Granny's Advice

Nervous

You, too, have done a great deal for yourself, and have brought them happiness by continuing your education and graduating from college. Congratulations!

Along with an ever-growing army of young people, you are now trying your darndest to find a job; there's nothing to be ashamed of in that. I hope you are tackling the task just as you would any other job. Starting each morning and working all day until you find some work that you can do, even just a temporary occupation while you keep looking for the one that will pay you enough to live on.

Neither your parents, nor your girl friend (if she is really a friend) are blaming you for the situation that the world is in just now. I'm sure they are sorry for you - and that's hard to take - but they will never hold you responsible for the financial problems of the country, which include an army of jobless people just like you.

You will certainly pay them back some day. Mark my words. You will pay them back in many ways, and in the case of your parents it will be with love and attention to their needs when they are much older, just as they looked after yours when you were much younger.

And please don't think that they don't understand. I don't know what the job market was for them, but I know what it was for me. When I graduated from university I searched everywhere for a job, any job at all, and finally signed up to work for free at a settlement house (that's what they called community centers for the underprivileged in those days) teaching young girls how to sew and how to play basketball. Then I finally got an $18 a week job selling brushes in a department store. Big deal! But there were no other jobs.

Your parents know what you are going through. Even if it happened to be easy for them to get their first jobs, they are living with all the rest of us in this world today and I assure you they do know what's going on.

Please do communicate with them about your job search. Give them a day to day rundown on how it's going. Don't come in with a sad face and tales of woe; make it humourous. Tell them all the amazing things that go on in your life as you knock on doors, interview prospective employers, phone strangers looking for interviews, study the newspapers for leads, check out the bulletin boards at the college and so forth. And when you find some fill-in odd jobs, tell them all about the strange goings-on there too. One of these days your current adventures will seem funny. Get ahead of the game and laugh at them now.

It's like when you're in the water there's only one thing anyone can expect you to do and that is to swim. Well, you're in this jobless situation, doing the only thing your parents or your girl friend, or anyone else can expect you to do, and that is just keep looking. There's nothing in this situation that should make you ashamed, or nervous either for that matter. Learn some new strokes while you're at it, and remember, you are not alone.

Very truly yours
Great Granny

We live so far away here in Alaska. and they could talk to us so much more by email than by phone. I also feel it would give them plenty to do learning to logon to helpful places like this one.

My mother in law has had two strokes but she walks and thinks fine. Her words are a little mixed up but she does have a very good attitude.

I want to pay for Internet services for them. My dadinlaw says, no, that $30 a month is too much , but I know he loves his computer. He used to subscribe to America On Line but now after paying the doctor bills bills he has cut back on things like that .

So what can I do about Dad ? I'd like to find a place he can afford to use ?

Also, I'd like you to tell me why he won't let me pay? I'm ok in his book so it must be his pocket book , right ? I would just love to sneak payments to a service provider but he would find out.

I loved my own great grandmother. She called me her black-eyed Susan after a flower she liked with yellow petals. She was the best and most perfect person for me that I ever knew in my life. I think of one thing when I think of her: the love we had for eachother. Thank you for reading this email. BTW you sure have a sweet face on your photo.

Bye for now,
Sunnygirl

You are right, of course. Getting connected through the Internet to lovely places such as this web site, and being able to contact friends and family through email would be great for them. It would be nice for you too, to keep in close touch with them when they are so far away.

But one thing I've consistently emphasized in my letters to everyone here is that you can not change other people, you can only change yourself.

If your father in law does not want you to pay for his Internet service, nothing you can do will change his feelings on the topic. It might be a matter of pride - or any of a number of other reasons - but he will remain adamant and all you can do is work around that fact.

One idea would be to give your mother in law a Christmas present of a year's connection. Then you could give her the same Christmas present every year. And of course, once they are connected, both of them can use the same account.

But there are some very inexpensive ways of getting connected and you could explore them first. When you tell your dad in law about them he might find it possible to squeeze an account into his tight budget after all.

