Granny's Advice

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Talk it over with your son. He might give you some insight into what's really the problem here. If his wife is embarassed by him and his parents (you) she must feel very insecure herself. This could be why she can't relate normally with her own parents, or make friends easily. Trying to cut her husband and child off from you is the sign of a person who has no sense of her own worth.

Help her gain some self esteem. This will be difficult, given her antipathy towards you. But for heaven's sake don't ever say anything, or write anything, or even suggest with a look or a sideways glance, to your granddaughter or your son, that there might be anything wrong with the daughter-in-law.

Your best bet is going to be to build up her confidence wherever you can. Even if she does little to warrant praise, find something to praise her for, and make sure she knows you do approve of something she does. Never let yourself be cast in the role of a disapproving or disagreeable old couple of meddlers - maintain your own reputation as loving grandparents. In the end you will gain the love and confidence of your granddaughter.

Also, don't fret too much about this. Our children have to live their own lives and solve their own problems and if what they do irks us that's just too bad. We have our own lives to live too. Make sure your granddaughter knows what interesting things you do with your time and when the time is right, she'll take an interest in you, knowing you've been there all the time.
Yours, Great Granny

The positive reinforcement is right, but when you say you are treating them "like our own" it tells me that you do not really consider them to be your own. "Like our own" is not enough. They ARE your own children; that's what adoption means. When you took them into your family, you knew they were "beautiful" but apparently you were not aware that they may have had personality problems.

You are telling me what they sense. Do you also know that they probably sense that they will never live up to your memory of your "birth kids?" That's a hard standard to have in front of them all the time. I'm sure that, along with the early abuse they sense, they also sense your disappointment in them.

You are on the right track with reinforcing their good deeds, but perhaps you could also spend more time right now doing things with them. Show them by example how decent people can get along, staying close to them, listening to what they have to say, continuing with the positive reinforcement, and never, never once mentioning your first two children.

Nothing I can tell you about how to raise perfect children will guarantee results; it's each parent for himself these days when there are so many outside influences to deal with, and counteract. Our children are trusted to us for such a short time. If we can help them learn my three Rs (Respect for others, how to Reason, and a sense of Responsibility) we'll have done a lot

And our greatest task seems to be to protect them from harm; and that's not so easy these days. Many families have recalcitrant children to cope with. I think if you stop considering yours as some sort of imposters, and take them to your hearts as real members of your very special family, you'll find it less of a chore, more of a soluble problem, even a joy.

I'm not making light of your dilemma; it will take special strength and I believe you have what it takes.
Yours, Granny

But that's no longer in the cards. You don't just live his life, you live your own as well, and if you truly believe that having children will fulfil your life, then have them.

Of course, if the having of children is more important to you than keeping your husband, there's no problem is there? But supposing he gets jealous of your attention to them, or a family impedes him in his career, or they make him nervous, cause him undue stress, remind him of things he'd rather forget, or whatever - suppose all that drives him to become less the man you married and more another person you may not like very much. Then you may have to make another choice.

I wish you and he had made this decision before you got married, but saying that is no help now. So what you could do is find out just excatly why he doesn't want children. Also examine your own motives in wanting them. I hope it isn't because you want to own other people, because believe me, you do not own your children.

Talk it all out with your husband. If you want my input, all I have to say is that I have loved all my children so much and they have each in an entirely different way brought such joy to my and my husband's lives, that I cannot imagine a life without them. We didn't sit down and decide whether we would or wouldn't - it was just a natural sequel to getting married. They have caused us more worry, pain, grief, sorrow, agony - you name it - than we would have experienced without children, but none of that adds up to a hill of beans as compared with the joy, pride, happiness, excitement, pleasure amd contentment which continues to grow.

