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Return to Granny's Query index Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
I have just read your response to "Grandmother wants to "bond" with
baby". Did I understand it right? Did you say the mother should let the
grandmother have all of the "alone time" that she requests, and to be
greatful for it? I'm sure you are a lovely caring person, but not all
grandmothers are this way. The mother will be miserable, the grandmother
will feel that she is in charge of everyone, and the husband will
continue to be neglectful of his wife's emotional needs.
No, I don't have a degree as you do. I do have a mother in law similar
to the writer's, and I do have a 7 month old baby. Lucky for me, my
husband beleives that his mother will eventually realize that she can
not be the center of attention all of the time if we do not say "yes" to
every request of hers to see the baby. We are lovingly trying to show
her what 'our' limits are, although comprimises have been made for her
in some cases. "We' are the parents. If she had her way, she would come
over every day. She (unknowingly , I beleive) seems to twist reality
when she comes over. It's almost as if my husband is 'her' husband, and
the baby is 'her' baby. She wants to be called "Mama Carol", not
grandma. She doesn't think I feed her son right, as she often says "if
you need to cook, don't let me get in your way" (when I am in the middle
of a different unrelated task). And although she raised 2 chldren, it
would not be safe to leave our baby with her. She just doesn't think of
things. She was sure that she had to soak her bottom in a tub of lysol
when she gave birth. I couldn't seem to convince her that it was 'not'
lysol.
Anyway, I just wanted to see what you thought of 'my' thoughts.
- Dear lady with Mother-in-law problems,
-
Your situation is different, as all are. There are no two the same.
Whether or not you have a "degree" has nothing to do with your ability
to solve your problems. You're doing great.
I'm sorry that you can't get along with your husband's mother, but if
you do find a way to accomplish this, I assure you that you will NOT be
miserable, your baby's grandmother will NOT necessarily feel that she is
in charge of everyone but just a respected member of the family, and
your husband will NOT need to be neglectful of his wife's emotional
needs unless it is his nature to be so, in which case he will eventually
grow up, most do.
Getting along with family members in all generations does not have to
lead to chaos; it can be a wonderful experience and in the long run
everyone benefits. No matter how difficult it may seem, you will have
many more happy tomorrows if you can resolve your differences today.
Everybody can't be the center of all attention - and if you feel that's
essential to your own wellbeing, perhaps you could rethink your need,
and your mother-in-law's need.
Everybody twists reality - think that through. As for the Lysol, I know
exactly what she means - just let it go, who cares? As for what I think
of "your thoughts" - well they are entirely as valid as mine. The
important matter here is that you are giving the situation a lot of
thought which can only result in the problem becoming less onerous.
Time will heal the whole dilemma anyway. Babies are a big attraction,
especially to some grandparents, but when the children grow older they
will have interests of their own and whether or not that includes visits
with grandma, that's up to them.
Be patient. Keep discussing your feelings with both your husband and
your mother-in-law. Also let her explain hers, and listen. You're on the
right track and I greatly appreciate your input.
Truly yours,
Great Granny
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