My husband and I have had numerous problems with his family, pretty much
since we were married 6 years ago. After we had children, things
finally came to a head. His family is very critical, sometimes to the
point where they are verbally and emotionally abusive, and there is also
an alcohol problem in the family (my husband's sister).
Because of the fact that they started trying to play my husband and I
against each other, to the point that we were considering divorce, my
husband and I decided that it would be best to keep our distance from
his family. I have had no contact with them for almost two years, and
he and the children have had very little contact. Just recently,
however, I made the effort to go for coffee with his parents, but I
still have not spoken to his sister.
I have been told by his sister that I am not part of the family, and my
mother-in-law feels that I have been trying to rip apart the family, by
suggesting that we all go for counselling to clear everything up. They
feel that the only way to deal with these issues is for me to ignore,
and sweep things under the carpet, like they have always done.
I have tried talking to them, being assertive rather than aggressive,
and nothing seems to work. What do I do when holidays come around, and
my children want to see these people? Do I take them over to visit
anyway even though I may not be welcome? I think no matter what I do,
it would be wrong according to my in-laws. I would like my children to
be close to my husbands family. How do my husband and I ignore the
abuse towards us when it happens? Or do my husband, my children and
myself get on with our lives and continue to distance ourselves for our
own good?
Please help!
If they hit you on the head with your sister-in-law's whisky bottle, it
would be less abusing than the psychlogical abuse you have been suffering.
In some ways it would be better for them to resort to physical abuse; then
you could charge them and get them put away.
But I'm afraid the emotional and verbal beating you've been taking over
the years of your marriage has made it almost impossible for you to think
this situation through logically.
Reading between the lines, it seems to me as if your husband has been just
letting this happen, either taking their side against you or sitting idly
by while they destroy your self confidence. Mayby I'm wrong. I hope so.
But you say you were almost driven to divorce and that makes me think that
your husband couldn't choose between his wife and his parents. Most people
don't have to do that, but in this case I think he must. And I guess he
finally did.
Somewhere along the line you decided to keep your distance from his
family. Good idea. Then your hapless effort to regain some sort of
civilized contact obviously didn't work. You can probably lay the blame
for that on the sister who must have a very dull life and uses this old
family feud to make herself seem important.
Perhaps your mother-in-law would be approachable alone, if that could be
arranged.
Could you ask her to visit with you, and not invite the sister? Could you
set up some sort of outing just with his parents? Must your contact with
that family always include the trouble-seeking sister?
And if you do go to visit them, don't assume you are not welcome. Get out
your new assertiveness and use it. And for goodness sake don't suggest
again that they all go for counselling. It might be a great idea but there
are a lot of people who consider it to be some sort of family disgrace. If
they don't realize the value it could provide, they'll just be insulted.
You can always try to ignore the insults. You can even pretend you don't
sense their disapproval of everything you do. But if even a brief holiday
visit still turns into nothing but a punishment for you and your husband,
your best recourse is, as you put it, to just get on with your lives
without any further contact with his previous family.
It seems that you have abandoned any notion of separating over this
matter. It seems that your husband has come to realize that his family now
is you and the children. That realization will play a very important part
of the happiness you deserve. As for the children, don't for a minute
think you are depriving them of anything. When they are a bit older, they
may wish to look up their grandparents and might benefit from contact with
them, then. But now, whatever transpires at the home of these abusive
people can't possibly enrich the children's lives. It only adds to their
confusion to see adults at their worst.
I'll bet your in-laws are saying terrible things about how you bring up
those children and probably feel they could do a much better job. But the
facts are that it's your job to rais the kids and you'll do it the best
way you know how. Don't let others interfere. They had their chance. They
raised your husband and probably did a pretty good job if that, even if
his sister got off on the wrong foot. That may not have been their fault.
No matter how hard we try, we can't determine the entire lives of our
children. But one way or the other, they've had their child-raising time.
Now it's your turn.
Good luck
GG
I am 20 years old, and I have never met my father. My parents were
divorced when I was a baby, and I grew up with my mother and
grandmother. I know very little about him; my mother has always said I
am better off for having not known him, as he is an abusive alcoholic.
I have never tried to press my mother for more info, because it is very
painful for her to talk about him, and the topic makes us both
uncomfortable.
While I'm grateful I didn't have to grow up with an alcoholic father, I
have always been extremely curious about him and his life. I don't want
any money from him or anything like that. But I would love to know what
he's like. What does he eat for breakfast? Do I have any brothers or
sisters? What was he like when he was my age?
