Granny's Advice

Dear Granny,

I have two sons, age 23 and 19. The younger one is a wonderful friend to me, as well as being a son. He has always been a relaxed and easy-going sort of person, with good friends, an optimistic disposition, and lots of interests. My other son break s my heart. He has always been intense, and often he has been depressed. Even when he was a baby he didn't like to cuddle. He never wanted to tell me anything that happened at school or wherever he went. In high school he had a terrible time getting a long socially - he just didn't make friends - and even now he has few friends. His only interest in life seems to be his computer. Now he is 23 and he never phones me. When I phone him I usually get the answering machine, or else his line is busy becau se he is on the Internet. If I send him e-mail he doesn't reply. Occasionally I am able to reach him on the phone and I offer to take him out for dinner. He always accepts but I think it is for the free food. It is very hard to talk to him as there ar e few things in his life he wants to tell me about and he has no interest in anything in my life. I can get him talking about his computer and his university computer courses, and about what kind of pizza we should order, and that is about it. I am sadd er than I can tell you, that it feels as if he is not my son, as if I have lost my son. On the evidence I can't feel as if there is any hope that he will ever change. What do you think? Do you have any suggestions as to how I might be able to build som e kind of warm relationship with him?

Dear Heart-broken,

No two people are alike, and that even applies within a family. Even twins have each their own personality and cannot ever be assumed to have the same reactions to the same set of circmustances.

Some babies love to cuddle. Others are more content just lyhing in their cribs watching their fingers making patterns in their "sky". I can't tell you which kind of a baby will turn out to be a Beethoven, an Einstein, or one of us ordinary citizens. But one thing I can tell you for certain is that you must not assume responsibility for these preferences of your children, and you can not ever expect any two of them to be alike.

            More from Granny to Dear Heart-broken . . .

Dear G.G,

I have an 87 year-old father who is borderline senile and quite demanding. In my quest to help him I find myself continually frustrated and wanting to just stay away. I try to understand that he is older and in pretty bad shape, yet I love him. Is there any solution to my predicament? I try to be an upbeat person and it is extremely difficult being around someone who just complains all the time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Dear Thanks,

If your father is exhibiting the characteristics of old age, he is senile; not surprising at 87. Senility is not a disease, it is a stage in life's journey. You, too, will be senile, if you should live long enough. Coping with senility, or old age, takes understanding and adjusting on the part of the person going through it as well as the people around him who love him.

Other of life's stages include infancy, childhood, and adolescence, none of which you will ever watch your father experience, but all of which he has seen you through, and that took understanding and adjusting on his part.

            More from Granny to Dear Thanks . . .

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Dear Great Granny,

Our son's wife has denied us, my husband and I, access to our two year old granddaughter claiming that our influence is dangerously harmful to her development. In truth, we maybe see them twice a month. We live here in Quebec and they reside in Ontario. I believe that she is jealous of our good relationship with our son and tries to severe all other ties to his past including eliminating all his friends! She herself has difficulties forming and keeping lasting friendships. Also her relationship with her family resembles that of an emotional rollercoaster, many times of an abusive nature. We want very much to obtain visiting rights to our lovely granddaughter, but how can we go about this?

Thank you for your answer and understanding in this difficult matter.
Truly concerned on the West Island, Montreal

Dear Truly Concerned,

You truly have much to be concerned about; and there are many more people involved in this than just you and your lovely granddaughter. Keeping close with her is important, and this can be done in several ways. You can send her cards and letters and books from time to time so she always knows she has loving and caring grandparents. No matter what else happens, regular correspondence will maintain the link. When she is old enough to make decisions on her own, she will not be a stranger.

Your daughter-in-law is a troubled person. Her marriage may be on shaky grounds as well. You can't take sides between her and your son and unless she is breaking the law you would have difficulty taking her to court to gain access to your granddaughter, but you might approach a social worker for advice. . .

            More from Granny to Dear Truly Concerned . . .

Dear Granny;

After losing two children, we were fortunate to adopt two beautiful children, ages 7 & 9. We were not aware of any problems that were very serious when we adopted them. However the girl will lie at the drop of a dime and sneaks around when she does something she's not supposed to.