Start where you are, in Alaska. There are community networks that are either free or almost free in both Anchorage and Fairbanks. If you are near one of these places, phone 261-2891 or send email to Peg Thompson (pegt@muskox.alaska.edu) for AnchorNet, or telephone 479-1041 to Catherine Franklin (adctcf@northstar.k12.ak.us) for FairNet in Fairbanks.

As for Oregon, I don't know of any community networks in that state, but Medford is not far from California and I'm sure if you were to contact CHICO, which is the North Califormia Regional Computing Network, someone there would be able to tell you the least expensive way to connect to the Internet from Medford. To get to CHICO, telephone 916-891-1211, or send email to Patrick Blythe at dcnadmin@dcn.davis.ca.us.

I hope some of these contact people can help you, and I hope you are able to get your in-laws connected. Anyway, it's worth a try.

Good luck,
Great Granny

I live in Perth, Western Australia, and I would be very greatful if you could help me out.

I have met a couple of birds at Bingo Club, but none have fulfilled my wishes which are :

Good Looking Between 60 - 70 Enjoys Sports (Preferably Basketball) Please help me out Granny. It may not be relevant, but my grandchild has a page, and I think the address is: http://www.wantree.com.au/~lesaux/page.htm (I added the NBA bit myself, just the news though)

Yours Faithfully

Adding some basketball stats to your grandson's home page doesn't cut it in this league; you have to plunge in yourself to be one of us.

Only kidding of course - you knew that didn't you!

But seriously, your paramaters are fairly stringent. You want someone 60-70 who likes bingo and basketball, and who could be happy living in Perth, Australia. Is that all - oh yes, she must be pretty.

To entice a woman you'll need to open up a bit and reveal more about yourself. Having a grandson whose URL you can only guess at isn't enough.

Do you play bingo or do you just go to bingo to eyeball the ladies? Do you play basketball or just watch it and talk about it?

What DO you do? Are you an artist? Writer? Plumber? Carpenter? Taxi driver? What? What kind of home do you have? Shack, castle, condo, bungalow, tent?

You want someone who is good looking; what does that mean to you? Are you good looking? Tall, short, fat, skinny, bald, bearded?

Are you happy, depressed, do you laugh, do you like life, what do you read, do you like the water - sailing - swimming - do you ski, hike, and are you sexually active? Why are you alone? Divorced, widowed, bachelor?

What I mean with all this is that when you are so keen on getting yourself a woman who fits exactly into your expectations (bingo, basketball, 60-70 and good looking) you should provide a lot of information about yourself.

And what, in your opinion, is good looking? And why must she be over 60 and under 70?

Fundamentally, you are looking for a job and are setting down the exact requirements you have for your new employer. Think of it that way. She's going to need a lot of information about your qualifications before she even puts you on her short list.

Have fun, and let's see your next "Employment Wanted" letter.

Sincerely,
Great Granny

My son is an only child. He will be 14 in Feb. He says he wants to be treated like an adult but he does such foolish things, its like he is regressing instead of progressing. I try and have lots of discussions with him but trying to get him to talk to me is like pulling teeth. Why are children now a days so hard to get along with. It didn't seem to be that way when I was his age. I had a steady job every night after school and on weekends, with him I have to almost bribe him to wash his face. What am I doing wrong.

What he's doing wrong is taking advantage of you in very clever ways. But I assure you, he is not regressing. He's learning all the time. One of the things he is learning is how to interact with people, and that's useful. Somehow, your son must find out that you are actually a nice person who really cares about him. If he knows you are human and have weaknesses, he will gradually become more supportive of you.

Now here's a suggestion. When you have your talks with him, don't ever tell him about how you were at his age. That was a different world; you and I know that, and I'm sure he's finding out as well. The parents with whom you had to cope were a different breed. Everything was on a different scale. Each of us could write a book about the difference, but your little boy must learn to manage himself in the world as it is today.

