Granny's Advice

I have a job I love that is full time plus some evenings. I have two young children, girls age 31/2 and 1 year. I have a beautiful new home that we built four years ago, and other than a heavy mortgage I love where we live. My husband is loving, however also works full time and helps his brother-in-law with his business in his spare time. I am also very involved in my church, and enjoy being with people.

What I don't understand is why I'm feeling so bored, unhappy and often angry.

What scares me now is that I find myself taking my frustrations out on my children. I anger easily, and find myself yelling often. There have even been occasions where I have hit one or the other, and felt awful after. There are times I feel so overwhelmed I want to just run away.

My husband and I rarely seem to have time to talk, and I'm finding that our interests are just not the same anymore. I am well-known and respected in the community, and am too embarrassed to seek help. More than anything, I don't want to hurt my children, who deserve a mother who is more patient of the demands of young children. Between my job, family and other obligations, I have no time to pursue hobbies.

Help, I feel like I'm going crazy!!

Your letter tells a familiar story very well, and the first thing you should know for sure is that you are not going crazy. You've done an extremely sane thing in seeking help, anonymously, to avoid embarrassment among your friends and yet, hopefully, find a direction out of your dilemma.

The second surety is that you will not run away. You can't. No matter where you go in this world, you'll never find the quality of ingredients that you now have right in your home, mortgage and all.

So next you have to divide your problems up and beat them one by one.

The most vexing to me is that you are afraid you might do damage to your children out of frustration at your own situation, which you call boring.

This is the problem you absolutely MUST solve at once. If you're afraid for their safety when you are alone with them, and in a rotten mood, just make sure you never are. Since you say you have a job, you must have someone caring for them while you are away. Arrange for the baby sitter to stay in the house, hire someone else, invite in a neighbour, or confide in your church friends and enlist one of them, until your husband comes home.

Also, whenever you are with the children, no matter who else is there too, take time to read to them (yes you can read to a one-year-old) and sing with them, and let them make a mess in the kitchen making their own pie dough, or drum with them with wooden spoons on saucepans while you play taped marches and children's songs. In other words have fun with them at their level.

You say that between your job, family and other obligations, you have no time to pursue hobbies; well, make a hobby of finding things that make two tiny little girls laugh. If the hobbies you hope to get around to have to do with art or music or sports - prepare the girls now to take an interest later. This is the family you have chosen to produce; you'll be living with them for a long, long time and it's going to be wondrously enjoyable if you develop similar interests.

The main thing to concentrate on is that you must not hit them again, ever. There are civil servants whose jobs are to remove children from abusing parents and they are the ones who decide what constitutes abuse. Allowing the children to be taken away would be unthinkable. Just don't let it happen.

But I really don't think that your fear of harming the children is at the bottom of your worry. It's the gradual drawing apart that's going on between you and your husband. I guess he doesn't share your community involvement, and probably you aren't too interested in the work he does, nor the help he gives his brother.

I think you could do something about that. You'll never get him to take part in public affairs; it's just not in his constitution. You must have known, when you married him, that he is not an outgoing individual - he's the quiet workaholic type. So, without cutting yourself off frome your outside friends, try to cut down on those social activities that don't include your husband - for a while anyway.

Consider this to be an emergency measure, and try it out for a year. At the same time, see what you can do about making yourself a part of what he is doing. Keep in touch with his work, ask him about how it's going and what are his major challenges. Don't expect him to take a similar interest in yours - not yet anyway - but just make a big effort to be on his side as he struggles to get that mortgage paid off.

He doesn't talk to you much any more. So you have to talk with him. Not about how bored you are, or how angry you are, or anything else to do with you, but about how wonderful it is that he works so hard for his family and show him that you understand and appreciate what he's doing.

When men pull back into their shells, like scared turtles, it's because they think nobody would care if the did speak their mind. But if you are truly interested, he'll open up, you'll see. But it won't happen tomorrow. Give it a year. Then, if things haven't changed, give it another year.

Try to find some friends, just one or two not a mob, who he enjoys being with, and ask them over. Not a formal occasion - just to watch a video or to eat something fancy you've cooked up with your children. Let it be totally informal and brief. Your workaholic husband won't want to squander away his valuable time socializing - but before he knows it he'll be doing just that and enjoying it.

Here's another hint to banish boredom. Don't EVER mention being bored again. Remove the word from your vocabulary. Let your friends think your life is as idyllic as it sounds in your first paragraph. Bask in the delights of having a perfect marriage, a perfect family, and a perfect home. Don't worry about the mortgage - it's not a disgrace - it's just the time-honoured way of buying a home. Some people pay rent, others pay a mortgage; it all depends on whether you want to own your home in the end, and in your case that's the way it will be for you.

Nobody will solve your problems for you, so you just have to get a good grip on them and solve them yourself. Read this letter over once in a while and don't try to do it all at once. Just whittle away at the troubles and I promise you they will become smaller and smaller. They may never vanish altogether, but they will diminish.

