Granny's Advice

During the drinking years after leaving them I chose not to contact them because I was still drinking. After I'd sobered up my wife had remarried, still being self centered I thought they would be better without me entering in an out of their lives.

Now I'm 64 years old and retired and think I should try and make some again at starting a relationship of some kind just don't know how. I thought about sending my son and snail mail with my email address as I spend a lot of my spare time on the Internet. My problem is how to word the snail letter honesty would be a good way to start, just don't want to hurt anybody emotionally. Have you any suggestions?

Dear sobered,
It saddens me to hear that your disease has alienated your family. I guess their tolerance for other people's problems is low. But they were young, and your wife was hurt - so they must be forgiven. Anyway, it has happened, and now you would like to repair the damage. Good for you. It may be difficult, but if that's what you really want, your children will eventually take you back into their hearts.

You say you are still self-centered. I think not. I believe you have been selflessly considerate of your family for many years, staying away because it could bother them to have an alcoholic father. Now is the time, certainly, to get back on good terms with them.

You could send your son email, or a regular letter by post - either way is fine. Even a phone call would be alright, in fact that's the route I would favour. Tell him simply that you have retired, your health is fine, you have recovered from your earlier troubles, and you are very anxious to make contact with your children, both of them.

Tell him you would like to know what he is doing and what his hopes and plans are. And in the same letter, email or phone call, tell him you hope that he can plan to get together with you soon because you really want to touch base with him, after all these years.

It is possible that their mother has told them uncomplimentary things about you. In that case they will just have to decide for themselves. Chances are, as they are now adults, they will have had enough experience of life to know that they should judge a person for themselves. And on that topic, make sure you do not ever say anything derogatory about their mother. Just don't discuss her at all.

You should be happy that your ex-wife has found a new mate. Her life with you must have been difficult to say the least, and for her, the new man is her happy ending. Perhaps some day, in your new condition of sobriety your paths may cross and you can be civil to one another. I hope so. Time does heal old wounds.

But your main object now is to rediscover your children. You don't need to plead with them, or to give them any lurid details of your past misdeeds, or the problems you have had to recover. Just tell them you are now finished with the problems you used to suffer and that you feel it would enrich everyone's lives, theirs and yours, to be able to get back on friendly terms. Keep all the conversation on them and their plans and their accomplishments; anecdotes about their experiences. Keep it light.

If your own home is not suitable to entertain them, suggest a meeting at a restaurant. Invite them to dinner - or a Sunday brunch - whatever, and when they join you, or even if it is just one of them, don't cry all over them. And don't pump them for details they might rather not divulge. And don't criticize their life styles, or anything about them.

Take your children as they are, resolved that love will change things. And love, when it comes to family members, must be unconditional.

I wish you success in your project. I know you can do it.

Yours sincerely,
GG