Hi, I hope you can shed some light to my problem because I can't see
clear anymore. I have a two year old son. MY first and only and my
motherinlaws(mil) first grandchild. Her and I have had a pretty good
relationship except that she is always trying to tell my how I should
look and think. She thinks I should aways wear makeup, have curly hair,
dress from the best shops etc. My husband and I have been married for 10
yrs and I always kept all of this that she has done bottled up and just
went along with her to keep the peace(maybe our relationship isn't that
great, come to think of it) now that I have a son I decided it was high
time I stopped living for others and really lived how I felt.
So now
the problem is she wants to bond with her grandson.....which I think is
right. I want them to have a good realtionship but she wants to dictate
how it will be. she wants him 3 or more times a week....by
herself...says it doesn't count when I come over with him and she wants
him to start spending the night with her for a weekend.. My husband and
I are not ready for him to spend the night with anyone yet. Just not
comfortable with that. We agreed that she would watch him every friday
night while we went out on a date. From about 4 - 8 o'clock. But when
we come to pick him up she always says oh he could go down here, why
don't you guys stay. or I wish he could spend the night. It wouldn't be
so bad if she didn't say this all the time. She is welcome to come to
our house and see him but when she does she never plays with him just
ends up talking to us and then complaining she doesn't get to see him.
On fridays most of the time they take him out to dinner with them and
friends or have friends over for dinner and then complain they hardly
got to play with him. Whose fault is that????
I try to go over at least once a week and vist for about 2-3hrs and when
I get ready to leave she says leaving already, let him nap here and you
stay and visit. She goes on and on about it. I feel like i've visited
long enough...why do I want to spend all day and plus my son will nap
fine at home and I have things to do. This happens everytime I go over.
I dread phone calls...she calls everyday to see what I'm doing if I
don't have plans she wants me to come over. Just how much time does she
need with him. She doens't want to follow our rules...thinks we are
crazy and then cries when she doesn't get her way. I want her to have a
great relationship with my son but I don't like her whinning when I say
no or needing an explanation. At what age should he spend the night????
Isn't her coming to my house once a week, me going over once a week and
her getting him one evening a week enough??? She said her 2 sons went
to their grandmas everyday while she played and now she expects me to do
the same. I wish he wasn't her only grandcild. If I had more kids
maybe I'd send one over everyday, but right now she is driving me nuts.
I don't know if I've made any sense in this letter or not. I hope you
can see what is happening. She also trys guilt trips. Ex. telling me my
friends let her watch their kids and can't believe she NEVER gets to see
her grandson(NEVER< where does she come up with that??) Then telling us
we willhave a son who will run away from us because we make all his
decisions for him.......he is only 2 what decisions should he be
making???? She compares us to her friends who get their grandchildren
everyday or at least 3 times a week....mind you these friends have more
than one grandchild and they only have the children because the mom
works. How do I handle her and still keep a great relationship between
her and my son. My husband thinks his mom is annoying and doesnt' take
us serious with what we say and just wants what she wants.
Okay enough said I think. Please help. thank you.
Yes, I agree, that's enough. You say your mother in law is driving you nuts. Well, I think you're doing it yourself The baby is YOUR son and it is up to you to look after him exactly as you feel is best for him. If you think he is in danger over at your
mother in law's house, keep him home. If you are not afraid he will catch some terrible disease, or suffer malnutrition, or would be in danger of physical harm over there, then by all means let him visit his grandmother whenever you can. It's not going t
o estrange him from you and it will make your mother in law's life so much nicer.
She raised that wonderful man you plan to spend your life with. Thank her by letting her enjoy the company of his son. If she really is whining and crying, as you say, then maybe she isn't well. See if your husband can look into this - it could be somethi
ng fairly simple but a doctor should examine her to be sure. She might be lonely, or going through a difficult stage in her life.
Maybe she doesn't actually enjoy playing with him, but only wants to be able to tell her friends about her wonderful grandchild. That's OK. It's not a crime. Some grandmothers are like thet. They like to brag about their connection with the grandchildren.
All this talk about "bonding" is a conception they have read about somewhere and they think it's modern or something. All it means is that they like to get to know the grandchildren. In your case there is only one - thus far - so she has to take out all
her grandmotherly instincts on your one little son. Just let it be.
I'm sure you don't feal threatened or afraid of leaving him with her. After all you are using her free baby-sitting service for your Friday night "dates" - why not let him sleep over, if that's what will make her happy.
As for her telling you how to dress and what to do, that's nothing new. Mothers and mothers-in-law will be doing that forever; it's part of the job description. Wait a few years and you'll understand it better.. Just thank her for her advice, think about
it a bit because it might be useful, and then carry on as you wish. Aren't you fortunate that your husband is agreeable - at least this situation is not driving a wedge in your marriage. The best of all possible worlds for your son would be for him to ha
ve a totally comfortable feeling wherever he is. If you allow your worries about his grandmother to escalate, he will sense your discomfort and that means trouble.
The problem with children is that if any of their adult relatives do not agree, or argue about anything, the child always thinks it is somehow his fault and he is always uneasy about it. That's the worse sort of guilt trip, and it's up to you to prevent
it. It can ruin his childhood. Growing up through all those early years is hard enough without adding the stress of family squabbles.
Do your best to put up with your mother in law's needs and set aside any sneaking jealousy you might find creeping in. He is YOUR son. But you can let others enjoy his company. And there will be others:: teachers, coaches, chums, girls - and then women.
You can't possess him forever - just keep him well until he's old enough to take care of himself. As for now, take the pressure off by allowing him to hang out with his granny from time to time.
Happy New Year!
Yours sincerely,
GG
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