Our children were baby boomers. Their children are the X generation. And on and on it goes. Through them, we will live forever. Speak to your husband about all this. But if it's going to ruin his life, enjoy your nieces and nephews, and the kids next door.
Yours, Great Granny

If living with the inlaws is temporary, it might be worth putting up with now. If it seems like a permanent arrangement, you will never be the queen of your own castle and will have to consider taking your children and leaving. Think hard about this, though. Single parenting is no picnic. It would be better to set up a schedule with your husband, listing what you must sacrifice now to afford your own home later, and stick to your plan. Put it on a calendar and refer to it from time to time. Arrange to be alone with your husband - set dates with him - to discuss the plan and dream a bit about being on your own.

Another matter that is paramount in all this is what your husband must be going through. He has to do his job every day, and since you are hard up I guess it's not the most rewarding job in the world. Then he has to come home to a place where his mother and his wife (the two most important women in his life) are obviously not getting along. If you could swallow a lot of pride and make a heroic effort to appease your mother-in-law, you would be contributing a great deal towards your husband's peace of mind.

The results of this effort would become apparent almost immediately. Even though you don't agree with her ideas of raising children, you must admit that she did raise the man you married, so she can't be all that wrong.

I am not saying she is right, and that you are wrong, I'm just saying that as long as you are living in her house I would be very proud of you if you could compromise wherever possible just to get along with her.

Some day you will be a mother-in-law. I wonder if you will remember all this. Meanwhile, try to be the best daughter-in-law possible. There are not many women who can be as hospitable as to have their sons' wives living with them. It is very hard for her. Try to appreciate. Love her.

As for them seeming to ignore you, well they have a lot to learn about common courtesy, but I guess you will not be the person to teach them. I think they are on the defensive because they sense your disapproval. Perhaps if you could put on a happy face and be agreeable and fit in with their established way of doing things, they would accept you more easily.

Your poor husband is walking a tightrope. Be understanding. Be sympathetic. Be helpful. Love him.

Yours truly, GG
(PS I would love to hear from your husband, and his mother. There are some great ways they could help you in this difficult situation.)

As for your parents, I'm sorry you hate your father. There's no way you will ever be able to understand why your mother is trying to keep him but please just trust that she knows what she is doing, for herself. If it requires you to go out or your way to be decent to a person you say you hate, well, just bite your lip and help your mother. You don't hate her.

Taking sides in somebody else's affairs is dangerous and gets you nowhere. And I hope you won't hate your father forever. You are part of him. Your children will be his grandchildren. Your mother is his wife.

So - three things to do - study for your exams, forget the ex-boyfriend, stop hating and stop worrying about your parents because there's nothing you can do about them. I could ask you to try understanding them, but that might be too difficult because no matter how much you think you know and how much they tell you about the situation, you will never know it all, never. In time you might gain some insights, as your own life unrolls, but just now, it's dangerous, deep, shark-infested water - so don't dive into it.

As for crying yourself to sleep; that's OK. Lots of people do. There's nothing as therapeudic as crying tears into the pillow. If you didn't have that outlet maybe you'd explode. People who cry are the lucky ones. It's those poor souls who keep everything in and let it simmer until they suffer real stress symptoms that we have to worry about.

Writing the letter to me was a great idea too. I'm proud of you. Let me know how the exams went, when they are over.
Truly yours, GGD

Don't groan and moan about it; rejoice because you have not been hurt in an accident; and think of what you can do with the money you will be saving. The highways and city streets are not as safe as they used to be; every time you get behind the wheel could be your last.

I know that if you are involved in an accident, no matter whose fault it is they are likely to blame you because you are old. That's just something we old people have to recognize. It's awful, but it's a fact.

Teenagers suffer the same discrimination when it comes to pinning the blame for an accident. If the driver is young, he or she doesn't stand a chance. They'll all say it was his fault, because he was young. The same applies to us, because we are old. But that's not the point.

The point is, nobody wants you to end up in a hospital with a broken back. Nobody wants you to be involved in an accident. Everybody who loves you would be just thrilled if you would stop driving.