The little boy pulls all kinds of things when our backs are turned. By this I mean, being so agressive that parents call and ask him not to come back, the bus driver reports him, the cub scout teacher says he is too active to work with. He and his sister have on more than one occasion kicked their friends in the privates! I am at a loss for what to do. It sounds hysterical to type it out like this, but this is for real! We tried positive reinforcement, giving attention when they were good, incorporating them into our family like our own. They are really treated like our own birth children. It has been two years. We have tried making them write 100 times, I will not....whatveer it was they did. We tried including them in our everyday taskes around the home.

We took them everywhere we went. The family (extended) has been great! We tried making them sit in a chair for a time out. We tried sending them to their rooms. We finally gave them a paddling with the wooden spoon (something the caseworker they had said never to do.) I have had it! At least with the paddling they stopped for awhile! I need some advice; don't say send them to a psychologist; they have been to many.

They think it is a joke. We have tried to find out if they are upset about something and they aren't. They love it here. They have a history of abuse. But they sense that because of of that they can be excused from behaving like they are supposed to, like they have an excuse or something. We don't let them get away with it. I need some good old-fashioned advice on getting your kids to behave like they are supposed to and quit lying. Our birth kids didn't act like this; they were great...we could trust them anywhere!
Frustrated Mom!

Dear Frustrated,

I am reading into your words a story of two young children who have a history of abuse and have not adjusted into your mode of living, even though you are trying your very best to help them do so.

Your letter reveals several disturbing facts. The loss of your first two children has, naturally, left you devastated. While they were with you, they neither lied, nor sneaked around, nor were they a cause of complaint from neighbours, teachers and others. In fact, you remember them as well behaved and as you say, great. This is not surprising.

Your second two children are not carbon copies of the first two, but they are nevertheless your children. You have adopted them. They are members of your family. In your efforts to teach them acceptable behaviour, you say "We tried positive reinforcement, giving attention when they were good, incorporating them into our family like our own."

            More from Granny to Dear Frustrated Mom . .

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Dear Great-Granny,

Maybe you are the page I am looking for. My husband and I are trying to decide whether or not to have children. I am leaning towards, and he against the idea. I realize that no one can decide for each of us, or for the two of us together. What can you tell me are the reasons to have or to have not.
Thanks., childless so far.

Dear childless, so far,

Let's talk about it.

Oh my how much easier things were when we were young. We got married and had children and that was that. Now you have to make choices. Since you have no children it is probably because you really do not consider children to be an integral part of your marriage, and your life.

If everything is just great the way it is, why upset things with a whole new lifestyle? If your husband doesn't want children, why would you? Or has that also changed. When we got married, in the olden days, we made a promise which was tantamount to living our husbands' lives. I know that is going to raise all sorts of feminist emotions. People are going to say Great Granny is off the wall, antediluvian, and worse, and shouldn't be allowed to give advice to people in the almost 21st century. But this isn't advice, it's just a comment. We did, in those days, adjust our thinking to the fulfilment of our husbands' needs and ambitions.

            More from Granny to Dear Childless So Far . . .

Hello, Great Granny!

I seen your web page on Netscape & I really need some advise, my husband & I live with his mother & we have a 3 month old baby boy & I just found out I'm pregnant again & well what's happening is, when I'm home with my baby boy & my husband's mom, I alway's get exnored & if my husband is home she still exnored me & just talk's to her son & she continue's to tell me how to raise my son & I'm really getting stressed out & I have no idea what to do since I'm not a person that like's to argu or any thing, it's really hard for me to sit down & tell her nicely to knock it off, but I don't know what to do, I keep telling my husband we need to move into our own place & get away from her & he just say's we can't because were really tight with money right now & that's why were living with her, but I'm afraid this is going to end up splitting us up because we've already started arguing all the time & we use to never argu before we moved in with her, Can You Please Help.
Thank You!, Anonomis, Naperville, IL

Dear Anon from Naperville,

Choices in life are seldom easy. I like the old-timer's advice, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

Not an idle proposal; what it means really is that when serious choices present themselves it's a good idea to make one, not sit around hoping things will get better, because usually they just get worse.

