I am the Mother of a 5 year old son. He is my parents only Grandchild. My husband and I are going through divorce. He has never liked my parents, and has continuously criticized the amount of time I allow my son to visit with them. They live 2 blocks away from me.
We tried to get back together 6 times in the last 5 years. He insisted that my son only be allowed to see my parents once a week.
My parents are firmly against divorce. I met with them to explain that I can not live with this man and that I am sorry but it is in the best interest of my son as well.
My parents have not spoken to me in over a month. I am going to counselling, and the psychologist tells me that I should find a time to explain to my child that my parents and I had an important disagreement. Even though he
has not asked about them. Which is odd considering how much contact he had.
Additionally, my sons Father has taken him to see my parents without me knowing about it. I am crying right now. I know it is wrong for my soon to be ex to do that. It is also hypocritical, given his feelings towards my folks. I think it is confusing for my son as well.
What should I do?
Thanks
"Confused"
So many people are involved in your dilemma, and it would be impossible for you to please them all, yourself, your son, your parents, your husband, and a psychologist, even if you were able to take complete control.
Try to think in terms of an end result.
Since your letter started with yourself, and then introduced your son, I guess he is high on your list of importance but
apparently where he goes and what he does is largely up to your husband. For the child's peace of mind I hope you aren't turning his life into a battleground for the rest of you. If your husband takes him to see your parents, so be it. Let them enjoy each other and let your son's comings and goings be disassociated from the animosity you feel towards your husband, and from whatever disagreement you've had with your parents.
The child has hard times ahead of him, no matter what you do, so start now to leave him out of your disagreements.
You have thought your husband had a problem with your parents but maybe that's improving. Or maybe he's now looking to them for moral support in the legal battles that you might be moving towards. Whatever his motives are, they are probably aimed at what he considers to be the eventual welfare of his child.
The only complaint about your husband that you mentioned in your letter was that he doesn't want his child to visit your parents as much as he does, because you say he doesn't like them. When the little boy becomes involved in school and friends, he'll have less time for his grandparents anyway, so I hope you will help them find other interesting ways to express their enjoyment of children. Centering their lives on their one and only grandchild is not a good idea from anyone's point of view.
As you have tried six times already to get your marriage back together I suspect that your differences aren't irreconcilable. You both obviously want to solve them. Also it seems to me that both of you would be better off if you could make it work; and the world knows it would be better for your son.
You have sought the advice of a psychologist who wants you to talk to your son about a difference of opinion with your
parents. I wonder what would be the value of such a discussion? Ask your psychiatrist to elaborate for you. Or, is it possible that you have misinterpreted his advice?
As you have described the whole picture, each person is moving along his own course. Your husband has a plan in mind. Try to see it from his point of view and help him. Your son may be running over to his grandparents to get away from the quarrelling at home. Your parents may be quite satisfied to have their grandson once a week instead of every day. Your psychiatrist will feel good if you talk it over with your son.
I guess the only person who really doesn't know what she wants is you. Maybe you could get out of the whirlpool and let it spin without you for a while. Just watch all those others and don't try to influence them one way or the other. Move along from day to day, doing the things that must be done to keep the family fed and clean and feeling good, in the way you have been doing for all the past five turbulent years.
You've been fighting ever since that child was born so his life hasn't been exactly a bed of roses. Children know when their parents don't get along and he's been in that situation all his life. Try to remove yourself from the battle and set up a routine for peaceful co-existence with your husband.
I think that you might be suffering from some condition that a doctor could help. If you have a family doctor, or if there is a clinic nearby, I believe you should go and ask them to tell you how to improve your health. Then follow their advice and while you are getting better let your husband make family decisions. If everything isn't going the way you would have it, consider it as part of your cure.
In the end you will be back to feeling good and you will have learned to get along with things, even if they aren't always done your way. Crying and getting angry, and even getting a divorce, will not solve the largest problems in your life. You need to be stronger in many ways, not the least of which is having the strength to recognize the need for co-operation in your marriage.
Some situations in life can't be solved by stubbornly insisting on getting one's own way. Most problems are solved through compromise. In your case I think the end result for all concerned will be best if you can stand off for a while and let others take the lead.
Your little boy is surrounded by people who care a great deal for him. He's OK. It's you I'm worried about. You feel alienated from your parents and your husband, but I suspect your feelings are wrong. If you stop fighting them you might be surprised to find that they all love you too.
It would be nice to think that every problem can be solved but we know they can't. So if in the end you and your husband go through with this divorce plan, then you'll have to rely on lawyers to decide the future or your child. If you want to keep him in your life, you should seriously consider getting to a doctor for your own health, now, so you can face whatever comes next in good health.
Truly yours,
GG
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