Granny's Advice

My husbands parents are devout Catholics. My husband was brought up Catholic but has not followed the church for a very long time. I am Christian. We were married at a Chapel by a Christian minister, family & friends attending. It was very obvious that my husbands parents did not want him to marry me because I was not a Catholic girl. I also feel another reason was because I have a 5 yr. old daughter from a previous relationship. They were still trying to change his mind about marrying me right up to the rehearsal dinner!

They disapproved with just about everything! They treat me as though they are just "tolerating" me and the marriage. They criticize and belittle just about everything I do and on occasion my husband. I've never felt accepted or welcome in their home or family. If my husband does not socalize with them or go to church they blame me or have some remark to refer it must be because of me. Most of their criticism and belittling is done through a joke or laughing way so they can tell my husband they were only kidding. Whatever we do isn't enough or isn't right. They come over without calling. We've asked them to not call us before 8:00am because my husband works late shift but they do it anyway, waking up the whole household. Since the baby, now his mother keeps asking when we will have her christned?

Recently she even had the nerve to tell my 5 yr. old that she could be Catholic if she wanted to. She tells me I hold the baby to much...When she visited last she held the baby for a long time and when the baby started screaming and crying for me to feed her she refused to give her to me. She said "Oh she's alright".. on and on and on....

My husband refuses to talk to them about their bad behavior. I told him I would not allow any bad behavior in our home and as long as this goes on, they are not welcome. He expects me to ignore it and act like nothing is wrong here. I've been very nice to them in hopes they will like me and let up on their behavior. I've done just about everything I can to make a change in all this but without success. I've tried but I realize I can't live like this. My husband has a hard time being direct with them (or anyone for that fact) and being an athority figure in our own home. He has a hard time answering a direct question to about anything. He admitts to me he just tells me what I want to hear.

When I tried to talk a solution over with him, I talk and come up with suggestions and he just sits there and stares at me like I'm the problem. It's a struggle for me. I talked to him when we were first married when I saw all this starting and asked him to work out a set of boundries of what we will allow and not allow in our marriage and home and he thought it was silly and refused.

When I came home from the hospital with our baby, I asked him to please ask his parents to just give me a call first before coming over, he said it wasn't necessary for anyone to call first that everyone is always welcome! It's like they want to still control his life like they did when he was a child..He's 33 yrs. old!! (I'm 23) My parents live out of state. They are always so positive and fun to be around. My husband gets along fine with them and we have a good relationship. My parents always respected me, now, and even when I was growing up. They may of not liked my decisions but they still showed me respect.

When my husband allows his parents bad behavior I feel he isn't being respectful to me as his wife. I feel so let down by all this.

When his parents were pressuring us to go to church, actually they just wanted him to go to church with them, I attended with him to show my support to him and also in hopes to turn this situation around a bit. Instead of being appreciative or even civil, while at church, his father made a belittling remark to me so I left and I refuse to go back. His parents even say things to my parents that are so uncalled for. One time his father told my mother that he slapped one of his grandaughters for not doing what he told her to do. As he told this story to my mother, he reached over and slapped my mothers face to show her how he slapped his grandaughter!! My mother was appalled but held her composure. She thinks he's a nut and has a real problem. My mother told me she never knew anyone who professed to be such a religous person to ever behave this way. What can I say?? Hopefully you get the picture. I've tried to tell my husband how serious our situation is for our relationship and our marriage but he refuses to see it. I could go on and on and on...

Please advise.

My dear new mother,

I cannot advise you but I can congratulate you. In putting down all your grievances you have taken a very inportant step towards solving your problem. That's the first step, and you've done a great job of it.

Now let's see how you got into this difficult situation. You have known all along that your husband's parents would not accept you as a member of their family. That has been clear to you since before you decided to marry him despite this problem. All the awkward situations they have put you in, regarding church and christening the baby, and your other child, and making you feel inferior because you are not Catholic, could have been foreseen long before you got married. But apparently your need to live with this man was more important than the other considerations. Love does strange things to people, doesn't it!

Now that your love, and the comfort you feel with your husband's protection, is at risk. You have choices to make - life is a constant litany of choices. This choice is going to be difficult You must decide whether your marriage is worth all the problems you will be having with your in-laws, forever; because they will not stop, ever. Count on a lifelong battle between you and them.

If your husband loves you as much as you love him, he will help you. He will protect you from the cruelty of his parents when they are around. As for the religious choices of your children, that is up to them. Even if they are christened at an early age, to appease the grandparents, they can choose how they will live when they get older. Nobody can force them into a religion, after they are old enough to decide for themselves.

As you say you are a Christian, you know how to give and take, and how to show compassion to others, even if they do not share your beliefs. Your own religion can be your strength through all this. You can sustain the insults and the humiliation - I know you can do that. And you can rise above petty acts on the part of others and show an example of morality for your own children, and for your husband.

Nothing you can do will ever change your husband's parents. And also nothing you can do will ever change his own feelings of loyalty to them, and to his own church. You wonldn't want to even try to break that down. I could suggest that you have to decide to either "divorce" his parents or divorce him, but surely it won't come to that.

I truly believe the only course for you is to keep the whole picture in mind, think of the end result of whatever you say or do, and then just live with the situation you are in. After all, you knew from the start that it would not be easy. Now you find it is harder than you ever imagined. Rising above the situation and trying to understand their feelings will make you the stronger person in the family. Your own strength and your own good spirit in the face of all this confused thinking will calm the waters. YOU can be the one to lead them all into a position where everyone will tolerate everyone else's beliefs. Just don't panic. Use your best judgment at each incident.

As for them telling you how to raise your child, believe me, every grandmother in the world wants to do that - some of us resist the temptation. Those who can't are weak, and need some moral support. Think of something supportive and complimentary to say to her; her insecurity in your presence will eventually fade away. Ignore the insults and try to make those people like something about you - eventually you could win them over - not to your religion, but to you as a good wife for their son, and a good mother for their grandchild. Ask your husband to say nice things about you - to help you in your efforts to make peace in the family, and NEVER say anything uncomplimentary about them to your husband or your children.

You have a tough row to hoe for sure, but, as I said above, you've taken the best possible first step by writing it all down. Now things will begin to get better. Good luck.

Yours sincerely,
GG