We have read some of your replies with great interest, are quite
appreciative of your wisdom. So here is the family situation which we
have not been able to resolve.
Our middle child of 25years old has decided to terminate relationship
with
all of us. We are the family of two of us and daughter and two sons.
Though we tried our utmost to treat all the three equally, they have
always
felt that we favoured one child over other. If the relationship with
one
was great then the others were upset. We tried everything under the sun
to
resolve problems with him and his wife but we are at the dead end now,
since he has shut all the doors of reconciliation. He is very angry
with
us for all the crimes we have committed against him while raising him
with
absolute dedication. Our crime was to take interest in his life when he
was
young. To support him when he wanted to try something and try to be
strict
with him when he did not care to study. He wasted all his school years
though he was a genius and very smart in our opinion, as well as the
teachers. A child capable of getting A++, he barely managed to scrap
through the school system. We thought we were putting him on the right
track by taking interest in his life and it all backfired. After he
left
home, got married to the girl of his choice, carved out life for
himself,
we met him when he wanted, otherwise we pretty well left them on their
own.
We are not interefering parents or the In-Laws. We believed in devoting
our
life to them when they need us the most and once they get their wings,
be
available to them when they would need us.Our children are 23, 25 and
27.
We have extremely high tolerence ratio but everything seems to have gone
wrong with our son. Our desire to have simple relationship with no
expectation on our part has also not worked. We do not understand the
reasons for such intense hate and anger. We never disciplined our
children
the way our parents did in 50's and 60's. We never abused them at any
time. We never enforced extreme strictness but how could we be wrong in
taking interest in them when they are at a vulnerable age? We never hit
back verbally our elders, but we have been the victims of all kind of
profanities and hateful hit backs all our life. We never lied to them
but
we have been lied to till today. We have never disrespected our elders
but
we are still fighting for that simple right which we believe every
caring
parents should get.
Can you tell us what is wrong with this picture? Is there any solution
to
this situation? Is there any chance of at least a civil relationship. We
never even cry about our problems in front of our children. We always
keep
the smiling face. In fact we consider life as a gift of God and do not
feel unhappy over money or health situations. ( We have had our share
of
financial and health misfortunes) Should we throw in the towels or do
anything at all? We feel dishartened that we do not have the expertise
of
parenting. ( We never questioned our parents expertise either)
It shouldn't surprise us that we all fall short of being perfect
parents. After all, where would we get sufficient training for this
task? Maybe our parents seemed to be near perfect, and possibly some of
them were, for their time. But to follow their example at this time in
history would just not suit the needs of our own families.
So where do we learn to be good parents, today? I used to think that
highschools should include "parenting" in their curricula, and in fact
some do just that, but they can only be taught by people whose source
material is from a different generation. The fact of the matter is that
the job description for parents undergoes constant change, even from one
child to another. My own children span 16 years and we had to deal with
each of them entirely differently. The world changes, and so must we.
Your children are closer of an age, but each of them is a completely new
and unique individual. If they can't understand why you needed to use
different methods with each of them, they are not the geniuses you
believe them to be. Sibling rivalry is natural, but they should grow out
of it as they mature and take on their own responsibilities as adults.
What they should do, and what they actually do, though, may be far
apart. Yours, and particularly this problem son, choose to dwell on all
the mistakes you have made in bringing them up. They will eventually
change their tune. When they become the parents of teenagers, their eyes
will be opened to what you've been going through, and they will love and
respect you in a whole new way.
Your son who has distanced himself from you will also come around one of
these days. Your best position right now would be to get on with your
own interesting lives, without contacting him except for the obligatory
Christmas cards and possible invitation to family affairs, when the
other children will be around. But don't phone him, write him, or in any
other way impose yourselves on his life at this time. Let him get
himself organized without parents, and don't even contact his wife.
If he does everything wrong, in spite of your good advice, you might as
well save your breath. You've done your level best to persuade him how
to live right. Your job is over. Now it's up to him to take on the
direction of his life. Don't think you've failed. You can't assume that
everything that children do wrong is the fault of their parents. It just
isn't so. Don't stay awake nights worrying about having done everything
wrong and wishing you could relive those years again. Every single
parent on earth could be doing the same thing, no matter how brilliant,
beautiful, rich and famous their children may be. Nobody has the perfect
formula for raising happy and useful children who will leave this planet
better than they found it. We all try, and some of us even write books
about "how to" do it (no, not me, I'll never presume to have the
answers) but words don't change the fact that there is no perfect
formula. What helps one child, fails the next; what one parent can
achieve is impossible for another.
So there you are - caught in what could be an impossible situation if
you let it destroy your sanity. But you don't need to. Just pretend
your wayward son has moved to another planet and find your enjoyment
elsewhere. You have NOT let him down. He is just temporarily blind to
the beauty of a good family relationship between generations. He'll find
out, and when he comes back to you, please don't make a "prodigal son"
case of it. Just greet him as though he'd only been away for an
afternoon.
Think it over. It's not the end of the world. Just a stage he's going
through. You need eachother more than ever now, but as you've struggled
through health and financial problems before, you can lick this one too.
Yours sincerely,
Great Granny
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