mental than physical. But then there is a clear possibility that something she eats regularly is making her f eel awful.

One of my children used to feel bad regularly, unexplainably, until I discovered she was allergic to milk, of all things! Check out everything she eats and remove one item at a time - you might discover some unusual allergy. It could be po rk - in hot dogs - or it could be peanut oil in almost anything. Talk about the trials with her so she'll help you find what's upsetting her.

In the meantime don't ever dismiss her complaints as just crying wolf. When she suddenly has appendicitis yo u don't want to be ignoring her complaints!

Taking her to doctors for diagnoses of her complaints would seem to be a natural thing to do and probably you've done that, to see if there is some condition she has that could be alleviated. But doctors ca n't always come up with the answers. Ask any three and you'll probably get three different suggestions.

Be sure you don't turn things around and find yourself neglecting the younger one while giving special attention to the older. You don't want to c reate another peoblem there! But each child deserves your undivided attention at some time during the day. Then if they do have a real illness they'll know they can tell you about it and you'll be listening.

You're on a good path with those daughters . Keep it up.

Yours truly,
GG

Please help me! My little girl is 3yr.old. She sleeps in her own bed but here is our problem. Each night when it is bedtime, my husband or myse lf has to go lay down with her until she is asleep.Sometimes we have to lay there longer than other times depending on if she has had a nap or not.

Also, during the night, usually around 4 or 5 am she will get up and come into our room to get int o our bed or sometimes she will cry for us to come back into to her bed and then we will fall back asleep in her bed and be in there until morning time.

She has never really had a set bedtime because I don't work so she doesn't have to get up early. But here lately I have been trying not to give her a nap so she will go to bed by at least 9:30 or 10pm. But that is difficult some days on me because she will get very whiny and it's hard to keep her awake around 4-6 pm. I don't know what to do but I am tired of this routine and need some advice.

If she calls you to come back later, talk about the same characters and ask her to fall asleep thinking about them. Don't rush these wonderful moments. Some day, sooner than you can imagine, you will be recalling the times you spent with her with great nostalgia. Ask her to tell you what she thinks about the stories; the closer you can come to her thinking, the closer you will be in the years to come.

As for climbing into bed with you, that's also a very usual thing to do. The feeling of security she will gain by this will also last all her life; don't deprive her now.

Whether you finally wake up in her bed, or she in yours, couldn't matter less. She loves you and needs you, and le t's face it - you love and need her too, don't you?

I'm surprised at your remark that you don't work. I'm sure you do. I guess what you mean is that your work is at home, but there's no reason why you and she couldn't get up early and use the early m orning hours you gain for some wonderful adventures together. The more time you devote to her exclusively, the less she will need to be touching you all night.

It seems that you've managed without any sort of a schedule for your little girl. This is just great because you don't want her to live by the clock; but you might try planning something specially interesting for her in the afternoon. How about lying down with her for an hour before she begins to whine, not in her bed but on the sofa.

Jus t lie beside her and talk with her, leaving lots of opportunity for her to talk too, and listen to her. Start a story and see how she would end it. Sing a song with her - over and over until she knows it. If she falls asleep be sure to have something nic e for her to do when she wakes up - like making cookies, or watching a children's video.

When your husband comes home tell him to greet your daughter first, before you. What I'm aiming for here is to build her confidence in you both, so ask him to gi ve her his total attention for at least a half hour before it's time for her to go to bed.

If you do all these things nothing might change for a long time. She will still be calling for you to lie down with her and she will still be crawling into you r bed in the wee hours, but I do believe that if you keep up the new routine, the old one will become history.

Early to rise, undivided attention, short nap, and a finite project at bed time - that's all. And remember that these early years are the most important in the child's life and also in yours. There are many more challenges to come. If you deal with this one intelligently you'll be better prepared for the next.

Yours truly,
GG

I feel kind of silly, but I thought I would ask you anyway. I bought a chocolate decorated cake for my baby's first birthday. Now it dawns on me that she isn't supposed to have chocolate until she is at least two. I can't seem to find any answe rs on the web. Can she have a little of this cake?

