Granny's Advice

Dear G.G.

I am gay and well over 40 by now. My situation is whether or not to tell my parents. They are divorced and have been for 30 years. The reason I sort of want to level with them is due to the fact that I want in my heart to let them know who and what I am. I am not some pervert lurking in the bushes waiting for some unsuspecting child. I am a loving human beings who happen to have been born with this attraction. Society doesn't have a clue to the gay person. What would you do in my situation? Thanks for your input.

Dear over 40,

You might be surprised at what society has a clue about these days. There are still a lot of people around who fear anything and anyone who is in any way different from them, but maybe your parents don't fit that category. You're afraid they'll panic, blame themselves, banish you, feel disgraced, shocked, let down - or whatever. Well, maybe they will, but as I see it there is only one thing for you to do, now that you are ready to take them into your confidence, go and do it.

Give your parents the benefit of fully knowing you. When you tell them what has been on your mind for so long you might be surprised to find that they already knew.

Much of their lives has been spent caring for you. I'm sure they love you but they may have felt a lack of communication between you and them during these many years while you were trying to prevent them from finding out about your true self. If they have really not guessed yet, and if it comes to them as a great surprise, you can lessen their shock by taking it one step at a time.

By now they must realize that you do not intend to marry a woman so it won't surprise them when you tell them that though you like and admire women, you do not feel romantically attracted to them. Then you will want them to know that your life is not going to be lonely because you have, or will have, a special friend to share it with.

Give your parents credit. They'll likely take this calmly. All a parent really wants for his children is that they have a good, happy life. If your parents are really taken off guard, if they never suspected, and it upsets them to know the truth, they might shout, cry, argue, or threaten to never speak to you again. Your role should be to just let the scene play itself out. Don't try to change them. You don't want them to try to change you.

Stay calm and say nothing you will regret later. After you have made your statement, change the subject. Nothing is going to be accomplished by talking more about it now. I don't think they'll want to prolong the conversation. Leave it there and never bring it up again, unless they do. And for goodness sake don't argue or try to justify your position. You don't have to; this is not a court of law, it's a loving family.

Remember through it all that you have done nothing wrong. If you were comitting some sort of a crime you would be ashamed. Your only mistake has been not letting them know earlier that you are gay. But day by day, year by year, it's easy to suddenly arrive at 40 and still not get around to doing what must be done. Your parents are human beings; they'll understand that, and especially when your reason was just trying to spare them even more problems than they already have.

I can easily understand how this would happen. Now you have to make your parents understand as well. The opportunity may just not have been there - for such an important heart to heart talk with them. So now you must make the occasion - and if you can't tell them both at once, try one at a time, but leaving very little time between the tellings. You might prefer to write a letter, explaining it briefly and optimistically, and send it to both of them at the same time.

If you do decide to write about it, be sure not to place blame anywhere, on them, or anyone else or on yourself. Just tell them, because you love them and want to share your innermost thoughts with them, that as they may have already realized, you are gay and intend to continue living in that style, and that you are confident that your relationship with your family will not change.

Your parents have had their troubles. They have faced difficulties and made decisions which have not always been accepted by all members of society. Divorce is not a disgrace, but it does put into question a person's attitude towards traditional family values. When I was young, divorce in the family WAS considered disgraceful and when my own parents were divorced it was an embarassment to us all.

Also, when I was young, homosexuality was not even discussed. Gays and lesbians had to pretend they were straight to be accepted socially. And, just to demonstrate how much of real life was being swept under the rug in those days, nobody ever mentioned cancer, tuberculosis, suicide, or sexually transmitted diseases, although these things touched all our lives.

Today things are different. I think your parents will love you all the more after you have let them into your own private world. And for sure your own life will be a heck of a lot easier after they know.

