I am a 25 year old divorced single parent. My son is
7. I met someone 2 years ago. We have been seeing each other for 1 year
now. We became best friends first. He lives in Virginia. I live in PA. He
went to college here in PA. I live down the street from my parents.
The problem is my mother. She is too controlling. She babysits while I work
F.T. I really do appreciate all that she does for me. Anything that I do is
not good enough for her. All my life. She is always telling me what to do
w/my son. She does not like my boyfriend. I don't know why. She barely
knows him and doesn't want to. Everyone else likes him.
We have talked about getting married. My dad only knows. He supports me 100%. My mom
also treats him the same way as she treats me (my brother-15yrsold also) I
have a sister-22 who can do no wrong in her eyes. They all live at home.
Everytime I talk to her she always puts me down. Why? Is she afraid that I
won't visit when we get married. I will. My boyfriend is all for family
togetherness. He is very close to his family. They live in NY. I also get
along great w/his family. They also accept my son.
Is my mother jealous? My dad says that she is. That she wants to keep me to herself, but we don't get along. My dad's advice is to say nothing to her when she starts. To
tell her last minute when the time come for us to get married. She already
warned me that she won't accept us. He is great w/ my son & I. He has an
excellant job. Never is verbally or physically abusive. He wasn't raised that
way. He was raised as a very generous, kind person. He is not a typical
male pig. Like most are these days. I thanked his mom for raising him
right. What can I do to handle my mom? My dad has helped alot so far on
calming her. Please help. I am other wise very happy w/my life. My son is
terrific. He also asks my why grandma yells and all. He does understand
what is going on. One minute my mom is ok the next forget it. Thank you.
You are worried about your mother, and so am I. I am also worried about you.
If you are asking for quick advice, it would be to marry the man you have found to be such a wonderful person and of whom your father approves. Your mother might be unhappy about it and she might not even want to take part in the wedding, but if everyone
else in the family is pleasant to her throughout, she will eventually accept the situation. After the wedding you will immediately visit her, soon and often, so she will not be cut off from either you or her grandson
But there is more to this entire situation than you may realize. In your letter to me you have said that your boy friend "never is verbally or physically abusive" and is not "a typical male pig ... like most are these days." This tells more about you th
an about your boy friend.
Since your experience has been with the "abusive pig" type of men, are you sure that you are not falling for this current boy friend just because he was raised to be polite? Also, is it possible that your mother, who has been looking after your son full
time while you work outside the home, is not actually as disapproving of you as you imagine. Three children in any family are bound to think that their parents love the others more than them - it's classic sibling rivalry, not at all unusual. If I were to
talk with your sister or brother, I'll bet each of them would think they were not getting the same attention as you are.
It is possible that your mother is going through some psychological troubles which need patience, love and understanding from the rest of the family. I hope that when you get your own personal problem solved you will have time to find out from her how you
can help her. You are an adult now and fully capable of at least trying to comprehend what lies beneath her fears.
Take your father's advice. I think he means it with love towards both you and your mother. He wants you not to argue with her because he knows this only makes things worse. You are in for some difficult times in planning this marriage - but be absolutely
sure it is real love, not just any port in a storm! Then, if you are sure - you have it in your power to make it into a wonderful family - just don't exclude your mother, no matter how angry she, and you, are now.
Your father's greatest wish is going to be for you all to get along. It's up to you.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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