Taking all that into consideration, you still don't want him to become lazy and useless; and I suspect that he doesn't want that either. Could you spend time with him, not trying to discuss things, but just doing something you both enjoy? The obvious one is just tossing a ball around. Install a basketball hoop in your driveway, or use the one in the schoolyard. There are other things too. Maybe hiking, bicycling, going out in the middle of the night to see special stars, or finding rocks or trees, or night animals might appeal to him. You never know until you try. And even if those things don't appeal to him, if you get a kick out of them, he might catch on. Take a canoe trip. Enjoy something together - preferably something that's new to you both.

Building something together is a wonderful way of learning to appreciate one another. Build a bird house, or a boat. Get a paint set and go together to capture some scene on canvas. Take cameras to the zoo, the farmer's market, the shopping mall, the woods. Set up a darkroom and share the fun of developing films. Conspire together to do something great around the house to surprise his mother - like cleaning up the basement, garage, attic - back yard.

You'll notice that all these things will require a lot of time, a little money, and eat into your freedoms considerably. Maybe you think your time is already all taken just earning a living to buy him the things you think he needs. But getting on a firm basis with his father is probably his greatest need.

The reason for any of these things would be to just be doing things together without any criticism. You should be able to contain your disapproval of everything he is doing during this sharing time. Just don't say anything unless it can be something friendly. Talk with him as you would with a friend, because after all that's what you'd like most of all - to be his friend.

In no time at all this little boy is going to be your greatest ally in the world. I'm sorry you only have one child, but since that's the way it is, you'd be preparing for a very lonely and unhappy old age if you were to alienate him now.

Who cares if his face isn't washed? How important is that in the larger scheme of things? And why is it of any significance at all that you were an entirely different sort of a child than he is? Think of your own childhood as though it were a novel you had read somewhere. Think of his as something that is happening here and now in a world that you could never have imagined.

If he does open up to you and tell you of some of his real concerns, while you are painting the back porch together, or washing the car or whatever, listen to what he's saying and bite your tongue before you tell him how that compares to your own experiences. If he asks you, then you can give him a brief answer - but make it brief. No sermons, please.

As his father, you can't ever become his chum. He's always going to prefer being with others of his own age, but you might suggest to him that while he is letting "peer pressure" determine his behaviour, he always has the choice in his own hands of which of his peers he will allow himself to be pressured by. The real achievers are the ones he should try to emulate; not the losers. That's for him to decide, but you can tell him that he has the right to choose his own path.

You only have one son. Don't judge him; love him.

That's my best advice.

Great-granny

He's going to get very good at finding ways to make the most of the whole situation, and you must accept that this is the life style you have handed him. At this very early age he may well think he doesn't love his dad; and maybe when he is with his dad he says he doesn't love you. You will never know about that.

Chances are he's happiest with you. That's the nature of three year olds. Perhaps by the time he is ten or twelve there will be things he'd rather do with his father. Be prepared to accept that if it happens. Meanwhile, you're doing exactly the right thing by not telling his father that the boy says he "doesn't like him". The best way to handle that whole matter is not to talk about your husband around your son at all.

When he comes home to you, after a visit, even if he's crying and saying he never wants to go back, just change the subject. Don't ever try to compete in any way with what his father does for him, or buys for him. Just be your own loving self and if he wants to cry, hold him until it's over.

You may be suffering waves of self-pity and guilt about what you are putting him through, but don't let it overwhelm you. His life, under the shared custody system, is much better than it would be if you and his father were under one roof. Your unhappiness in such a condition would be an ever-present factor in your son's life and could do him permanent psychogical damage. Moving apart and maintaining separate households, with shared custody, is probably the very best thing you could possibly do for your child. He's not going to thank you now, or maybe never, but we all know that you are doing the right thing.

He'll get over complaining that he doesn't like his dad when he realizes that the fact doesn't phase you. When he starts telling you what he doesn't like, about his father or anything else, tell him you really want to know what he does like. It probably won't be anything his father does, but it might be. It might be the drive home to you - and that's alright too. Let him tell you his feeling about driving home after the visits. Then change the subject and have some fun with him. Let him help you do something interesting, make fudge, help an elderly neighbour, get a book from the library. In other words, change the subject.