If all the above helps you over this particularly difficult hurdle, please let me know. And if I've totally missed your main problem, please let me know that too.
Truly yours, GG

Dear Great Granny,

For three years now my wife and I have been up a wall because our daughter-in-law refuses to let us see our only grandson, now three, except on special occasions such as Easter and Christmas. We have done our best to get along with her but for reasons unknown to us and to our son, she has excluded us.
Yours truly, Distraught grandfather.

Dear Distraught,

How frustrating it must be to have a grandson one can only see twice a year; and probably on those rare occasions the visit is hurried and complicated with the special celebrations involved.

What you and your wife need is time to be with the child, to walk with him and read to him, and listen while he tries to form his first sentences. Your very brief letter leaves me wondering whether you live far away from your son and his family, or whether you could stroll over to their house, or drive over easily for more frequent visits. Or could your son bring the baby to your house once in a while, just to say Hello?

Seems the objection comes from your daughter-in-law but nobody seems to know why. Those five little words "for reasons unknown to us" are the most revealing words in your letter. That is the seat of the whole problem. Next time you are with your son and daughter-in-law, will you please ask them if your grandchild could spend an afternoon with you. Make a specific plan and ask them about a specific date for the visit.

Then, when they put up objections, ask about a different date. If they still won't agree to bring him to you for a visit, then ask them if you could come to their house for an afternoon's visit with the child. Make it very definite - tell them clearly that you only want to be with him for a short while because you enjoy his company and you want him to know you better as well.

If they persist in refusing to agree on a specific date for such a visit, then ask them point blank if they will tell you what is the reason that they don't want their son to spend any time with you.

I'm sure they will skirt all around the subject, trying in every possible way to avoid telling you right out what it is about you that disturbs them. But if you persevere, they will have to tell you in the end. Be prepared for a surprise, maybe even a shock, certainly an insult. But whatever their problem is, remember it is their problem. If it's something that makes sense to you, perhaps you could make a few changes. Maybe they think you are not capable of looking after him. Maybe they think you smoke too much, or drink too much, or drive unsafely, or perhaps they just don't like the language you use. Maybe they believe your home is not clean enough for their child, or unsafe in some other way.

Whatever it is, don't get angry. You are who you are, and you have raised your son to be the kind of a man that your daughter-in-law chose for her husband. You are just as worthy and deserving to befriend your grandson as anyone else in the world. He is your flesh and blood and you are a part of his life whether his mother likes it or not.

But to achieve your wish - to spend a little time with your grandson, you could try to make a few minor changes. Also there are a few "donts".

Don't ever give your grandson anything to eat unless you have asked his mother if it's alright. Some young parents have strange and wonderful ideas of what a child may or may not eat and it would be terrible to interfere with her routine. Also, don't ever give him a new toy without first checking with his mother. What you might consider to be a great plaything could be seen by your daughter-in-law as a danger to him, physically or psychologically.

In other words, let his time with you be purely a visit, not a take over. Just be with him, don't try to change him. Remember that this child is not yours, but hers. Don't interfere, and don't ever discuss the child while he is present. Also don't ever discuss his parents with him.

Try very hard to arrange one brief visit and be sure that nothing untoward happens at that time. It should be very short, very quiet, and not emotional. You'll have to persuade your wife to go along with this plan. When your daughter-in-law can see that nothing bad has happened, and that the visit has made you very happy, and after you have left quietly with a simple thank you to her for the visit, she will not be afraid to let it happen again.

Another good idea is to be calm and friendly, smile at your grandson and talk to him directly whenever you see him on those rare Easter and Christmas occasions. Make eye contact with him and never let him see you arguing with his parents or saying anything about them behind their backs. For the rest of his life he will remember you exactly as you are now - so be sure to be the grandparents you want him to remember.

Since it is so important to you to get to know your grandson, it's worth working to achieve. Only by finding out what those "reasons unknown" are, and then doing something about them, will you ever get over this wall you are up against.
Yours sincerely, GG

Dear Great Granny

I'm going to get married soon but for the past couple of months I have had to great deal of emotional conflict and pain. I'm the main supporter (financially and emotionally) of my aging parents (73 and 66).

