My son and his new bride just got married in September. They are currently
living with her parents because they haven't enough money to get a place of
their own. In the beginning they had goals to have a place of their own.
Now they have decided to live with her parents indefinately. My son works
long hours and she stays home and cleans her mothers house. They are both 23
years old.
The problem is her mother! It is my opinion that this woman does not want to
let go of her daughter. It is also my opinion that she is jealous over any
time that the young couple spends with us.
Whenever we say that we are going to plan an event in which the couple are
coming (be it holiday get togethers or what have you), she decides that she is
also going to have an event the same time and calls and invites us to her
event. We of course refuse because of our own plans. She in turn usually
cancels her event for lack of interest or whatever.
She is also monopolizing the holidays. My son now has plans to spend the
upcoming holidays w/ her family. He already spent Thanksgiving with them.
When I had inlaws, we alternated each holiday with each side of the family.
It's like my son has lost his spunk to request that he wants to spend time
with his family for fear of an argument, tantrum or what have you. The
daughter does throw tantrums (like a little kid) when she does not get her
way.
The new dilema is that her parents say they are going to buy a bed and
breakfast in another state and have my son and their daughter along with the
rest of their family run the place. (To keep the family together they say)
In the beginning before the wedding, my son had plans of his own to go to
school and become a chef. Now since the wedding and the influence of her
parents he does not even express his likes or dislikes about the situation or
about school. He is so much in love that he goes along for the ride to do
anything that she wants to do. He lets her do all the talking and does not
even talk about his own plans anymore.
This whole situation has caused a strained relationship and a few blowups on
my part between us, my son and his wife. It has also made it easier for her
mother to manipulate them.
I have tried several times to make peace with my daughter in law, but she is
now refusing to even come to our house at all. Of course my son is going
along with all this and we are now not even hearing from him or seeing him.
My son complains that I do not go to his place to visit them. I do not feel
like I want to spend time with her mother when I am going to visit my son and
his wife. Therefore I do not visit!
There is alot more to this situation, but I feel I need an outsiders opinion
to see if I am just being one of those horrible Mother In Laws that they write
jokes about or are my concerns founded.
Any input you may have would be helpful.
Sincerely,
"Stressed out"
I don't think you are just one more of those mothers in law that they make jokes about. I have your letter before me here and I can see that you are seriously troubled, but try to let the situation ride for a while and I strongly believe that things will
improve. Your situation is classic. When young people get married they typically do not consider the ramifications. It's hard, when you're in love, to sort out in your mind all the consequences to both families. I tell people that when they marry a person
, they are really marrying a family, but of course nobody takes that seriously.
Now, it would seem, you think you are married to your daughter in law's mother. But in fact you're not. You can go and visit your son any time you wish, even if you also have to abide with having his mother in law around at the same time. Just put up with
her - she's probably not a bad sort really. And if she wants to keep her family together and run a family business, it seems like a good idea, particularly since your son wants to be a chef. Where better than in a bed and breakfast establishment!
Every mother's greatest wish for her children is that they will have a happy and useful life. Your son has found a lady with whom he is very much in love. That is a blessing. I hope for all your sakes that they can stay in that blissful happiness - a rare
situation these days. And if they have children, I hope they will all maintain a good, close relationship with all the grandparents, including you of course.
It bothers me that you have experienced "a few blowups". Perhaps you can make a New Year's Resolution to never allow any more blowups, over your differences of opinion with the other inlaws, or over anything else. If I were in the business of giving advi
ce, instead of just chatting about people's problems, I would probably advise you to get involved in some interesting activities that have nothing at all to do with your son. You have devoted a huge segment of your life to him and now you could well cons
ider that job complete. He's off on his own. Now's the time for you go tet off on your own as well. There's lots more in life than raising children and you'd be surprised at how rewarding other activities can be.
No, I'm not trying to belittle your problems. They are real, and I know that. But since there is nothing in the world you can do about changing other people, you just have to resort to what you can do, and that is to change yourself.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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