Thank you,
Worried Mommy

As for the nutritional dangers of whatever small amount of icing she actually ingests, I believe there's little chance it will do damage to her health. I don't think a little icing is going to get her addicted to chocolate - but I could be wrong. I'm addicted, and have managed to enjoy a long and happy life. How about you?

Generally speaking, it's a good idea to keep the sugar, and chocolate, in childrens' diets to a minimum. It will help them for the rest of their lives. And if you set up chocolate and sugar as a special treat for a birthday, you'll be giving it undue importance in her eyes.

Celebrating a birthday with banana slices on blanc-mange might disappoint the ot her party goers.but I'll bet your daughter will love it. It's the party and the presents that count after all, isn't it?

If your baby has special allergies or other medical problems, please ask your pediatrician about chocolate icing.

What I say here is not intended to supplant individual professional consultation. It is offered solely as friendly advice and entertainment.

Yours truly,
Great Granny

I have been gradually going thro ugh the many retirement net sites--there are a lot.

My parents have just retired and I think they need help dealing with each other again. They don't need help with financial matters, retirement homes, etc, which seems to be the only information I am finding on the net.

Could you recommend any books to me on how to find the love they seem to have misplaced while working and dealing with kids!

Hope you can help

They first had to adjust to living with eachother; and that was eminently successfull y done obviously because in a time when so many people leave eachother, your parents are still together.

Then they had to adjust to having a family, and here again they have met with great success because they have obviously raised caring children wh o are still concerned with their happiness and welfare even as adults.

Another very important adjustment has been to the problems of providing for a growing family and yet managing to so organize their finances that they do not have financial problem s in their retirement.

I'd say that your parents are among the most brilliant of us all. They seem to me to have done everything right. I hope that in your communication with them you are able to make them realize how successful they have been. They may not realize how rare they are. Tell them. Often.

One of the most difficult parts of retirement can be a feeling of failure. On a day to day basis they may feel that they are not needed by anyone any more and wonder where they still fit into the scheme of things. This is normal and can be overcome in a number of ways. Here in Ottawa, where I live, we have a remarkable Seniors Club called The Good Companions, where hundreds of volunteers take part in the running of every kind of activity imaginabl e for thousands of members. Perhaps there is such a place in your town; I hope so.

But you are not asking me about activities for your parents. You are concerned that they have lost some of the love for eachother that they had in the beginning of the ir lives together.

You want books to read and to give them to read about this. For books I would go to the library and ask the librarian where the books about happy retirement are. And go to a book store and you will find many NEW books on the subje ct of retirement. It's a very popular subject just now; timely and topical. Glance through the index of each book to see if it might answer your question, remembering that it is YOUR question, not theirs.

I wouldn't get them a book though. They don't need to be told how to fall in love. Their whole lives have been one continuous love affair and I'm sure it didn't stop when they had children, even if you may not be able to see overt demonstrations of their love for eachother.

The way they deal wi th eachother is obviously bothering you, but I can only guess at what this means. Perhaps they do not talk to eachother any more. Perhaps their lives have taken different directions and they don't share interests at all. If there is any way you can help t hem to get away from their familiar scenery their communication will improve.

I'm only guessing now, because I don't know what your main problem is. But I suspect that if they were to travel together, take some adventurous journeys, they would turn b ack to eachother for companionship. One way to travel, with a purpose, is to get involved in searching out one's ancestors. This can take you to many countries and the discovery of distant relatives. There are books about this everywhere. The results of s uch a search can be a delight to the whole family, present and future generations.

Another means of exciting travel is to visit Elder Hostels. They would find the most brilliant retirees in the world at these places. Again, look in the library for th ese places where seniors study and play - all around the world.

Joining local groups for seniors can be a start because they will find others who are in the exact same situation as they are, but you can't join for them. And lots of people resist gett ing involved with "old people" even up into their own 80s. I know. They walk into our seniors centre and see someone using a walker or a wheel chair, or a recent stroke victim, and it turns them off. The sooner we get into the groove with our own generati on the more we will enjoy life, but you can't convince your parents of that. They have to find out for themselves. I did, and I'll never regret it.