My parents do not like nor approve of my wife-to-be at all. They think that she's pulling me away from them or deliberately separating them from me. To make matter worse, they still deeply believe in our old culture that the wife has to stay with the husband's family.

I found myself often taking sides and causing both my wife-to-be and my parents a great deal of pain. In fact my mom is so emotionally stressed out that she has been getting sick often, recently.

I'm looking forward to our marriage, but somewhat afraid that I will have to deal with these problems on a continuous basis. It takes so much out all of us and I do not want to hurt them. I have to admit that I had a lot to do with this problem to begin with because before I met my wife-to-be, my parents always got whatever they wanted.

I don't think we can afford to do that anymore. What can I do ???

LOST

Dear Lost,

This is the age old problem of leaving the nest and building one of your own. I don't know where you live now, I'm guessing it's either Canada or the US, and I have to presume that your parents have come here from a distant land, possibly the far east, and have brought their traditions with them.

But this is not just a matter of telling them that in this country when people get married they set up their own household, not with the parents. To explain that this is a tradition of the country you now live in might be hard for them to take, but it is a fact and you just have to make it clear to them that it means no lack of respect for the parents, it is just the way of life, here.

You can't tell them to abandon their own traditions in their own household, but you must make it clear to them that you and your new wife intend to live by the traditions of your new home.

As for the support of your parents, that's your decision of course. If you can't afford to keep them as well off as they hae always been, you have to decide whether it is worth getting married under those conditions. Surely this will depend on how important it is for you to have a family of your own.

I have to presume that you are truly in love with your wife-to-be and that she understands the problem you are having with your parents. If she is also in love with you she will help you in every way to make your parents feel comfortable with the coming marriage. Surely you will plan to have a ceremony that they will be happy to take part in. One way to do this would be to arrange for the minister, priest, rabbi, or whoever is going to marry you, to come to your home and explain the service to your parents, in their own language, and at the same to explain what the relationship will be between them and their new daughter-in-law.

If there is any truth in their notion that she is keeping you from them, and them from you, discuss this at length with her, to be absolutely sure that it is not true. If you find that she is jealous of your association with your parents, and with their traditions, you might be in for a very stormy marriage. It would be better to find out about that before the wedding and clear up any misunderstanding now.

I am wondering what attitude her own parents are taking; and how you feel in their company. If there is animosity between her parents and yours, and if it can't be resolved now, it is almost certain that your marriage won't survive the storms that are bound to come later.

Now is the time to sit down and talk with them all, separately and together, and make them know that none of the love you have for them is going to change. If you can possibly make them see your wife-to-be as the wonderful person you believe her to be, they might be persuaded to accept her into their hearts, and even do without some of the luxuries you have been heaping on them, so that you and your new wife can have a home of your own.

i've given this a lot of thought, and written a lot of words here, and it all boils down to your ability to explain your real needs to your parents. It might help for you to bring some other young married couple, along with their parents, into your home for a social visit, so your parents can see that it is possible for such a group to enjoy eachother's company.

If none of the above will help; please let me know and I'll give you a few other suggestions. But I always think that frank discussion with everyone concerned can solve a lot of these seemingly insoluble problems. You may find it awkward to discuss these things with your wife and your parents all present at the same time, but I assure you it will not be nearly as difficult now as it might be later, if the disagrements continue to the point of breaking up your marriage.

Good luck with it, GG

Dear Great-Granny,

My husband, son and myself, have my mother and grandmother living with us. My mother takes care of my son and my grandmother. The problem is that my Grandmother is very frail, suffers from diabeties, is nearly blind and I think she may be loosing her mind.

My grandmother forgets to take her pills and so she has bad turns, which if she was alone for too long she could die from. She some times forgets what day of the week it is, she forgets to wash her clothes and this is all getting worse.

