Since having a baby nine months ago my MIL has been making life very
difficult for me. It seems to me that all she has wanted to do since I've
had him is take him away from me so she can "bond" with him. She has
complained constantly to my husband that she should be spending more time
alone with our baby, and when I explained to her that I didn't feel ready to
let him go (at 6 weeks old) she told me that I was being stupid. I am
breastfeeding our baby and therefore have been "tied" to him more, plus in
the early weeks I just wanted to get my life together - we were never close
and never spend time together before I had the baby.
I have tried to make an
effort to include her in things that I do, however as I work 3 days a week
my own time has become more limited, but she sees him at least twice a week,
though not on her own. I subsequently found out that she was still
complaining and feels hurt that I am there on those occasions. I feel she
wants to exlcude me totally, and has said that she hopes he speaks his first
words and takes his first steps for her. She is also planning to take him
on holiday with her and seems disinterested in forming any mature
relationships - if she comes to our house she ignores her son (her only
child) and I. If we go to her house the conversation is only of the baby.
I am also aware that she feels that her grandson is the only thing in her
life that she feels she can boast about. Unfortunately my husband agrees
with his mother that it is her "right" to spend time alone with our son and
that I have a psychological problem. I feel that his mother has created a
dream of what being a grandma will be - that it will fill an emotional void
for her, and that she is unable to deal with the reality - that her role is
not one of primary provider.
We cannot resolve this at all - I don't want
him to take my side but he seems unable to recognise the validity of my
emotions over those of his mother. If his mother does not get what she
wants she cries and feels so sorry for herself that life is very difficult.
I must just mention that my husband has been severely depressed since we had
the baby and blames me for his and his mothers unhappiness. I am very
tempted to run away from home!
Dear tempted,
No, no - running solves nothing. You've expressed the whole problem so well, I'm surprised that a solution has not come to your mind. But then, there is really never a "solution", it's just a matter of finding an acceptable compromise, isn't it.
So your lovely baby's grandmother has fantasized her role as a granny - not surprising. She has one son and he has made her a grandmother. Now she wants to play the part. I believe she is lonely and also may be challenged by young adults around her. But in this tiny child she sees a person who will not judge her, will never complain, and for whom she can play an important role. People like to feel important to somebody - even older people need that satisfaction.
If your mother-in-law likes to make plans for the future, taking trips with her grandchild, that's not a bad thing. If you will just let them get to know eachother, "bond" as you call it, both their lives will be richer. Your husband has said he thinks you are stupid; I don't think so. I think you are just a very possessive young mother who is trying to do the best for her child. If you had three of four children you'd be oh so grateful to a mother-in-law who wanted to look after them for you. But it's only natural for you to be jealously guarding your first; especially while you are still nursing him.
When you look at the whole situation from outside, as I am, it seems that everyone is totally justified in what they are doing, except for your husband, He shouldn't be calling you stupid. I wish he could see the situation in a better light. His mother is crying because she feels shut out from her one wonderful grandchild. That's normal. You are thinking of running away from home because you can't abide sharing the baby with his grandmother - that's not really normal, but it is understandable. Your husband should be able to do the balancing act between his mother and his wife. Other men do - tell him to get with it. He doesn't have to love one less - just love them both and calm the waters. That's what men are supposed to do when they grow up and get married. Tell him I said so.
You say you and your mother-in-law had nothing in common before the baby. Well, my dear, now you have a great deal in common. You two are the mother and grandmother of another human being. His entire future depends on how you both deal with your current differences of opinion. Don't let him become a victim of two women's love - make it be a blessing for him.
You needn't be afraid of leaving your baby alone with her - after all look at the wonderful job she did of raising the man you have fallen in love with, married, and have decided to raise a family with!
I'm not "siding" with your mother-in-law, I'm just stating the obvious. She exists, whether you like it or not. She IS your baby's grandmother. Maybe grandmothers don't have any legal rights, but morally they do. Also, she needs that baby to know her and love her - you really don't want to deny her that, no matter how estranged you have felt with here in the past. This baby has brought about the dawn of a new era in your family relations. Help your baby to know his granny and I promise you it will be to everyone's benefit. You lose nothing, and they both gain.
And for goodness sake don't run away from such a wonderful home!
Yours sincerely,
GG
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