I don't have any anger towards him. I am fairly certain that he wanted
to be a part of my life as I was growing up, but that my mother wouldn't
permit it. My only real link to him has been an old photo album--I've
pored over it so many times, comparing our faces and wondering about the
scenes depicted, that it's starting to fall apart. I've always wished
so fervently that I knew the stories behind the pictures.
I recently found his address and telephone number using a web-based
search program. My question, then, is whether or not I should contact
him. I am thinking of sending a short letter and possibly a recent
photo of myself, to invite him to write or call me.
My friends tell me I am setting myself up to be hurt, because chances
are that he won't respond. I feel, however, that I personally have
nothing to lose--either he'll write back, which would be great, or he
won't, in which case the situation will remain the same as it has for
the past 20 years.
My real trepidations concern him. Might my letter disrupt his life?
What if his present wife or girlfriend doesn't know he was married
before, and she opens it? One could say it serves him right for leaving
children here and there, but I'd still hate to mess things up for him.
What do you think?
-Confused
Bear in mind, my friend, that this decision is entirely on your shoulders
and cannot be borne by anyone else but you. All anyone else can do is help
you think over your problem as you come to your own conclusion. This is
what I shall do, to the best of my ability. You might also want to discuss
this with some other caring person who is not a member of your family,
such as a guidance counsellor at your school or university, or the
minister or priest or rabbi at your place of worship.
Asking me was a good idea too, because I do have experience in these
things and although I have never met you, I care a great deal for you, and
both your parents.
And, since you did ask me, here goes:
You ask me what I think? I think you should try to contact your father.
This is not the easy road to take but I do believe it is the only one. If
only for practical reasons, you should know as much about him as possible
because when you have medical problems later in life the doctors will want
to know certain things about both your parents.
But far more important is your own peace of mind. So often we consider the
needs of others; our parents, our children, our friends and everyone else
with whom we come in contact, but we also have ourselves to consider.
Don't become a miserable person by denying yourself the opportunity to
know your own father. He may be all sorts of a villain to other people,
but to you he is flesh and blood, half of your genetic pool which will
affect you and all your descendents forever. It is not a selfish notion to
want to see him and talk with him. It is just plain human nature.
If he indeed is, or was, an abusive alcoholic, you might avoid following
in his footsteps by knowing more about how he got that way. If he has
reformed; you should find out how that came about. And, to be truthful,
you don't know for sure whether your father deserted you and your mother
willingly or not, and whether he was abusive or not.
The real facts surrounding those years will never be known to you
entirely, no matter who relates them to you; your mother, your
grandmother, others who were there at the time, or your father, when you
contact him. Each will have his or her version of the story and you should
never try to decide what really happened, because you will never know.
Judging your father would only be falling into a trap. When you find him,
and if he is willing to be your friend, you will have to take him at face
value as he is today. Discourage him from discussing your mother, and try
to maintain a good relationship with him on an adult basis.
There are possibilities to be considered before you set out. If contacting
him is going to devastate your mother, you have to decide whether this is
worth the cost. In this case you have two choices. Either persuade her
that meeting your father is not an act of disloyalty to her, or else do it
secretly.
The former option is by far the best. If you assure her that you are not
looking for parenting but simply wanting to see him to satisfy your
curiosity, she might be able to accept the idea. If she goes into a rage
and her health is threatened by the prospect, then abandon the whole idea
for the moment, never discuss it again, and at a later date try to find
him discretely. When you have found him it will be up to you not to lessen
the attention you pay to your mother. She is still the person who has
stuck by you all these years and deserves your allegiance. But she doesn't
own your life; and your life can include knowing your father. Remember
that it was not you who married the wrong man 20 years ago. Don't feel you
must bear the burden of guilt. But be considerate.
I know that will be possible for you because you have sought my advice; an
act of conscientious concern for your mother.
The likelihood that your father does not want to have you suddenly appear
on his doorstep is another consideration. He may have a family who would
be shocked and upset to discover that he has a 20 year old daughter. On
the other hand, they may know about you already and be as pleased to meet
you as you would be pleased to meet them. This is a chance you have to
take, but don't go blundering in without giving your father due notice.