Next time he's getting ready for his father's visit, remind him of the things he does like. (You might also phone his dad and tell him.)

I know you'll manage to get through these difficult years. Your son is going to be such a great pleasure to you, for the rest of your life. Anything you can do for him now is worth the trouble.

Good luck.
Great-granny

I have a seven month old daughter. She takes two 1 hour nap during the day. When I put her down for the daytime naps, she puts her thumb in her mouth and goes right to sleep. However, when I put her down at bedtime (usually 7 or 8pm) she cries for about an hour. I've read the book Solve Your Chld's Sleep Problems, I've put toys in her crib, played music,and even put a very bright night light in her room, but nothing seems to help. Please help me and my daughter.

Please don't tell me you think she is too young to be read to. Some mothers read and talk and sing to their babies when they are still in the womb and I'm convinced it makes a great difference in the babies' social behaviour later.

Right now, while your darling child is learning at a miraculous pace, every contact with human beings influences her entire future. Don't allow her to lie and cry - pick her up and make her know that she is worthy of your total attention. Let her realize that she can achieve her ambition. These things can be learned, even at seven months - even at seven weeks.

If someone is telling you the child will be spoilt by giving in to her need for your companionship; ask them to just leave. This is YOUR baby. Her entire development into a lovely child and strong and useful adult is in your hands. Right now, she needs you. Give yourself to her. Find time for the other people in your life when your baby doesn't need your full attention.

You might consider shortening her nap times too, in order to give her more incentive to go to sleep at night. Lift her from her bed sooner in the afternoon and play with her, talk with her, enjoy her company and let her enjoy yours. Engage in some physical activity which will help her to fall asleep earlier in the evening. But still - don't just put her down with toys and lights and sounds - hold her to you and let her fall asleep close to you.

Expecting a child, of any age, to conform to the schedule that is most convenient to you is a mistake that many parents make. With a baby in the house, organized schedules go out the window - don't even try to keep things regular. The baby grows very quickly. Those days will never come back. Enjoy.

Yours faithfully,
Great Granny

Follow-up to the above:

Well I've been doing that since I've written to you and she will fall asleep, and when I put her down, she will wake up 5 to 15 minutes later and cry again. Then I do the same thing over again and this goes on for about 1 to 2 1/2 hours. I even tried to let her sleep with me, but then she really wakes up and wants to play.

Help me understand what's going on here. I have a two year old, but she was never like this. Is Lauren having separation anxiety? How can I help her? Please let me know, I am really starting to dread the evening hours (as I'm sure Lauren is) and am very reluctant to leave her with anyone other than my husband because of this. Thanks.

Also it's possible that she just is not tired enough to go to sleep and you could try letting her stay up much later each evening, or eliminate the afternoon nap. Keeping her awake longer in the evening may be upsetting to the routine of the rest of the family, but there's one thing to keep in mind, and that is that the phase will pass.

All of a sudden one day this problem will be over. Of course there will be other problems, as you already know because you do have an older child. But no two are alike, and the problems with this new one will not necessarily be the same as with your first child.

Whenever these seemingly unending problems arise, I have to keep reminding people that they actually do not go on forever. Right now it seems that you are spending your entire life trying to get one infant to sleep but in the larger scheme of things, this is not a very big portion of your child-raising years.

So you see, I really can't be much help in actually getting your baby to sleep, but perhaps if you try to survive this episode in the process without panic you'll be better prepared for the ones to come.

Seek advice among other mothers of your acquaintance. Sometimes one person will come up with a solution that's just right for your baby. One of my grandchildren would not go to sleep without a buzzing sound nearby. So, her mother would plug in a little noisy hairdryer across the room and the baby fell off to sleep. I suggested some nice music instead, but that wouldn't work. It had to be that hairdryer.

There may be some little household sound that you could put Lauren to sleep with. Just a thought. Good Luck. GG.