My mother is now not leaving the house or wanting to take my grandmother to the shops, as she fears that she will have a bad turn. As you can imagine when she does have a turn it is hard for my mother to take care of both my son and my grandmother.

I have suggested that she might be better off going into a home/care. This way there will be someone to take care of her all the time and it will allow my mother to have a life.

My mother is against this idea of putting her in a home, Mum sees homes as a dirty, smelly place where the elderly are left to die.

What do you suggest ? Should we put her in a home ? How would we get my grandmother to "like" the idea ?

Any suggestions would be great.

Regards, Four generations in one household:

Dear number three,

Years ago the notion of having many generations of a family all under one roof was more common but these days it's a rarity, and as you have discovered, not a simple matter. It always involves a great deal of love and sacrifice on the part of at least one member.

Your mother has the heaviest load here and I'm sure it causes her a great deal of stress, so we should address ourselves to her problem and perhaps the others will sort themselves out.

Looking after her elderly mother is becoming almost impossible because there is illness involved and constant care will soon be needed, if it is not needed already. Some communities have visiting nurses who can help out with medication and other small chores, but perhaps your grandmother would really be better cared for in a nursing home situation. If so, don't settle for anything dirty and smelly. Visit all the available institutions within reasonable driving distance and go for the one you trust most.

If you find one that suits, go for a visit and talk with some of the people who live there. If you decide it might be better for your grandmother than living at home, ask her to try it out on a temporary basis. Don't move anything out of her room at your home, so when she comes back for a visit she will still know her home is in tact, if you have to bring her home, and perhaps try another home later.

Your grandmother has been talking with her family members every day for a lifetime, so don't cut her off now, just because you have found her a more convenient place to eat and sleep. Visit her every day until she has found people there to talk with and confide in. Take her on outings. In other words, don't change your family makeup. That would be cruel. That would, indeed, be leaving her there to die, and that is not your intent.

Free of the constant worry about her own mother, your mother could now "have a life," except that it seems she is also saddled with the care or your son. I think she has done her duty to this family, first raising her own family, then looking after this grandson, and also her mother. Maybe while you are arranging for a good nursing home form your grandmother, you could be finding day care for your son.

Some women don't know what to do with themselves when family responsibilities are suddenly lifted, but I'll bet your mother will know. Some thing she has been wishing she could find time for all her life will be there waiting for her attention.

Looking at your problem from the point of view of others might result in other solutions, but I doubt it. Your grandmother's best interest will be served in a good nursing home and if it turns out to be too dirty and smelly you and your mother could volunteer to help correct that.

From your own personal point of view, whatever work you do will be done twice as well if you have happy, unstressed people in your home. Your son will benefit from daycare, spending time with peers.

Your husband will obviously be happier if the rest of you are.

And your mother, well - she'll derive a great deal more pleasure from all the other members of her family when it is worry free and can finally stop "mothering" them all.

The difficult part of this plan is persuading your mother that putting granny in "a home" is not a death sentence. It can be the beginning of a pleasant adventure for everyone, all depending on how much attention you continue to pay to her. Don't put her away and forget her. Give her a more suitable lodging and keep in constant touch. That's the way to make it work.

Sincerely yours, Great Granny

Dear Granny

I feel like a fool for writing this but I don't know where to go and I have tried going to a lot of places for help but nobody seems to care about my situation or any other sitution like mine.

I am 49 and last June the 28, 1995 was a disaster for me as I buried my wife after being married for over 25 years, and my life has been on a downhill slope ever since that time.

I had been making it fair for a while but now it seems like the whole world is crumbling down on me both financialy and emotionaly.

I have been trying to seek advice and have someone to help me turn my life back around where I can maybe want to keep on living and maybe have something in my life that was taken from me back in June.

I am just about out of my mind and there are days when I don't even want to keep on with this life but I am too proud to commit suicide, but I wish that I could find someone who will help me get my life back together again.

Mixed up 49 year old man.

