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- Dear Great Granny.
-
I am having a difficult time and I don't know why. I just had an argument with my boyfriend over a smart comment I thought he was passing but he says I took it up wrong and now I suppose I did take it up wrong, it was a little thing
but I went mad. I argued with him until he went crazy and there was no need to carry it on as long as I did. I threw things on the floor, I lost my temper, I tend to do that often and I hate myself for it but I don't know how to control it. I hear a lot that childhood has a lot to do with how you are today and I can't remember a lot about mine, just the usual stuff that a lot of families go through.
My boyfriend is 42 yrs and I'm 25 yrs old. I sometimes feel like I'm going out of my mind, out sex life is going downhill and we're together only 1 yr and 8 mts. I do love him and he loves me but he is tiring of me because I seem to be going crazy. I am a very insecure person and I don't know why. Can you tell me why? I have no confidence and I believe I am stupid but I don't want to be this way. My boyfriend is very loving and caring and I'm not, I can be very cold sometimes, there is no in between with me I'm either all over him or I don't want him near me, I get very
embarrassed easily also.
I hope you can understand me from what I've described and maybe help me. Just for to maybe help you understand things better my Father used to beat up my Mother and he sexually abused my 2 sisters but I have a good relationship with him. It's like I only talk to him about the weather and little things like that, he is shy and so am I so we are very
alike. My mother and he have separate bedrooms and don't get on very well. I love my mother and love my father but in different ways.
Is there something wrong with me? Please write back.
Worried.
- Dear Worried,
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Yes, childhood experiences do have an effect on our behaviour as we grow up, but now that you're an adult it's time to come to terms with those influences.
You can't go on through life blaming every thing you do wrong on your parents. That's just a cop-out. You are the only one who is responsible for what you do today, and if you can't control yourself when you are with certain people, try staying away from them for a while.
Probably a time-out with your boyfriend would benefit you both. Apologize to him for having lost your cool over that last episode and then stay away for a while and pull yourself together.
Don't ruminate about your childhood. We all had childhoods, and of course our parents and everyone else made mistakes. When you become a parent you'll discover how impossible it is to do everything the right way. If your father messed up, that's terrible. Everyone suffers, especially the perpetrator. He was sick and may have done permanent damage to his children, let alone his wife.
You can go on through life taking refuge in his sickness or you can stand on your own feet as a responsible adult who knows right from wrong. You can teach yourself not to get riled up at things that don't really matter. You can pause, take a long look at issues, and make yourself understand both sides of every disagreement, and then resist the temptation to leap into the fray.
You can become the kind of person with whom your boyfriend will feel comfortable because he knows you will be relied on to stay calm through everything.
When you're sure you've conquered this need to argue and upset everyone around you, then come back to him and prove you've finally grown up.
Having a terrible temper isn't all bad. I believe that great things are never achieved without passion. But I guess there's a limit to the temper. Save it for when it's really needed.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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