Granny's Advice

By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
Some of the questions sent to Great Granny have been sorted into the following general categories and are listed below, with her answers:

Daughter in law

Angry rude daughter in law.

Daughter in law seems to Hate me - won't talk.

Daughter in law suddenly refuses to visit.

I have a daughter in law from Hell!

Daughter-in-law refuses to let us see our only grandson.

Daughter in law left with my son's children.

Daughter in law tries to keep me from my granddaughter.

Cold shoulder from Daughter in law.

"I'm sick of being treated this way, but I love my grandson."

How can I get my daughter in law to include us in their family?

Daughter-in-law takes no interest in household duties. Should I speak to her?

How should a DIL/SIL address their inlaws? "Mom & Dad" or by name?

The girl my son is marrying does not want any of our family at the wedding.

DIL "turned us off" when the babies were born.

My DIL and my son don't spend time with us since our granddaughter was born.

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Dear Great Granny.

Hello - My only child a son and his wife just had triplets (girls) We were with her through her pregnancy, but when the babies were born, it was just like she turned us off. We bought her many things that they are going to need, paid their house payment twice. She nor my son called to let of know that the first baby was coming home. She called me at work after she and the baby got home. Of course I had some words with my son regarding this. And, his answer was, Mom, I'm really busy and I can't call you every time something happens with the kids.

So, when the 2nd baby was ready to come home, they let us know. They knew that we wanted to video tape all of the babies coming home. The kicker was: I called daughter in law at work just to see how she was doing. Her boss told me, Tammy is bring the 3rd baby home today, she called me last night at home to let me know, didn't she call and let you know? I said, No, the boss said . . . oh.

Can you imagine how I felt and embarrssed I was?? Well, my son gave me the same answer, I can't call you every time something happens. Daughter in law still has not spoke to me and we have not been down to see all of the kids since all 3 babies have been home.

I'm VERY HURT and I refuse to call their house, cause they look at the caller ID to see if they want to answer the phone.

Any help for me.
thank you.

Dear embarrassed,

I wish you would find some other interests to occupy yourself with so that you wouldn't need to be involved with your son's family all the time.

When they have themselves organized with this sudden new large family I'm sure they'll invite you over for a visit. Then you can take your videos and enjoy yourself while this young couple tells you their adventures.

Having a baby is a big thing and having triplets is really big. The changes in their routine and in everything they do from now on are hard to imagine, but whatever happens it is their life, not yours.

Expecting them to tell you everything that happens will only alienate you from them, so let them instigate any visits. Let them tell you what they want to tell, whenever they want to tell you.

I believe you are making a huge mistake by getting yourself angry at them for not letting you in on everything.

You are being good to your son and his wife. You have bought things for them and helped with the house payments. I hope these things were done out of your love for them and not as some sort of a deal in trade for them keeping you posted about all their personal affairs. Since you say you have "had words" with your son already about his wife not telling you her plans, that means you have already alerted them that you are unhappy. That's too bad.

The best relationship you could have with your son and his wife and your grandchildren would require you to be a happy person. Scolding them because you couldn't take a picture of their baby's first day home was a big mistake.

Use your video camera for things that YOU are doing. Don't try to live the children's life. You raised your son intelligently and now he is capable of taking care of his own family, so you should now be looking seriously into other outlets for your energies.

One more suggestion. If you feel it necessary to see videos of those babies at special times, hand the camera to your son or his wife and let them take them and make you a copy.

I get letters all the time from people who ruin their lives by becoming totally involved with other people's children. Don't let this happen to you.

Yours sincerely,
GG


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