Now, Bill, you can hate me for telling you all this, but I don't hate you. That's why I'm telling you all this.
Truly yours, GGD

Maybe someone at school has been giving her something that really doesn't agree with her. I'd check on that if I were you. Also I'd talk with her teacher to see if your child is as unhappy at school as she is at home.

There's a good possibility that the pressure of trying to do the right thing at school has caused stress in your child. Stress could certainly make her unhappy at home and cause the tantrums. You could keep her home every second day for a while and see if that would help. Her teacher might not understand, and talk about the work she is missing, but when you explain your reasons, she will cooperate to help you bring your daughter back to her usual happy frame of mind..

And while she is at home, don't expect her to do anything but play and relax. If you play a little game with her, each of you using hand-puppets and pretending to be children at school, you might get a clue if there's a problem at school from what she makes her child-puppet and her teacher-puppet say.

I wouldn't rule out the possibility that your child may be sick. If there's a health clinic in your neighbourhood, or if you have a family doctor, it might be a good idea to have her checked. It could be eye strain. She might have difficulty hearing. We could go on and write a whole book about the possibilities, but the main idea is that I think you should take action now, before whatever is ailing your child gets any worse.

As you read my suggestions I know some other ideas will come to you. We would all love to know how things turn out.
Yours truly, GGD

But take a good look at these two-salary homes and notice that after the day's work is done, man and women return to the house, and who gets the meal, who sits down to read the paper, who does the laundry, who watches television? I'm just asking; it's YOUR paper.

By male parenting roles, I guess you're wondering if being a father today carries more responsibility than it used to when you would expect the mother to be home all day, looking after the children. Well that would depend entirely on the individual. Some women these days expect their children's father to spend a lot of time with the children.

This could be fun for both the father and the children but it doesn't necessarily mean he is a better father than the one who, in the olden days, would spend all his energies working at his profession or trade to provide the essentials of life for his family.

While the mother would be providing a safe, clean and healthful environment in the home for the family, the father would be setting an example for them that would never be forgotten. From their father, though he had little time to play with them, the children would learn the value of work and achievement, lessons that would last a lifetime.

Nowadays, children whose fathers work too hard, call them workaholics. See what you think about all the above and use your own conclusions for your school paper.

As for the second topic - adolescents in the WW2 era had little choice of roles. In their teens the boys were in the services, training to do things they would never have dreamed of doing a few years before. And with no time to think it over they were suddenly marching through Italy, or landing in France, or flying over Germany, or sailing the north Atlantic - in every case holding a gun of some sort, and in every case prepared to kill some other adolescents they would never see.

And the adolescent girls were either in the forces with the boys, or were waiting, waiting, waiting for a seemingly endless war to end. It will be hard for anyone in your English class to imagine the feeling. Even the teacher will only have to guess how it was, or read about it in a book. Whatever difficult times we may ever endure that require unusual patience, waiting for a war to end must be the most difficult. For many people of that era, adolescence just didn't really happen, in the way we see it happening to young people these days. The term just wasn't used.

Send us your paper when you have it ready. We'd all like to read it.

Yours truly, GGD

In his quest to help you then, you can be sure there were times when he was totally frustrated, and would have easily just stayed away. And even if he did, that does not mean that you should leave him to his own devices at this point in his life.

Your upbeat attitude is not lost on him. Keep accentuating the positive and bringing whatever brightness into his life you can. If he continues to complain, please understand that he needs to do this. He wouldn't keep it up if it didn't give him some satisfaction. It's too bad that he has to derive his pleasure in such a way, but don't deprive him of that.

Stick it out as long as you can on each visit, and then leave on a high note with promise of returning soon. Don't argue with him. If he maintains that everything is terrible, you don't have to agree with him but for goodness sake don't disagree either. Just change the subject to something that you hope he can't find fault with. When you have finally exhausted all avenues, tell him to have a lovely evening and leave.