And remember through it all that there are a zillion other 32 year olds out there going through the same things you are, and most of them will survive. You will too.

Yours most sincerely, Great Granny

I've recently moved to another city to live with my internet lover. When I send e-mail to my [former] mailing list buddies, I'm largely ignored. It's lonely enough trying to find my way here and make new friends; but this ostracization - or my perception of it - is upsetting me more than it should.
Just off the top of your head, do you think they feel threatened/outraged/ judgmental? And why does it matter so much to me?

Puzzled in an unfamiliar city...

Moving to a new city can be traumatic, under any circumstances. Making new friends is a challenge. Losing old friends can be terribly upsetting. All these things seem to be happening to you at the same time, along with the unavoidable perplexities of getting along with a new partner.

You may be seeing it all in the right perspective when you write "this ostracization - or my perception of it" - because I think all the changes you are facing just now may be slanting your perception a bit.

Your old Internet buddies are probably not intentionally ostracizing you, they may just have their minds on other things. If, indeed, some of them are feeling threatened - it's probably more a matter of jealousy. If they are outraged - let them rage and be glad you are out of their reach. If they ever were truly your friends, they wouldn't be outraged at your happiness. And if they are being judgmental, let them be. Listen to the things they "talk" about online in your mailing list. Chances are most of their interests are in judging others. That may be their favourite pastime.

If you decide to keep up with that group, just pop in from time to time with something uncontroversial - let your presence be felt - and wait it out. They'll gradually come back - if you want them to.

You might be better pleased to set up a new field of friendship. Join another group. On the Internet there are no boundaries. Find a whole new niche.

As for making friends in your new neighbourhood - the one friend you need most right now is the man you moved there to live with. Forget yourself and your own immediate needs just now and concentrate on being sure that his life is as wonderful as you want it to be, with you. Be the one who helps him overcome all his own difficulties. Let him count on you to be the strong backer-upper of all his attempts at a good life.

Because you so greatly depend on friends, probably he does too. And at this moment his greatest friend is you. Leave your previous connections on the shelf for a while and devote all your energies to your connection with this one man.

I promise you that it will help you get everything into perspective.

Yours most sincerely, GG

My in-law's do not have a very good relationship and my father-in- law has a tendency to bark at my mother-in-law(as my husband describes it)- to which she will immediately back down. This example is one that has been followed by my 17 yr old brother-in-law. My mother-in-law often talks to me about the hurt she feels from her younger son (my husband is 26), the lack of respect he has for her and his total unresponsiveness to her as a parent. Basically he tolerates her(and not very well) and he uses her. He stays up all night playing computer games and then sleeps all day during the summer, then during the school yr he misses alot of school because he cant sleep at night and can't get up in time for school, he expects her to cook all his meals for him and will not eat unless she does, he wont do the few (and I mean very few!) chores she has asked of him, he borrows money and doesnt return it -saying she makes more than he does anyway!!- he expects her to pay for his car, insurance and gas whenever he doesnt have enough $$ because he has spent it on things she doesnt approve of anyway(and she does!!), he is rude and disrespectful, ungrateful and the closest I've ever seen to a genuinely "spoiled rotten" kid!!

My husband became a Christian when he was 22 and I believe this is one of the greater contributing factors that has changed his relationship with his mom. My brother-in-law also became a Christian(when he was 16) but he hasnt seemed to change much at all(if anything he gets worse as he gets older). My husband has tried to help him to see how he hurts their mom and call him to his comittment to Christ but he doesnt hear him because he is so defensive/prideful. We have both tried over and over and over again to encourage my mother-in-law to be firm and consistant, to expect respect and obedience, to be sure there are consequences to his improper behavior.

We have offered examples, tried to help her to see that it isn't helpful for her to take responsibility for everything he does/doesnt do, and it is only hurting him every time she refuse to allow reality to discipline him (as well as every time she neglects to discipline/train him in the way he should go) but she seems to be permanantly stuck in the softy mode. She hates it when he tells her she is a nag or treats her like the bad guy and to this she will immediately back down. I have shared with her how I felt that way about my parents too (at that age most kids do) but now I wish they were even more strict but it does no good! There is a similar story with her husband in that she is not happy with their relationship but doesnt seek counseling, doesnt demand respect and continues to do everything the same hoping for different results...???!

I dont know what to do anymore. She comes to me and my husband often to talk about how she feels and also to get advice and I am at a loss as to how to respond to either now! I cannot give up on her. As I said before, she is a wonderful person and deserves MUCH, MUCH better. Please help.

That is far more important than you realize, and it is a gift to her that you alone can give. Don't underestimate what you are doing for her, just by being there and being understanding.

Your mother lives in a generation when people don't stay together if they don't want to; not like in my early days when marriage was considered to be forever no matter how far a couple drifted apart. If things are really as intolerable as you believe them to be, I think she would have left long ago, especially since she's gainfully employed and doesn't need to remain in an abusive situation for support.