Decisions, decisions! Make them on some firm facts. Make a plan to accommodate everyone concerned, and don't forget to factor in your own needs and aspirations, and those of your child, and the baby on the way.

Also think of the long term, and determine whether the unpleasantness and discomfort of the moment are worth suffering for the happiness and great family life that may be in store for you all within a few years.

            More from Granny to Dear Anon from Naperville . . .

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Dear Great Granny,

I have been having problems with my parents and my boyfriend. My parents are having major arguments because my mom recently found out that my dad was having an affair. I hate my dad so much but my mom says we have to be extra nice to him to win him back.

I cry in my bed all night long, not knowing what I should do next. I'm also in the middle of my exams so I feel a lot of pressure. Besides all this, my boyfriend and I just broke up recently. I feel really depressed because I usually tell him all my problems but now that he's gone, I have no one. Please help me.
Depressed in Hong Kong

Dear Depressed,

You ask me for help, but you are going to do it all yourself.

Here's a game plan; see if it works for you. Your boyfriend has gone. OK, so that's not a problem. It may have been a problem but if you have broken up, that's that. You now have no shoulder to cry on but some day soon another person will come along with whom you can confide. Count on it.

Concentrate on your exams and do whatever it takes to get through them. You owe it to yourself to do your own best. Maybe you aren't going to win any achievement awards but just be sure you don't do less than your best. In this whole world, the person who can do the most for you, is you. So do it.

            More from Granny to Dear Depressed . . .

Granny

I was talking to estranged husband we have only been seperated for 3 months and i talked to him the other day and he tells me that he and his girlfriend (who he moved in with only week after we seperated) that as soon as our divorce goes through ( whi ch still has not been started) he and her will be married. I can't honestly belive that the two never had any contact before the seperation can I?

Dear Ex-spouse,

Neither can I, but so what?

You've obviously decided to split, so why don't you just do that? Not only physicaly, but also emotionally.

If it bothers you that he was probably straying from you before the separation,that tells me you are still involved with him. If you still love him, you probably want to fight for him, but that could be ugly. Who needs ugly in their life?

Once you've made up your mind, move on. Don't let whatever he once may or may not have done spoil your life. And try not to spoil his.

What I have to say about that is this:
"When you come to the fork in the road,take it."
Truly yours, GGD

Dear Granny

My car insurance was cancelled because I was involved in an accident (1995) where another driver ran a red light and hit my car. I was involved in another car accident in 1993 where I lost control on ice and hit another car (That was my fault). I have no speeding tickets and have been a careful driver. I am being victimized because I am a senior War vet and Handicaped. I have all my limbs and can move around independently, I live and take careof myself.

Someone please let me know if I am being unfairly treated, because I really can not afford togo to another Ins. company. Insurance would go from $400 to $900/yr.
Bill

Dear Bill,

Your nearest and dearest friends will never tell you what I'm going to tell you, but they probably would, if they could. I have done some calculating and find that it costs more to run a car than it would to use taxis, buses, trains and friends to get places. So having your own car is not financially sound.

But it's nice to have your own wheels. I know that, and I'm not looking forward to a time when I must give up my own. But perhaps in your case the time has come to live without your own car. Think of it as a life saving decision. And think of it in a positive way.

            More from Granny to Dear Bill . . .

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Dear Granny,

I'm having problems with my little girl. Until today, she was a very happy child. A couple of weeks ago she started school and now a days she is just miserable. She cries, she has tantrums and most of all she just does not listen to either me or her babysitter.HELP!!!
Sandra

Dear Sandra,

Let's take the symptoms one by one.

Since her trouble persists whether she is with you or with the babysitter, you can't assume that it's something YOU are doing wrong.

She had been going to school for a couple of weeks with, I assume, no problems, so you can't be sure it has anything to do with school.

But it is possible that her misery and crying may be caused by something like a stomach ache, or even a headache, either of which could be the result of eating something different from her usual diet.

            More from Granny to Dear Sandra . . .