My problem is an age old one, but I have nowhere to turn for advice. I have the oldest children and most of my friends are waiting to see how I handle things. My problem is a very mouthy 12 year old boy. We can hardly tolerate the things that he says. He seems to have decided he is a teenager and, therefore, almost a man. He is very aggravating, hurtful, and vendictive with his words. We have a younger son (10) who gives a us a normal challenge, but the oldest one concerns me.

I was raise in a home where you never said "Shut-up", "Stupid", or "Idiot" to your parents. We got spanked. Now adays they seem to outlaw spanking.....and the 12 year old is as tall as me now, so I punish with privileges being taken away, but he is at a point where he does the time so he can enjoy doing the crime. We don't know what level to go to next.

I am determined I will not be called names even if it means I not very popular as their mother because I know they will come around later. For now, I could really use some advice.

My topic may not seem as serious as some of the people who have written but if you were here on any given day you would know how awful it can be.

Thanks Granny,
"ALMOST A MAN AT 12"

As you say in your letter, this Great Granny project is indeed a wonderful resource to have on the Internet. I agree. And the greatest value here is that we can spend some time reflecting on the problems people have, share experiences, and try a few remedies. My main message is always the same. You cannot change other people; you can only change yourself.

If anything I can write about your question, or anything I've written about all the other amazing problems people send to me, will spark an idea in your mind that might lead to a solution, we'll have achieved something useful here. Even if, after reading my letter, you will figure I have it all wrong, at least that will mean you have come to a better solution, so you'll still be one step further towards solving the problem.

So, your son thinks that "being almost a man" gives him licence to be rude to his mother! You didn't teach him that idea, so he must have got it somewhere else. He's probably smart and has heard the expression "peer pressure" - it's the common excuse for just about every sort of bad behaviour these days and kids love to think they have no alternative but to follow the gang.

I'd like you to point out to him, if you can get his attention, that he has many peers. People his own age are not ALL being rude to their parents. Many of them conduct themselves as kind and friendly members of their families. These are the ones who will grow up to be the best citizens and the most successful. The ones your son thinks are so snazzy today will have trouble all their lives, and very few real friends.

It's up to him to CHOOSE the peers on whom he wishes to pattern his actions. OR, better still, he might just sit down and formulate some original plans of his own about what kind of a person he wants to be; live his life HIS OWN way.

I hope he isn't getting his clues about how to treat and address you from anyone else in your family. If, even in jest, your husband or other members have been making remarks about you that your son is picking up on, you might discuss this with the older members and try to get the mood of the household improved.

That was just a passing thought - it might not apply.

But here's an idea that has worked for some people. Ask your son to write down, with a pencil and paper, or on a computer AND PRINT IT OUT, his exact feelings towards you and his reasons. Then you do the same; write down, very briefly because his attention span is probably pretty short at this moment, exactly what you think of him - not in his smart aleck mode, but as the son you longed for, worked for, and have been proud of for the good things about him. One of the things you could include would be the hope that his current TEMPORARY nastiness will pass, as have passed other stages he has gone theough - such as colic perhaps - and measles - mumps etc... things he has caught from others but eventually were cured.

And that's the cue for your own peace of mind. This too will pass. And be prepared for your younger son to go through a similar phase, or worse. The one with the big mouth right now thinks he is becoming a man be asserting his power over you this way. He will get over it when he really becomes a man.

If you're able to get these two pieces of paper into a scrap book - that is his note about you and yours about him - you will both laugh over them in a few years, believe me. And the writing of them will have a salutory effect.

Meanwhile, the very next time he opens his mouth and says something unacceptable to you, just smile a very broad smile and say "I love you too". To help you smile, think of how funny all this is going to be when he is 40 and you are telling him about it. Patience is the name of the game - and aside from giving the kids to someone else to raise, patience is all we have. Patience and unconditional love.

Don't give up. And don't, for heavens sake, pattern your behaviour after his. Stay as sweet as you really want to be and he'll come around. Maybe not for another ten years, mind you, but he will. I promise.

Yours hopefully,
GG

Thanks for listening.