Moving out of their own familiar routine, is a great way to rediscover eachother. See what you can do about convincing your parents that taking a trip would be useful. They probably want to be useful more than anything else. We all do.

Keep in touch, please. I would love to know how they make out. And don't expect to see them billing and cooing. The y don't see you doing that. How they express their love is a private affair and I strongly suspect that your parents do it in ways you would never recognize. Just one knowing glance has special meaning for people who have lived together through what your parents have experienced. Recognize those glances as love pats.

The most important thing you can ever do for them is to keep in touch with them and see to it that your children do too. The value they have added to this world is the family they have r aised. It heightens their love for eachother to know as much about you as possible.

They'rs so lucky to have you in their corner.

Yours truly,
Great Granny

I have a d aughter-in-law from hell and it has not gotten any better no matter what I say or do. She came into my life and my son's at a difficult time in our lives, my father was dying of cancer and I was taking care of him and my mom for three straight months. S he was engaged to him and I found out from a friend.

This was my sons fault I know but, this all took place over the two biggest holidays and a death to boot. I did not know this girl too well at all and they were living together before I could ge t a grip on anything. Did I mention that they only knew each other three months before the move in and one month before engaged.

Anyway, I had a nervous breakdown two weeks after the move in and was told the day I was released from the hospital (on e month later) that the wedding was on friday and this was wednesday. It has been down hill ever since. She is very to the point and does not care what she says or how it will make the other person feel. She makes fun of my son in front of him and myse lf. What do you suggest?

DEAR NERVOUSM

Whatever you say and do must be the wrong words and acts for the occasion. Somehow you're on the wrong track with this young woman, and she's obviously on the wrong track with you. Letting the sit uation stay as it is would certainly be a terrible mistake. Something must be done.

The good news probably is that the marriage may not last. Few do these days. But then on the other hand, she might be the person who will make your son's life comple te. Maybe he really does love her even though you don't.

Life goes on for other people, even while we are having personal crises. Losing your father, nursing your mother, dealing with your own nervous breakdown, - these are things that happen to peo ple regardless of what else is going on in their families. Your son should have been more responsive to your own needs, but I suppose he didn't realize the toll that these things were taking on you. After all, he was falling in love. That's something that just happens too. It doesn't leave much room for logical thinking.

As for the girl he chose to marry, she would have to be almost perfect to come up to your expectations for your son; your pride and joy and your hopes for the future. But she isn't perfect. In fact as it turns out she is a selfish person with little concern for other people, thinks it's clever to make fun of your son. It's a triumph over you for her to do it but all it really means is that she suffers from a serious inferiority comp lex. She is desperately insecure. I'm not sure whet you can do to help her, when you yourself are in an unstable condition, but with time you'll think of a way. Your greater experience with people will help you.

Insecure daughters in law are as comm on as three-leaved clovers, but we can't just brush them aside in our search for the rare four-leaved ones. We have to live with them. They will be the mothers of our grandchildren. The sooner you can come to some sort of good relationship with this girl, the better it will be for all of you.

Find some common interests and maximise them. Women can always find something through which to relate, even a distraught mother suffering from bereavement and her son's wife "from hell". Something must have go ne wrong in her formative years to make her so unfeeling; perhaps after she has been a part of YOUR family for a while, this will improve. If you provide a good role model for her, she'll eventually get the message and improve her ways.

The most imp ortant matter for you to deal with at the moment is not to let your distaste for the girl alienate your son. You've undoubtedly already shown him that you disapprove so you can't undo that impression, but you CAN try to find some redeeming feature about h er. Be nice to her even though she is not being nice to you. Let your son know that you are happy that he has found happiness and that you trust in his judgment.

Then, of course, if the whole relationship ends in a divorce - you have to be ready to show him again that you are with him all the way. Stand by him and help him pick up the pieces of his life. He is your son and your love for him must be unconditional. I hope it doesn't end that way because people do grow up. But whatever does happen, be strong and stand beside your son.

That's what family is all about.
Good luck, and God bless.
GGD