But I think there are things going on in that family that give her satisfaction. To begin with, only she and nobody else will ever know how dependent she is on her husband, however rude he may be, for purely physical reasons. Sex is a strong glue that keeps lots of seemingly unpleasant marriages together.

Mothers also derive certain satisfaction from knowing that they can provide their children with things they enjoy. If she's paying all the bills for your husband's young brother, that may seem like spoiling the kid rotten to you, but she wouldn't be doing it for that purpose alone. I think she wants him to have the things he likes. I'll bet she didn't have those things when she was a teenager; now she's enjoying them vicariously. And if it means sacrifice on her part - if she's doing without so he can enjoy his youth - well, maybe she needs to do that. Mothers sometimes appear to be insane, through the eyes of people who have not gone through it yet. Mothers are not just ordinary people, you know, they are "mothers."

You can never persuade her husband and son to be polite to her. They probably think it's the macho thing to treat her like a lesser mortal. Some people think others enjoy being treated "rough". Consider it to be an incurable disease; they will never recover. But aren't you glad that your dear mother-in-law comes to you with her troubles. I know she doesn't expect you to change anything in her own home, but she knows there is a safe place to go, a shoulder to lean on, and it's yours.

Think of it as a blessing. Whatever nastiness goes on over there, she knows that in your home she is loved and treated like a queen. I hope you and your husband also make a point of being extra considerate of her, and praising her accomplishments, when her husband and younger son are around. They should know that she is actually appreciated. Also, I hope you never criticize them or try to scold them about the way they act. It will do absolutely no good. Just keep them knowing that the woman in their home is a worthy person, but don't let them think that they are not worthy too.

Possibly their actions towards her are a reflection of their feeling inadequate in her presence. They may feel inferior to this woman, and keep putting her down to keep up their own egos. This is why you should also treat them as though they were perfect gentlemen and never hold her up to them as a paragon of virtue. Do unto them exactly as you would have them do unto you - and unto their wife and mother. Good begets good.

You and your young husband are learning lessons now that will guarantee a great marriage and a beautiful family life for as long as you live.

All you wanted was just a quick bit of advice as to how to get those men to smarten up, but there is no way, quick or slow. Think, though, about the future. Think of how this experience is going to affect your outward expressions towards eachother and your future managing of your own children. Also think of what you are going to do when your in-laws are old. Maybe one will be left alone and need help and companionship from you. It is important right now that you not alienate either of them.

You should have enough insight into the situation to handle things now so that no doors will have been closed. In 20 years one or both might need your help. When that time comes, the weaker one, your father-in-law may need the most.

I hope there's something here that will help you live with your present dilemma.

Yours faithfully, Great Granny

As for concentrating on your children and husband, well, that's easy because they are right there. You have to concentrate on them or else they will not eat the right kind of food, their clothes will never be washed, and the whole home will deteriorate.

You want them to get the great care that your parents gave to you. You owe that to your parents. Your own mom and dad prepared you for the responsibilities of adulthood. That was their duty. Now it's your duty to conduct yourself as they taught you, be precept and by example.

Going to your work all day, trying to squeeze quality time with your husband into the moments between his night work and your day work, and somehow managing to provide the kind of home life for your children that they will remember fondly all their lives is not easy. But it's also not impossible. After all, you are a mother. And as I've mentioned before in this column, mothers aren't just people; they are mothers.

Don't ever let your parents go. Borrow their warmth in all your relationships. Emulate their attitude towards the children. Let their spirits live through you so your children will have the benefit of their missing grandparents, through you. Also tell the children about them Let them know how wonderful their grandparents were. If telling about them brings tears to your eyes, let the teardrops fall. Tell the children how much you loved your parents. They will too.

Don't be ashamed of mourning. Believe nobody who says you'll get over it. Be sorry for yourself. I am too. It hurts me terribly that my own husband never saw our last two grandchildren, or any of our great grandchildren. And worse, still, they will never know the joy of climbing up on his lap and being enfolded in his arms. It breaks my heart; but there's work to be done.

Our heartbreaks belong to us, personally, but, hey, life goes on. Nobody lives forever. Whenever they die, whether they are young or old, they will miss whatever comes next. Those of us who are living,and able, have a heavy responsibility to nurture the people in our trust. Believe me, that can be done while mourning.

I'd like to tell you that your grief over losing your parents will pass, but I can't. Believe me.

While you are trying to concentrate solely on your children and husband don't forget to concentrate on yourself as well. Indulge your sorrow. Cry outloud about the loss of your parents. Give vent to your emotions. Then wipe away the tears and do the ironing, or fix some yummy meal, something your mother used to fix for you, and party with the children.

You'll never get over it, but I know you can live with it; and rather than weakening you, it will make you strong. Both your parents would want it that way.

Yours most sincerely, Great Granny