You need someone to talk to about your situation and your feelings. Let's discuss it for a few minutes. Don't race through this letter and then put it down forever. As you read some of my thoughts, stop frequently and add your own. This is a discussion, not a sermon.

You are lonely, yes, but you are not alone. There are people in your situation far and wide, some might be closer than you know. Each of them is going through the same dilemma. Although they love their parents, or parent, they sometimes find themselves almost wishing that the trial would end for them both.

First of all, right away, do not feel guilty for not being happy with things the way they are. It's natural and quite alright for you to have the feelings you have.

You know that your mother did many things for you when you were very young and also missed out on many personal pleasures because of you. That could make you feel duty bound to devote your entire time and energy on her behalf now, but you should not feel that way. She wanted a child, had a child, and raised a child, and that was you. That was her choice.

In the days when your mother was having her family there was less choice than there is today. It's even possible that she did not really want to raise a family, but that's not likely. My guess is that your mother willingly and lovingly entered into the arrangement and derived a great deal of pleasure, along with the work, of raising her family.

I could be wrong. Your particular family history might be different. Perhaps she didn't really want you - but that doesn't change the fact that you were, and are, a product of how she organized her life. I'm sure she loved you and cared for you when YOU needed HER.

Now that is over. You no longer need her for your physical welfare. SHE needs YOU. She might think of herself as being useless. She also might have been feeling for a while that she would be better off dead. Don't be surprised. That's not unusual.

I believe there are things you can do to improve the situation. You can't change your brother. He's out of the picture and wants to stay that way. He must be guilt ridden but that's his choice. It seems to you that he's getting off scot free, but he's not. Knowing that he has deserted his own mother, and that he is leaving all the responsibility with you, he cannot be happy in his heart even though he seems to be. But, again I repeat, you cannot change him. Forget him.

And you can't change your mother. She is blessed with a fairly healthy old age and is blessed with a son like you. Wanting to keep her at home is the most wonderful thing you said in your letter. But there are things you can do to make things easier for both or you.

Here are some things to think about.

In most communities there are services available for senior citizens, either free or very low priced. Find them, and use them. In Ottawa, where I live, there is an organization called Good Companions that is a model of everything a person would want for old people in a community. Seniors arrive by parabus if they are unable to use the regular bus, and they spend the day in eachother's company, taking part in every sort of activity - music, crafts, therapy, games - there might be something like this in your town.

Look up seniors or social services in your phone book. Ask at the public library. Talk about it with your doctor. Help is there for you, it's just a matter of seeking it. I want you to find other people who are doing exactly what you are doing and talk this over with them.

You can't just pick up and leave, and you certainly don't want to move your mother into a nursing home. But this should not mean that your own life is over, nor hers.

I wonder if there is something your mother could still do for you that would improve her own self-image. Whatever you can find for her to do which contributes to your happiness will also contribute to hers. Just having her with you must bring you some sort of pleasure and I hope you are able to let her know how much that means to you. Please make her know how you appreciate everything she has done and also, very important, what she is still doing for you.

If things have become a one-way street, with all the care giving on your part and all the receiving on her part, turn this around a bit so she can have the pleasure of being a giver on as many occasions as possible. Take time to figure this out - it's important. Even if it's just folding up your clothes, keeping the fridge in order, sorting your books - maybe just being there when you come home with a friendly greeting - you might be surprised at how many people don't have snyone - you have a mother.

If indeed your health is suffering - make your own health an important priority. Take the time to go to a gym, play tennis, walk every day, see your doctor and taka care of anything that might develop into a real health problem. Eat what you know you should be eating and don't let bad habits now rob you of your own healthy old age.

You're very young. Don't drop out of the world of young people. I'd like to see you finding a friend to talk to about your lifestyle. Not a person to complain to - but a person to discuss exciting possibilities with. Lots of people are doing exactly what you are doing. If you get together and have a few laughs about the situation you'll all do it better.

