Older children
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Children who take advantage.
Unruly 14 Year Old Daughter.
Son and DIL rejecting our company.
Daughter seems to resent my efforts.
Son wore gym shoes to uncle's funeral.
My son's mother in law is taking him over.
Adult children still think we have favourites.
Only child wants to be a good parent.
Son leaving home for first time.
Daughter's internet boy friend.
Only child is a difficult 14 year old!
My problem is a very mouthy 12 year old boy.
Daughter leading double, self-destructive life.
One son is wonderful, other son breaks my heart.
Stressed child has work, children and silent spouse.
Our grown children think we should be contributing to their income.
Stepdaughter, who is "Trouble" wants to move back with us.
My son won't get out of bed in the morning - he's always late for school.
My daughter's grades are falling. What can I do?
What can I do to stop my son from smoking "pot"?
My two daughters fight all the time. What can I do?
Our son won't spend enough time for us to get to know our grandson.
My daughter is a single Mom. Am I an "enabler" for her?
I want to give my son another chance, but can't decide what is best.
19 year old son won't socialize.
My children don't take me seriously.
Catholic daughter married to Jewish husband.
My daughter wants nothing to do with her parents. What can we do?
How can I not worry about my 18 year old daughter's problems?
My daughter's whole life is her husband and HIS family.
Our daughter is having an affair with a married man. What can we do?
My in laws have a destructive influence on my son.
My older children don't like my new husband. What can I do?
My son has told me that he blames me for "ruining his young life"
19 year old single daughter has 2 kids and expecting another. I want her out.
14 year old sons threaten to leave if I move in with my boy friend.
Our son pays no rent and buys no food for baby or himself.
My 17 year old daughter wants a car and I can't afford it. Help!
My 22 yr old son contributes nothing, won't get a job, and won't leave home. Help!
My daughter is a family trouble maker. She lies and generally "stirs" it.
My son and his girlfriend are uncontrollable. Any advice?
My son is always getting into trouble. What can I do?
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- Dear Great Granny.
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Thank you for all your help in the past. Once again I am turning to you. I had written you in the past regarding my 17 year old son. He had lived with his father and then in a youth correctional facility and finally came back home to live with us. I had several concerns pertaining to his homecoming and took your suggestions on dealing with certain situations.
I must first praise some of the positives in his life since he has been home. He works part-time at my work place.
He has since attempted to find full-time work or another part-time job. He attended High school for the first 3 weeks of the school but couldn't get himself into his classes most of the time and therefore was asked to leave by the principal. There are other educational options for him in our city but so far he fails to take the initiative.
He has a court imposed curfew and frequently breaks it. Naturally, I have no objections when he is working beyond midnight but when he is not working I do. Some folks would lock the door if curfew was broken but we live semi-rural and he would have no where else to sleep. He told me once that he was going to sleep at his friends house because it was further out in the country so that night I locked the door and he slept in the metal shed in our back yard. I found out later that he actually had intentions of sleeping at his girlfriends house without the knowledge of her parents and was caught by her mother and tossed out into the cold.
Since then his girlfriend has caused more trouble, running away and not calling her parents for days on end. I once caught her sleeping in my son's bedroom and knowing that she was classified as a runaway at the time I called her parents who told me to call the police which I did.
My son was furious and I explained to him that it was disrespecting me and the rest of the family. He said that his girlfriend was thrown out of her home and didn't run away therefore he thought I would have been more sympathetic. Which if it were the case I probably would have been. The girls mother called me daily and I had asked her if there
was anyway we could all get together with these two kids and get to know one another and then maybe all the sneaking would stop but the mother said that the father would hear nothing of it and didn't want anything to do with the idea. I told her mother that it was too bad because I believed that would drive the girl away even more, and it did.
The girlfriend has since moved in with her grandparents who obviously have a curfew for her and do lock the door if she doesn't comply. I recently found her on the couch in my son's room again and was told she had no where else to
go because she broke curfew.
What am I supposed to do. I don't want to be on the outs with my son all the time. I had told my son that I would
be prepared to accept their relationship so long as they conducted themselves in a normal non-sneaky fashion. They still sneak. I felt I was making real headway with our relationship until this girl came on the scene. I have told him that they started off with a sneaky start and now no one trusts them. He agreed and broke up with her but has
since bowed to her tears and pleas to take her back.
I am willing to give her a chance as his girlfriend but they must gain my trust. Drugs have been an issue with the pair of them. The girl had promised to stop doing drugs even smoking cigarettes if he would take her back. I do not
discuss a lot of the problems with my husband because there is a lot of tension between my son and my husband and my husband would just take on more of a negative attitude towards my son.
I have told my son that if he does not attend an educational facility somewhere before the month end that he will have to pay 50.00 a month rent. He seems to think that along with that 50.00 rent he would have complete freedom to come
and go as he pleases and to have whoever he likes stay over in his room. I totally disagree. I do not want to kick him out of the house because I fear he would turn to a life of crime again.
I do not ask a lot of this kid. He gets up when he feels like it, eats whatever there is to eat, takes really long showers, gets driven too and from work by myself and is never asked to do chores. I do his laundry too.
I need some advice that we can all live with. Is there such advice?
Thank you.
- Dear friend
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Looks to me as if you just have to keep right on being a good mother to this boy as long as it takes for him to become a man. Or, you can give in and pass him over to some law system - back to correctional school or maybe even jail.
His behaviour has already put a strain on your marriage and I guess he intends to go right on doing as he pleases with no concern for you. That's the way small children act and some day possibly he will come to realize that there is another way to behave.
As for his girlfriend, your plan to come to some arrangement with her mother is excellent. If they refuse to even talk with you, there's nothing you can do for her except just let nature take its course.
When she turns up in your house, treat her as you would any other guest. Don't make a scene, don't "lay down the law", just ask her if she'd like breakfast and go on from there.
When she becomes pregnant you'll have her there permanently and unless you want to become one of those terrible mothers-in-law that I get so many hate letters about you may as well plan to befriend her.
If, indeed, all this is ruining your marriage you had better make a choice soon. Your husband will be with you, hopefully, for many years. Your son is destined to leave home within a few years and no matter how well you treat him now, and no matter how much you love him despite all the trouble, he will go on to lead the life he chooses. You can not count on him to provide companionship in your golden years.
If I could make one suggestion it would be to NOT charge him rent, and continue to insist that he attend some sort of school, even if it's just an evening class in garden management or whatever. And, by the way, that's not such a bad idea. Everyone needs yard work done from season to season and if your boy would do a good job for one or two neighbours he could build a lucrative business for himself. I've see it done - all it takes is punctuality, hard work and honesty. He could do it with his girl friend and first thing you know they would be proud of themselves, instead of skulking around hopping from one curfew to the next.
What you need most is patience. You've shown a lot already, just keep the faith. Give him house rules that include NOT sneaking around but walking in and out proudly. Keep hoping he'll help with chores and one of these days he might surprise you. Meanwhile, don't keep at him all the time. Pretend he is a nice person and he is more likely to be one.
If none of the above is helpful, I'm sorry. If helping him stay out of prison isn't enough incentive you could always give up and let him fend for himself. Telling him you love him might not be enough to convince him that he really is worthy. You might have to demonstrate it by trying to see things from his perspective at every possible moment.
Your task with this boy is much harder than most parents face, but you can do it, I feel sure. Whatever caused him to stray from the lawful life we all expect of our children must somehow be overcome and since you are his mother perhaps you are the only person who can help him overcome it.
Good luck,
GG
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