Granny's Advice

Currently the method is to say that daddy is far away but so are the grand parents and others who she occationally sees. Obviously, she will not be able to understand the truth and we really don't want to tell her the whole truth anyway, at least not yet. We'd thought of saying that he was sick and she couldn't see him, but my girlfriend is afraid that worry the child too much. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Dear folks,

Start with the truth; it makes it a lot easier later to build on real facts rather than have to tell the child you have been lying to her.

"Where is my daddy?" she asks. Just tell her where he is. Your father is in Halifax, or Hong Kong, or Beirut - wherever - just tell her where he is.

When she asks why he doesn't come to see her, then tell her he is too sick. If that makes her worry about him being so sick, tell her that he isn't very sick, but just too sick to come and see her.

It won't be too long before you can tell her that he is addicted to drugs but that he might get cured and she should know that too. If she watches television she will know that drugs are not good for you. When she goes to school she will hear more about it - and as long as her father is addicted she will have to know.

But you can handle it in such a way that she will appreciate there are things about him (her father) that are good too. We tend to dwell on the one big fault when drugs are involved. But he may be a good musician, a good sport, or wonderful story teller, cook, joker - whatever - just be sure she doesn't get the impression that he is a totally bad person because she knows that whatever he is, she is his product. It won't take her long to wonder, "if my dad is a devil, what does that make me?"

So don't let her even think it.

Your task is harder than usual because I imagine the woman you are living with must be very agitated when she contemplates any relationship between her daughter and "that man". But as the years roll by, there will very likely be some contact and you don't want to lose the child's confidence by telling her lies now.

My advice is simply to tell her as little as possible; don't avoid questions, but just don't offer what she doesn't ask. Be there for her when she needs a "Daddy" - at school events for instance, and be a real good father figure yourself so her friends won't embarrass her by asking her where her Daddy is.

But, even if you are going to stay with her mother, and adopt the child, you will still need to explain to her about her biological father. All I can say to you is do not tell her lies about him. He IS sick. He can't visit her, and she can't visit him. But one of these days, you never know, he might quit the drugs and want to see his child.

Telling her stories to spare her feelings now will backfire later and you could lose her faith and friendship forever. That's not just a possibility, it is a probability. There is no question that whatever you tell her now will have repercussions later. When you answer her questions, don't dwell on them - just be quick and to the point, cheerful and move along to other subjects.

Yours is not an easy job, my friend, but since you've taken the trouble to seek advice, I feel sure that you'll be able to handle it now, and later on.

Yours sincerely, GG