If there is no support group in your community for care-givers, there should be. Find some others and organize one. Put up a notice on some bulletin board - maybe the grocery store, the office, a lamp post. First thing you know, you will be sharing experiences and then sharing chores and everyone will benefit.

How about friends for your mother? Does she have a social life? What can you do to enhance that? Does she know how to use your computer? Show her how to use a chat program - it really is not at all complex. If your mother can get involved with people other than you, her life will be fuller and youwill both benefit.

Writing your letter to me was a first step. The next step is to make definite plans. Read my letter over with a friend. See what you can do, one step at a time. If some of my rambling thoughs seem preposterous to you, just abandon them and come up with a better idea on your own.

With people living longer and longer these days, there are more and more people like your mother - depending on their offspring to make their lives comfortable and happy for more years than they ever expected to live.

In today's society, the way things are working out, you are one of the heroes that we old folks rely on. Please don't take on the role grudgingly. Be happy that you are able to do this for her, for yourself, and for all of us.

Bless you.
GG

Although you say she has never been wrong, you can't, and shouldn't, count on that. If you govern your life on the psycic revelations of a child, or of anyone for that matter, you are playing a gambling game. No matter how infallible they may seem to be, there's no way of knowing for sure when their premonitions are right, and when they are wrong.

If your child manages to keep these abilities when she grows up, she may find a use for them, even it it's just to astound her friends in private, or put on an act in public. Or she might become one of these people who help the police find lost children. But now, while she is a child, I would not make much of it, and certainly not use her clairevoyance as a conversation piece. If it has already become a bit of family lore, being told and retold at every gathering, you might wish to downplay it a bit and let it gradually be forgotten.

I'm not suggesting that it's anything to be ashamed of. On the contrary, I believe in, and depend on, natural intuition. But let your little girl use it as she will, later, when she is old enough to cope with the repercussions.

Two of my own daughters have an uncanny talent for knowing what is in the other's mind - and they are not twins but one year apart. And, when he was very young, one of my grandsons could remember things that he "used to do when he was old." That sure had us wondering who he had been in a previous life. But if anyone asked him a question about it, the whole thing would leave his mind.

These are things best left to their own devices. For certain, if you try to "develop" or "encourage" them, your efforts might only serve to drive them away.

Because she is extremely bright "for her age" your daughter will have a difficult enough time at school and among her friends. I wouldn't want to make it harder for her by promoting her supernatural abilities. I can't see what advantage would accrue to her if you did. Pushing a child in any direction is always a mistake. It's best to just stand by and watch to see in what direction she will go of her own volition. Then help her in the way she chooses for herself.

That's my theory of good parenting. You don't have to agree with me, but while you're making up your mind about how to deal with your brilliant little girl, I hope you will let some of my thoughts on the situation enter into the decision.

Best of Luck.
GG

How do I get him to stop playing with the television controls, the audio and video equipment?

He is going to break something soon and my husband and myself are at our wits end.

We have tried saying "no" repeatedly, diverting his attention to another area and subject, and lastly spanking him (which I hate). Nothing works, and when you tell him "no" and/or the other things I mentioned, he acts like it is the end of the world and cries VERY loudly for a long time. I even try to hug him after he has been reprimanded and he cannot be consoled. This breaks my heart!

How can we get him to obey and not break his tiny, precious little heart at the same time, before he really damages some expensive equipment?

He is very insistent on watching Winnie the Pooh videos all day and this is the main reason he thinks the t.v. and video are his domain. He watches how we control the equipment and feels he should be allowed to, as well, even when he has been told he is not to touch it .

Please help us!!!!!
Thank you!!

That established, you still have this question: how will you get him to stop playing with the knobs and dials before him?

Simply put, you won't.

The best you can do is to educate him in the use of the equipment, by showing him over and over again what happens when he turns this and clicks that. One day soon, when you don't know how to manage some new video machine, or maybe a computer component, he will do it for you, mark my words!

Your next sentence is simply a statement of fact. You tell me that he is going to break something soon and your husband and you are at our wits end.