Dear Mixed Up 49,

Yes, you are indeed mixed up. You will never have what was taken from you back in June, never. You had 25 wonderful years with her beside you when things were going well. Now you're on your own, not one half of a couple, you are one person with wonderful memories, but no possibility of ever having her back.

However, since you feel so strongly about finding someone else to help you get your life back together - financially and emotionally - this means you have not given up on life altogether. Too proud for suicide - that's hopeful.

Don't expect to replace your late wife. Don't even look for someone like her. And since you've had no luck trying to get someone to give you advice, maybe you should start today taking your own.

I'm not going to ask you to forget her; never. Everything you have had together will always be with you. Those experiences have molded your character and contributed in a major way to give you the financial and emotional stability that you achieved. So don't forget any of that.

But pull yourself together as a single person. Organize your life to include contact with people, new people, groups and individuals who never knew you as part of a couple - but who will get to know you as an individual. You don't have to drop all your old friends, but I know you will be more comfortable among new people who only know you as yourself, now.

Since you really want to find a new mate, here's a little exercise to help you find the right one. What kind of a woman would you be comfortable with at this point in your life? Picture her in your mind and tell yourself what kind of a man she would want to be with. Then, work at making yourself be that man.

Gradually, friendships will develop, you'll have people to confide in, and then suddenly one day when you least expect it, one person will turn out to be special. Don't expect miracles; just get your act together and take life one day at a time.

Thousands of others have pulled through the sorrow you now face and I know you will too.

Sincerely yours, Great Granny

return to Advice from Great Granny Query index

Dear Granny,

I'm 85 years old and impotent. My wife is still very sexually horny. What should I do for an erection? Any response long or short will be good for my wife and I.
Impotent Grandfather

Dear Impotent Grandfather,

Eighty-five, eh, and can't get it up? Jeepers, man, so what? This is not the end of your sex life, nor your horny wife's sex life either.

Lots of things come up in later years to change a man's natural capabilities; like operations, prostate trouble, medication for various conditions such as heart problems and diabetes, just to name a few. All these impediments to erection might discourage an ordinary man, but not a Maritimer (I'm guessing you are a Maritimer). And obviously your wife is still going strong too; aren't you lucky!

The main reason you're going to solve your own dilemma is your concern for your wife's happiness. Sure, you'd like to get it up too, just because it feels good and makes you feel "young"; but when you think about it, you don't really want to be young, surely. Just remember what a hassle it all was, and now you're finally having a few years of peace, don't even think about being young again. It would be terrible.

Think about being old, which is what you are right now. Old and wise and wonderful and twice as horny as your wife. You just have to express it in a new way. You can buy a rubber penis but that seems silly to me, when everyone knows that fingers were made before rubber.

You know you can satisfy your wife with your two hands and I'm sure that will give you pleasure too. Don't feel sorry for yourself because your sexual encounters aren't the same as they were a few years ago. Just be glad you have a wife who still enjoys it and make the most of it for as long as you want to. If it's good for her, it'll be good for you and you can bet she will find ways to thrill you - not the way she did when you were thirty something, but then you're not, you're way beyond that, thank goodness.

Too much emphasis on the presence of an erection can spoil good sex between a loving couple. Don't let that happen to you two. And, by the way, once in a while you might find yourself rising to the occasion - don't count on it - but such surprises can happen when least expected. If it does, just call it a bonus and go with the flow - don't expect miracles.

There now, you asked for any reply, long or short. Well, one thing about the do-it-with-your-own-hands version is that it can be as long or as short as you want it to be - Take all the time in the world; there's no reason to hurry, and you're not restricted by how long you can keep it up.

This may not have been an intergenerational question, or was it? Were you wishing you were back in your 40s or 50s - well, don't. Just enjoy your 80s. The carefree pleasures you can have now can be better than ever. Don't let useless worry spoil them for you. Who needs an erection when you've got a horny wife?

Sincerely yours, Great Granny