The main thing is not to feel sorry for yourself because of how hard it is to cope with your father. Think of the dirty diapers he changed for you and the nights he worried when you came in late, and the dreadful hours he suffered when you were sick or hurt or things didn't go great for you. Love him now when he needs you, as he has loved you when you needed him. Think of yourself at his age, and wonder how your children will manage to keep the lines of communication open.

Just because you have asked for advice on this, means you care a great deal about your father. I know you'll provide him with the family connection he really needs now, as long as you forget your own comfort for the moment and concentrate only on his.

These thingw we must do are not easy. Who ever promised us they would be? And, by the way, I know exactly what you are going through, I have been in your shoes.

Truly yours, Great Granny

From my own experience, which has been supported by the experience of many others with whom I've discussed this, if you're going to make any mistakes in the early childhood guidance of any of your children, it will most likely be with the first. After all, what experience have you to draw on? Maybe you can remember how your parents handled you as a youngster and you'll either try to emulate them, or perhaps you'll fall over backwards trying to be the exact opposite of what you consider to have been all wrong. Either way, you'll have to make your own mistakes and by the time you have more children, you'll eventually get it right; maybe.

But that isn't much in the way of useful advice.

Seeing your elder son often is great, and you're doing that. And he's agreeing to be with you, and that is great. So let's build on the good things here. Lots of parents don't see their kids at all, especially if there's a computer involved. You're fortunate. Know that. But more important, so is he. When he needs you, you will be there and easily accessible.

Your son is intense. Great. He's at university - also great. And furthermore he is interested in telling you about his courses and about his computer - that is just wonderful. Lots of kids can't share these interests with their parents, or wouldn't bother because they think the old folks wouldn't understand. He's fortunate.

He's depressed, you say. So? We live in depressing times. Few of the people I know of any age don't get depressed, if they let themselves be. I think you are one of the lucky parents because your son shares his feelings with you, even to the extent of letting you in on his depressions.

I'll bet he has a fascinating life out there in cyberspace - every day there are new web sites coming online and you can enter worlds of adventure - lots of it is useless crap but most of it is astoundingly exciting. Next time you are sharing a pizza, tell him about some of the new places you've been on the Internet, and ask him if he's found some you might enjoy exploring. Maybe it's too late for you two to catch up on the cuddling you missed when he was a baby, but there are still lines of thrilling communication you can open. But do it in his domain.

Also, if you toss him a line by email from time to time, you'll get back into his life on his terms. Just a few words - a new URL you've discovered, or an invitation to supper or a computer trade show - whatever. You say he has no interest in anything in your life. Well, that will change, I promise. He just has to mature a bit to realize that the things you do are worthwhile. At 23 he's still pretty well wrapped up in himself and that could go on until he's well over 30.

No you haven't lost your son. He is very much there and he needs you, even if he doesn't tell you that. He probably doesn't even know it himself.

One more little thing. In all your efforts to gain a better relation with number one son, don't let it spoil what you have with number two son. It would be a terrible mistake to talk disparagingly about the older one, with the younger one. Don't dwell on how difficult it has been to get through to his older brother. Don't even discuss it with him. Whenever you mention the older boy, do it cheerfully, talking only about what he is achieving at university, things he has discovered on the net, what fun it was to have supper with him last week, what new equipment he is using with hit computer. And, conversely, when you discuss the younger son, with the older one, don't rave and rant about how wonderful and outgoing and popular he is. Try to maintain a balanced view of them both. They are totally different; don't expect anything else.

I think you have a difficult task there, but because it concerns you so deeply, you will be up to it as long as you don't expect miracles.

Sure you were hoping for a brilliant one-liner to solve your problem and here I've gone on and on too long. But it's a very widespread situation and deserves a lot of careful consideration. You didn't mention if there is another parent, or adult, involved here, but if so, you will have to depend on total cooperation from them as well. Let them read this.

Good luck, GG