Dear GGD,

My Mom is 64 and my Dad is ten years older and forgets things. Mom thinks he has Alzheimers but is afraid to mention it to him; she just tells me about it. Well, I'm only 33 and I also forget things. What I'm wondering is if there's any simple way to know if Dad is really sick, or is it just normal forgetfulness?
Anxious in Ontario

Dear Anxious,

A doctor might be a better judge, but if everyone who forgets stuff were to be diagnosed with Alzheimers disease, we'd all have it for sure.

A couple of indicators might help though. For instance, if he forgets details, but not entire events, chances are he's normal. If he forgets entire events, recent events that is, and even later when reminded, still can't remember them, you might begin to check for other symptoms.

Forgetting details, and then remembering them later, are signs of nothing.

One way of distinguishing between normal memory loss and the kind of memory loss that occurs in early Alzheimer disease is that the normal person usually knows what day it is, and what time it is, whereas the sick person gradually becomes so disorientated that he doesn't know these things. Also a normal person recognized people and places, whereas the sick person gradually loses the ability to recognize these things.

Also, a person suffering from Alzheimers disease eventually can't follow directions whereas the normal person is able to follow both spoken and written directions.

If you're still concerned about your Dad, you should seek medical advice but if it's just a matter of forgetting details, I wouldn't worry. We're all in the same boat. Now let's see, where did I put my glasses?
Yours truly, GGD

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Dear Granny,

My english class is doing a paper comparing gender-roles from the past to gender roles of today. I would appreciate it if you could give me some information on two subjects: male parenting roles and adolescent roles of the WW II era.

Eternally Grateful

My Dear Eternally,

What challenging topics you have chosen!

Those of us who can remember the great to do that was heard about a few fathers who would actually help with the dishes, or change a baby's diaper, enjoy a good laugh now when we see how men take on more and more responsibilities in the home. Of course, at the same time, we see women changing tires and shoveling snow, a task that used to be strictly for the men. Personally, I'd rather do the dishes and change the baby.

While gender roles in the home were leveling out, the same was happening in the work place. Woman's place is no longer necessarily in the home. In fact, with the cost of raising a family getting higher and higher, it takes two salaries to make ends meet in many cases so we find a lot of women working for wages outside the home.

            More from Granny to Dear Eternally Grateful . . .

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Dear GGD,

I'm caught in the middle. My children, all grownup, left home years ago but seem to be drifting back and needing not only my attention but a lot of support (moral and even financial) and my parents, both m y own and also one in-law, also depend on us for help of various sorts.

In fact, my mother-in-law has moved in with us. And now it seems like one of our grandchildren wants to do the same. Where's the peace and quiet and happy retirement we've been pro missing ourselves?

Swamped, in Saskatoon

Dear Swamped,

Sorry guys, but nobody ever promised you any happy anything. There's no guarantee in this life, except the one guarantee that it's gonna get more and more complicated.

In the same way that you managed with children when they were young, now you have to manage with them again. And as for your parents, well consider the alternatives and I know you'll opt for taking them in and making their "golden" years as great for them as possible.

However, now would be the right time to have some long heart to heart chats with the whole family. Don't be afraid to tell them exactly what you would like to do in YOUR retirement years and then make a plan for that to happen.

With all those people involved, they should find some comp romises that include you too. And if not - if your own children and your own parents can not enter into some mutually acceptable living arrangements, I'd suggest that you just go on a long trip and let them work things out without you.

Maybe that sounds cruel - maybe you just haven't the heart to do that - but if you aren't there they'd have to rely on themselves and eachother and it might be the only way to wake them up. You don't have to be everybody's slave. But there's another way to look at the s ituation. Aren't you fortunate to be surrounded by family; lots of people have none.

Yours in a crowd, Great Granny

Dear Great Granny Dickson,

I just came upon this infospace. My father had his computer on and when he stood up, I sat down to see what he had been reading here. Maybe your idea is for people to ask you about probl ems with the younger generation, but my problem is with the old folks.

My parents are in their seventies, well, Dad is actually 80, and they had saved money "for their retirement". But they continue to skimp and save as though they were going to live forever and the price of everything was going to increase. It bothers us that our parents live like paupers.

