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Return to Granny's Query index Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
I am a 62 year old grandmother. My only son lives in Ohio. I get to
visit him and his family maybe once a year in July. This year I was invited
to go for Thanksgiving lunch. My son and I were born in Laredo, Texas--and
I am of full Mexican ancestry--my son is only half. We do not go around
waving our zarapes. As a matter of fact, we consider ourselves just
Americans who speak Spanish. My son has a doctorate from a London school,
and I am still working as a teacher. I am divorced, my other two children,
daughters, live somewhere else.
When I go visit my son and his family, his wife--a "white" girl from New
Jersey always manages to verbally attack me. One time she told me that she
would like to have me as her maid. Another time when I thought that she had
forgotten her purse, I told her about it before we left her house. Her
comment was, " I don't need my purse, I married George so that he can support me." Another time when my son paid
off one of my accounts, and gave me some money for the first time in his
life, she said that he was our "sugar daddy". Many other unnecessary
comments come from her. Her animosity towards me almost radiates out of
her. I am never able to say anything to her because my son once told me
that he didn't have an exactly happy marriage, but he would never get a
divorce. I stay out of their lives except for that annual visit. My real
interest are the children. I want to have a good relationship with them. I
can't seem to get past her, though.
I gave my five year old son a telephone # for him to call me every now
and then. He never has. He is gifted and he can read and write, and he
goes to a special school. The two year old is adorable, and young. At
Thanksgiving time my 5 year old started to say he disliked the Mexican food
that I was cooking for my son, and for dinner. He kept the remarks going,
but I was under strict instruction not to engage him in conversation. Then,
he starts to say that he is "all-American, and nothing else. By this time,
we are ready to eat. He continues saying things about "Mexicans". He keeps
it up until he finally blurts out slowly and hatefully,
"I-----hate-----Mexicans!" "I------hate------Mexicans!"
I finally couldn't take it anymore, so I responded to him, "Well, love,
you must hate me then because I'm all Mexican. Your daddy is half, and you
are one-fourth." My son got up and took the boy to time out. My
daughter-in-law got furious with me and started her usual verbal abuse
towards me telling me that I was insensitive, that he's only a child and
that I should behave better than that, etc. I told her, "How would you like
it if the situation was reversed, and he said to your mother who comes here
often that he doesn't like white people?"
This same child has made statements to my son like, "Daddy, your
ancestors must be from Africa because you are so black." My son's retort
was , "No, son, my ancestors are from Mexico, and so are yours."
We do not look any different that the average mixed ancestry American on
the street. We have nice olive skin, and dark hair. We're okay, I think.
Why is this child treating me so shabbily, and making remarks about our
coloring, our food, our ancestry. That girl knew who she was marrying. She
claims that she is ethnic oriented, but I'm just wondering if my son had
been just a poor peasant instead of a wealthy professional man, would she
have married him. They lead a very wealthy existence, and they have the
best of everything, even though both my son and the woman come from middle
class income backgrounds. I'm contemplating never going to visit them
again. I have tried sending gifts, calling periodically, visiting once a
year, writing stories for the boy, taping stories for him, sending
pictures---yet, when I go there, I notice that my son's family pictures are
not displayed anywhere and her family is everywhere. The other
grandmother's stories and tapes are on every night, and well, what else can
I say? What happened to this boy?
- Dear Mexicali Granny,
-
You ask what happened to this boy. Well, if it's your son you mean, what
happened is that he just happened to be trapped into marriage by a
racist. She's in the majority in this world today. No matter how
multi-racial or inter-racial or whatever, people like to call
themselves, the fact remains that human beings around this planet are
extremely racist. By this I mean that the majority of people, as far as
I can understand, consider that whatever race they belong to is superior
to any other and they express this belief in thousands of ways, from
simple nastiness to genocide.
If your question is about your grandson, well, what has happened to him
is that within his own home, and possibly also among his school friends,
the so-called "white" race (from New Jersey?) has been considered
superior, and to be Mexican is to be hated - so naturally he is trying
to separate himself from anything Mexican. Your daughter-in law is
totally to blame for not making her children feel at home in the family
to which they were born. She is being juvenile, mean, totally
inconsiderate, and giving daily expression to a fact that your son
probably knows but is afraid to admit - ie - that she does not love him
- just the position in life she derives from being his wife. It's tragic
because when they split up, the children will suffer no matter who
"takes" them.
Ths split may never become a legal divorce - but I can't imagine your
son, an intelligent person (I wonder if he was at LSE when one of my
sons was there) with a proud Mexican heritage, putting up with that sort
of ignorant bigotry in his own home forever. Because of the children,
he's probably just holding on until they are old enough to be proud of
what they are. Meanwhile, he's walking a tightrope. I hope his career
gives him lots of satisfaction. His homelife must be a waking nightmare.
The incidents you described, with his wife, (will you be my maid - I
don't need my purse - sugar daddy - etc...) do not seem so terrible when
taken one by one. If any of them had been just one singular case I'd
have said, forget it and put it down to her poor upbringing. You didn't
mention what kind of a family she comes from, but obviously they are
lacking in common courtesy and all the good things that make the nice
polite Americans of all hues I meet every time I visit the US..
Inter-racial marriage is a tremendous challenge, as you, yourself, have
discovered. Maybe your son and his wife can make it successful, but it
seems from what you have written that it's a one-sided effort. In the
end they will have to work it out themselves and the more you stay
involved the harder it will be on you. If you are not in touch with your
daughters, and these two little grandchildren are all you feel you have
left in this world, I guess it's time for you to reach out in other
directions for companionship. Find people in our generation to socialize
with - you'll be amazed how often their problems are the very same as
yours. You'll even be able to share and have a laugh or two about
matters that make you really want to cry. We all have so many problems
in common - and if we talk them out among friends, they tend to diminish
in proportion to other concerns of our daily life. Really!
Since visits with your son and his wife are so devastating, just don't
go. Have some other occasion on your agenda that day. Join whatever club
or seniors group there is in your town - even serving Christmas dinner
to homeless people in some soup kitchen would be preferable to being
told by your grandson that he hates Mexicans. Don't put up with any more
of that. Find people close to you to be close with. At school you
probably have contact with plenty of good people who are not weighed
down by racial bigotry.
You don't have to forget your grandchildren forever. Just wait it out.
When they get a bit older they will want to know you, if they are worth
knowing themselves. Sending them books and tapes about their heritage is
a great idea, but send them to your son, so he can show them to the
children himself. Send him little zarapes for the children! And never
lose contact with him - write brief letters, often, about the things you
are doing that are interesting. One day he'll turn up at your door in
Texas, with the children, for a visit.
In other words, please get a life of your own organized while you are
still young and strong and full of fun. Learn to laugh at your
daughter-in-law's ignorance, or forget about her altogether. Find people
you enjoy being with, especially at holidays. Do your Mexican cooking
for people who really love it. I wish you were here!!!
Yours very truly,
Great Granny
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