I am married, have a year and a half old child, and work half-time as an
ICU nurse. My husband travels frequently, and when he is gone, I have
total baby-duty (day and night..When he is home, he takes night duty that
is not breastfeeding). Between an out of control house (my husband is as
messy as our child), the overwhelming demands at work, and a child who
seems to be teething more often than not, I am at my wit's end. I am
still breastfeeding (she won't take a bottle), so when she is cranky, I'm
up half the night.
I can't get behind letting her cry it out, I think that
this time of her life is too precious and important to set up a
non-trustful situation (she cries, I come to her)...But when you put it
all together, I am an emotional wreck.
I am seriously thinking about
quitting my job, but this will put financial hardship on the family (I
carry the medical benefits, which we would now have to pay for, and if I
worked full-time, I would make more than my husband.) And I can't seem to
get past the feeling that I would be "quitting" on my commitment to my
husband to work (I promised this before we got married.), and that I
"failed" at being able to accomplish all of this (you know, "other women
are able to do this, why can't I?"). I have already hired someone to clean
every other week, but there is nothing else that I can delegate. Please
help! As a first-time mom, it's hard to know what the "right" thing to do
is. But what I do know is that I can't keep doing what I have been. I'm
ready to keel over.
Sincerely,
Nervous wreck
Dear wreck,
We seem to get ourselves into these situations where no matter what we do someone will think we are wrong. So the only way out is to do what WE think is best and to hell with what other people think. Your judgment regarding your own family is far better than anyone else's opinion. You know your baby needs you at home now. You know that your health for the rest of your life will be better if you stay at home now. You know that whatever "promises" you made to your husband before marriage did not take into account the realities of today. You know he didn't marry you for your earning power and will need you to stay healthy.
You also know that out there in the world are women who can hold down a great job, keep their homes spotless, handle large families of children, and look beautiful every day - and so what??? You don't live in their homes and you have no idea what the real cost to their families and themselves might be. Anyway, who cares what Miss Wonderful is doing next door. Your one and only responsibility is to your own family, and that includes you, as a major player.
Arrange with the hospital to grant you a two or three year leave of absence without pay, but keeping your seniority. That would be ideal. Or you might even remain in their employ on a much reduced basis, doing only emergency or holiday fill-in shifts at whatever pace you can manage while giving your child your full attention. And if neither of these possibilities can be achieved with your present employer, then just resign the position; but keep your eyes open during your time out of the work force so you will be able to slide back in when your daughter is ready to go to school.
Your profession will always need you. Whatever salary you miss now will be more than compensated by your mental state, which you know will also affect your physical state. You have to think of yourself as the most important member of the family right now, and if you allow your health to deteriorate it will reflect on everyone else.
When you have made the momentous decision to take a few years off from your hospital duties, don't think of it as quitting work. You will be working at home on an extremely valuable task; the most important task in your world and one that nobody else could ever possibly do.
You will find that when your household has your full attention, some of the costs of living will be lessened. Also your husband will get more sleep! When you go back to work after a few years, which will pass so fast you'll wonder where they went, you'll be a far better nurse than if you had dragged on through this present period when you need to be home, nursing your child.
I am sure it is you who sets the mood of the household, and I know that you can manage things so that your husband will never wish you were still earning that second salary. For years to come you will both have these few years to look back upon and enjoy telling anecdotes about how you managed on the single salary. Look on it as an adventure, and make the very most of being "just a housewife" which, in many minds, is the noblest of all female professions.
Main thing is, don't look on it as a failure - it is a terrific achievement. You will all benefit. Mainly, your daughter. (As you say she is teething all the time, and you are still breastfeeding - I sure hope you are able to teach her to use a cup real soon!)
Yours sincerely,
GG
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