They can afford a car but they use the bus, or more often they walk great distances. They could travel the world but they don't go anywhere. They never buy new clothes. They don't buy books or newspapers but spend hours at the library. They seem to have no social life - they have a computer (that we gave them) and all their friends are imaginary. How can we shake these people out of their dream world and help them "have a life"?

Sincerely yours,
Worried in Alberta

My dear Worried,

Stop worrying. Your parents have everything. They have "a life" that is more dear to them than anything they could derive fro m new clothes, buying books, travel, or trying to drive a car in today's traffic. I can't believe that you are worried about them. They read together, they walk together, they love each other after probably fifty or more years of marriage. You should be so lucky at their age - or at any age!

If there's a problem there, I think it's you. Their cyberpals on the Internet are not imaginary. They are real people, just like your parents and you. If that's their social life, it's fine. They don't have to fix food for eachother, or dress up and visit, they have the luxury of friendship without demands.

Only bit of advice for you now is that when one of them is eventually left alone, someone will have to be extremely understanding of that person's real needs . Not what you might think he or she should want, but what they really do want. You can't impute your standards onto anyone else, not even the parents you love.

Meanwhile, rejoice in their wonderful lifestyle and forget that it's not what you would want for yourself. It's what they want for themselves. Let them live their life, and you live yours. Just be ready when they ever do need your help or advice. Obviously you're already doing a lot for them, as they have no doubt done for you. You gave them that computer. What a marvellous gift. That's enough, for now.

GGD

Hello Great-Granny,

I am in a quandary re: trying to help a stressed out child who has full time work, little children and non-co mmunicative spouse. Hear little but the worries and stresses and rarely see a happy face on this child. Yet, when I (gently) suggested perhaps a re-prioritizing of life and life style, was instantly told it was the choice of child and they didn't want to change...

How does one cope with this? Have kept quiet for 4 years without criticising or suggesting anything, but of course family sense things! Sometimes the wrong conclusions are drawn also.

Ouch!

Dear Ouch!

This "child" is, I presume, a grown man or woman who still depends on you as a recourse in times of trouble. Else, why would he continue to show his unhappy face when you are around and report only the worries and stresses to you. Surely, in his (or her) life there are happy moments, but you are not told about them.

Just because your gentle suggestions seem to fall on deaf ears, don't be so sure. He hears you. Some day, when he suddenly thinks of a wonderful way to lessen the stress on his life, you will be surprised to find his solution is the one he heard from you - but of course you won't mention that - and he'll be pleased that he thought of a good way to improve his life.

Meanwhile, your child is living th rough some of the trials of adulthood, just as you have done. You have to trust that he'll manage. You did. And if (when) he makes a sudden change, your own concern for him will serve you well because chances are your help will be needed in one form or another.

As for family sensing things - so what? That's the role of families. If they draw the wrong conclusions - that's normal too. You might draw them together some day, not including the problem child, and discuss his problems just to get it aired out. And if I were you I'd advise them all to leave him alone and treat him and his own little family as though nothing was wrong. Maybe someday nothing will be wrong. Then it would be nice if no unpleasant incidents could be remembered to mar his new-found peace of mind.

The hardest thing is to let the children work through their own problems. It's murder and it kills us. But the best thing we have to offer them, and THEIR children, is our unconditional love, respect, and moral support. Is n't that what grandparents are all about?

Yours, Great-Granny

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Dear GG,

My disgusting daughter in law has left my son and taken both their children to Vancouver where she is living with another man. Nobody told me about this until it was done and she was gone. How can I get th ose kids away from her and back with us where they belong?

Really angry Albertan

Dear Really,

The reality of the situation is that there is nothing you can do to get custody of your grandchildren. Your son could go to court and try to get custody or access or visitation rights, but grandparents' rights in these case s are not in the law books yet.

It might encourage you to know that the Parliament of Canada is studying a bill which might make this possible. Meanwhile, try not to promote your feelings towards the mother of your grandchildren. You may find her to b e "disgusting" but it will be harmful to their self esteem to know you feel that way.

Keep a stiff upper lip. We can't run the childrens' lives. We just have to stand there and be ready to catch them when they fall - no matter how old they are.

Yours, GGD

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