Make contact with your father by email, or by post, or, preferably, by
phone. Tell him your name and wait for his response. Expect surprise, of
course, and expect him to be at a loss for words. He may not be able to
talk to you because of other people who would hear, so break the silence
by telling him where you live and what you are doing - school - work -
sports. Don't give him your phone number because you don't want him
calling back and perhaps getting your mother on the phone. Just ask him
when you can meet him, and where, and if he can't give you an answer, tell
him you'll be calling him again soon. Then, unless he shows interest, hang
up and call him again a few days later.
An unlikely possibility is that he will deny that he is your father. That
would be tough but you must be prepared for this eventuality. He might say
that your mother may have not been entirely candid. In this case. Do not
judge her either. If this man is really not your father, your search will
just take a little longer. Don't give up.
Good luck. And remember, there are many, many people going through exactly
what you are going through at this moment. One thing is sure. You can't
live in peace for the rest of your life without meeting your real father.
Go for it.
GG
Well good for you! You've found true love! Let's all celebrate. Then,
after the hoorays have died down let's examine the situation more closely.
How do you know it is "true" love? Have you met this woman of your
dreams face to face? Is she really what has been claimed in those hot and
heavy email dispatches which have been burning up your cyberspace for the past
few weeks?
High insurance premiums may not be the only impediment to happiness ever
after when you get to the Lone Star State. For goodness sake go for a
visit. Live with your new found romantic friend for a few weeks - maybe a
few days will be all it takes for you to hightail it back to Canada.
Have you thought of the possibility that she might be disillusioned too?
But if it is truly true love, I mean TRULY true two-way love, she should
be willing to consider moving in with you, where the insurance would be
free if you were ever to marry, or, it might even be worth it to you both
to go ahead and live in Texas, if she can't be moved.
I can't believe that an insurance policy should stand in the way of real love.
But first make damn sure you really want to make a permanent arrangement
with this person. Then decide if it's worth the permanent move; and who
should be the one to do the moving.
If it turns out to be less than the perfect ending you anticipated in all
your wonderful letters, just continue the affair on the net and leave it
at that.
Look before you take the Texas leap!
Sincerely yours,
GG
How fortunate is your father to have a concerned son because I know your
concern includes him, as well as your prized possessions.
You have written, regarding your father's ageing:
"The adjustment has been difficult for me, but I am coping
quite well to this stage of his life."
Let's pause a moment and consider this. It is your father who has become,
in your words, "quite senile." You say that YOU are coping with this
stage in HIS life; well, I wonder how HE is coping.
From your point of view this condition is something that you have to
cope with. Suppose this was happening to you, as it well may in time.
It's more difficult now for your father to cope with these changes than
it is for you.
But setting that aside, let me assure you that you cannot change your
father. If there is one message that I have been trying to get across in
all my letters to all the troubled people who write to me here, it is
that you cannot change other people. The only person you have any hope of
changing is yourself.
So, for starters, please dismiss your notion that he has a thoughtless
nature, that he just doesn't happen to be aware of. You know from long
experience with your father that he has spent his life thinking of
others. He has a kind nature but that has nothing to do with his
forgetfulness about the garage door.
I know that your concerns about being robbed are real. This can, and does
happen all too often, but knowing that isn't going to assure that your
dad will remember to lock the door, so you have to think of a clever
solution.
Would it be too much of a problem to get one of those little garden sheds
with its own lock on it for your father's posessions? Or move them all
into the basement, or a spare room in the house. The only way you can be
sure that the garage door gets locked after he uses it is to have someone
assigned to do it for him, and this becomes a sort of baby-sitting job;
or is it grandad sitting?
I don't want to suggest that you should move your father out of your
house, but it might come to that if what you now call his senility should
develop into a life threatening condition. However, if you think he would
always be much more comfortable and happy with you, you'll have to figure
out a way to accommodate the treasured belongings that he likes to
rummage around in from time to time. Just know that you can not make him
remember to lock the door when he's through, and it is not because he is
thoughtless - just forgetful.
Please don't argue with him about this. It will only make him unhappy and
that's not what you want.
And here's just one more suggestion. How about giving him the key to a
little door in the side of the garage, leading into a small closed-off
cupboard which does not access to the rest of the garage. Rig up a light
in this cupboard, build shelves for his boxes of things, and maybe put a
stool there too, so he can relax as he pores over them.
In other words, do something positive to protect your expensive tools and
to protect your father's feelings and needs at the same time. But please
do not ever scold him for his forgetfulness. And never, never, let
your children hear you complain about him. Time passes faster than you
could ever imagine.
Very sincerely yours,
GG