Of course he is going to break something. When you had this child did you expect the household to continue in the same way it did before he arrived? Everything in the house is vulnerable - dishes, books, windows, toys - whatever he gets curious about, or accidently runs into, might be broken. Children don't come cheap. Tell your friends; do them that favour; apparently nobody told you. And for goodness sakes don't let it put you "at your wits end." At twenty months he's just beginning. Get your wits together and prepare for his later years - his teens for instance!!

Saying "no" means little to him. He's heard that word so often, usually when he's engaged in something he enjoys, that he has it categorized in his mind as a word synonymous with "mother" of "father". "They say no" - he tells himself, "then they spank me - but I get my revenge by putting on my most pitiful face and screaming loud and long. Then they cuddle me and give me cookies."

Nobody wins from that scenario.

Continually saying "no" to him is like what some unimaginative teachers will be doing later, when he goes to school. These people will draw attention to every mistake he makes, with big red marks all over his efforts at achievement, thus making him feel that the notable things he does are wrong. Instead of saying "no" and spanking him for touching the knobs, or the channel changer, tell him how wonderful it is that he can change the picture so magically with his tiny little thumb. Hug him close to you and say, "Oh - good boy - try it again - see if you can make it louder - softer - turn it off - get the funny people back" - or whatever.

If he runs up to the screen and stands there, ruining your enjoyment of the show, forget it for a while. Look at your son instead and be glad he has a will of his own. You could just chat with eachother about something else for a while, and even include him in the conversation without drawing attention to the fact that his being there is spoiling your fun.

Pay attention to him. He thrives on your attention. That's what he needs at this stage in his development. You must give him your attention and your approval. Nobody else can do this for him. This stage will pass all too soon and this time with the wonderful child you have produced will become just a memory.

I'd hate to think that all your dismay is being brought on because he is causing you to miss some favourite program. If that's the case, forget it. You will miss much more than television shows while you are bringing up this wonderful little human being. The rewards for your attention to his personal desires right now will be great; truly great.

You will be so justly proud when your son becomes a confident adult who knows he can make his own way in this world with his own will power. You and your husband will have taught that results come from perseverence.

In the process it is possible that some expensive equipment might be broken, or thrown out of adujstment. But far better this should happen to your toys that to your child. If you spend as much time with him during these few terribly important years as possible, few of your gadgets will get broken. With him you will figure out how to use them safely. Show him. Ask him to do it the way you do. Let him practice. Let him experiment to see what happens next.

The Winnie the Poo videos sound like a great idea. Brilliant. Very soon your baby will be making copies for his friends - running them backwards - stopping them at one frame to talk with the characters and tell them what they are going to do next. Just sitting there watching gets boring after a while - he'll want to do much more with those innocent little videos. Let him. Encourage him! Nothing you could be watching indstead is nearly as important as what he is learning at this very special, irretrievable moment.

If your life depends on watching television instead of perpetually watching one two year old baby, you could get another set. But I don't think that is inevitable. As he begins to feel that he too is a real member of your family, with just as much right to change channels and turn on his videos as the other members, he can be taught to share time and have some consideration for your tastes as well as his own.

But don't expect this to happen tomorrow, or even next year. Developing cooperation in children takes a long time - and every minute of the process is worth it. Also, it's fun. First explain this concept to your husband; then take on the challenge together. You'll love the results and get a real charge out of the process.

Truly yours,
Great Granny

He has always been an exelent provider for her and the kids, has a lovely home, although he is a bit of a perfectionist. The kids have to wash there feet before going on the carpet. I dare say there are quite a few other things.

I just worry she could be doing the wrong thing and I feel sick at heart for the kids. She won't even discuss it with her husband she is always on the phone talking to other people. She says to me" it's my life; no consideration for anyone else."

I don't know what to do now; she just won't listen. I am afraid she may be heading in the wrong direction. The man on the net has confessed he is a gambler and she likes to waste money a bit as well. What advice would you give? They have not as yet met but have exchanged photos. Both seem quite impressed with eachother,

Thank you.
Web-worried.