Granny's Advice

They only live about 3 blocks away and since I'm home for the summer and so is she, she is always just dropping by. Most of the time she brings her grandson who lives with her. Then after about 20 min she"remembers" that she has laundry to hang out so she leaves and leaves my nephew, but she doesn't come back until hours later.This drives me insane.

Also I am the person in the family who has to have all the birthdays, Christmas and Thanksgiving or other holidays because my MIL doesn't cook. I do all the cooking ,baking and cleaning up. Whenever I talk to my husband about it he says I'm just being a b---.

He goes over to her house besides seeing her before work and after work he goes there almost nightly.

Every weekend they want us to go eat out with them and if I say no my husband throws a fit.

Also now they want us to go on vacation with them. I don't want to so my husband is mad.

The reason is we drove to my sisters' house for the Fourth of July weekend to have a break not knowing that my husband told his parents to drop by! It's a four hour drive so they showed up and with no hotel reservation stayed with my sister's family for the weekend and barged in on all of our plans. I know that this is a long letter but I need help

I am ready to move out because my husband always picks her side. Please help me!

Dear "jealous",

Getting to your last item first, don't move out. He isn't picking her side, he is just going along with his mother's wishes, as he has been taught to do all his life. Don't compete. There should not be "sides". He married you, and unless you turn his life into a "her or me" nightmare, he will be your husband forever, if you really want him to be. You can't change him, or his family, so it's up to you to adapt to the situation as it is.

We used to be told when we marry a man we marry his whole family, and isn't that the truth! It's too late to be telling you to be sure you want to be a part of that family before you marry into it, so I'll just have to help you face the many problems you have right now. You've taken a huge step in solving them already. The exercise of writing them all down in the letter you sent to me is the biggest part of the solution.

So let's just start with the first one you've mentioned, and work along through them all. I'll bet there are others you haven't got on this list, but here goes with number one:

The family business -

This arrangement can be a source of unhappiness and jealousy if you let that happen. Another course would be to ignore the way it is managed and just concentrate on making home life for your own part of the family as good as possible with the amount you have at your disposal. Two salary families seem to do fairly well; just be glad you both have jobs, so many people don't have any, and since it's a family business, in time it might belong to your husband, alone.

There is probably a very good reason why your mother in law is in charge of the finances for the business, and if she takes a salary for that service, she likely earns it. There may be tax reasons too, for her to be receiving a large share of the disposable income from the business. If I were you I would leave all that to the principals and save your nervous energy for your home and children, specially in summer when you don't have to be at school.

Next is problem number two:
The baby sitting of your newphew -

Is it really all that bad? You have your own two boys to look after; can one more child matter all that much? Is it the trouble of looking after that extra one, or is it the fury at being taken for granted that bugs you? I think you have such an antipathy towards your mother in law that you can't stand having her put this over on you. You would be perfectly justified in just saying, "No, I can't look after him today," and force her to take him along with her. Or you could tell her to ask you in advance, by phone, before she brings him around. On the other hand, you could also say, "I'd be delighted to keep Johnnie for you this morning, and tomorrow I'll leave my two with you while I am busy elsewhere!"

To be realistic, this might not work, but it wouldn't hurt to suggest such an exchange with her. And then, since you are working fairly low in the teachers' hierarchy, you might take some courses to upgrade to permanent teaching. If your mother in law could be persuaded that this would be good for the whole family, she might be pleased to look after your boys so you can take classes. If not, then bide your time. They will be old enough very soon for school, while you study for advancement. Thinking about such a possibility should help you in a resolve not to widen the gap between yourself and your mother in law.

OK then, what was number three?
Ah yes, the cooking and baking -

Aren't you fortunate to be able to look after all these wonderful family events! How sad that your mother in law can't cook! You are gradually becoming the central figure in that entire family - putting those feasts on the table does it every time. But as to the cleaning up - don't let them turn you into the family drudge. Get up from the table after the party and just say, "It was a lot of work preparing this meal, but I enjoyed doing it for you all. Now I'm going out for a walk and when I come home I hope the dishes will be done. Then, go. Don't expect miracles but they might do something about cleaning up - you can always hope. If that doesn't work, then for the next family gathering, tell them you haven't the energy to make the meal AND clean up, so unless they will help, they'll have to skip the whole celebration. I guess what I'm saying here is, either put your foot down and assert yourself, or just leave things as they are and carry on in your role as the ascending head of that family.

Number four:
Mama's boy -

Yes my dear, your husband is still his Mama's boy and likes it that way. She needs him near her and he needs to be there. This will change. They do eventually grow up - but sometimes it takes ten or twenty years. In the meanwhile, whatever you do to try to change him will only make it worse. Without trying to make light of something that is a terrible bother to you, I could remark that if he must spend time with another woman, it's just as well it should be his mother! You are not alone with this problem. It is very common. In fact it is the basis for most of the mother-in-law jokes that circulate around the internet. It's also the cause of many divorces - but I don't think you really would contemplate that sort of a non-solution.

You will be enduring lonely evenings at home with the children, while he is entertaining his mother, until he finally matures and realizes that he needs his own family too. Be patient. It is possible that the time spent with his parents is business related. They may be involved in productive discussions that would be impossible during the working day. Also see if there is anything you can do to make him prefer evenings at home.

Number five:
Dinners out with the family -

Thank them for inviting you and enjoy the dinner. I supposes that while you are at the restaurant the mother and father and son engage in conversation together while you are left sitting there like a wallflower at the prom. Well, you could try to join in. Ask a few questions about their precious business so they know you are interested. Some day you might be the person doling out the pay cheques! Listen to what they are saying if you can stand it, and at the same time, enjoy your meal. I almost want to send you to take assertiveness lessons - so you can hold your own in that family. If there is a community centre where you live, you might ask them about such things; they have proved to be useful for people in your situation.

Since you know your husband wants to eat out with the family, what's the use of telling him you don't want to? Why not sit back and enjoy the meal?

Number six:
Vacationing with the family -

Oh dear, this could be a difficult vacation for you both if your husband is already mad at you for not wanting to go. What you want for a vacation is a time away from his parents - but I guess that would be terrible too, because he would still be mad at you. So you have a choice. Either you somehow manage to get him to go away with you and the children, alone, and hear him complain for the entire time, or you go along with his wish to holiday with the parents along as well. If you feel entrapped in this family which you can't ever avoid, you have to go back to your final question and decide if you can stand it any more. If not, tell your husband and walk out.

BUT - when you do that remember that the troubles will never end because you have children who belong to him and his parents as much as to you - so you will forever be dealing with them all whether you are still married to him or not. The better choice would be to stick with him through it all. He won't ever change but you will learn to accommodate the situation. That's all I can promise.

Oh, there was another problem, Number seven:
Horning in on the July Fourth parties -

Of course they wanted to be part of the celebrations. They can't have much of a life of their own and they need to be with their son, and his lively friends, to make theirs complete. I would like to see you develop a group of friends of your own, outside the family. You should have a "life" with girl friends, club members, colleagues at school, a dance class, anyone at all - young mothers would be a good idea - to share ideas, go bowling, book club - whatever - so you would not be totally dependent on your husband for socializing.

And one last thought, in defense of your husband's seemingly uncaring behaviour: it is possible that his mother has sacrificed a great deal one way and another for that family business and deserves medals instead of criticism. Your husband will have grown up through those years - and perhaps you could ask him about it so you would better understand his attitude. I can tell you from personal experience that running a family business is a harrowing adventure for the entire family.

I hope this letter has given you something to chew on. Whether you agree with me or not you may come up with some useful ideas of your own.

Yours sincerely,

GG