Until recently I adored my mother-in-law. She has always been opinionated but knew when not to pry and how to back off gracefully when needed.
Recently my husband has been suffering from a rather severe clinical depression. This is a serious matter that nobody is taking lightly - but he's seeing a psychologist and is on medication and things are improving.
Before I understood that my husband was depressed, we had many conflicts - basically whenever I asked him to do anything with me - spend time with me, get a hair cut, buy a cake for my birthday- it didn't matter what I asked, the answer was always no. I was perplexed and argued with him because I felt unloved and angry at being treated this
way. Now I understand better that when he says these things it's a reflection of how overwhelming life is for him and the feeling that he can't possibly cope with a single additional thing, emotionally. We certainly never got to the point where I would have considered divorce or separation, though we did go to a marriage counsellor to improve our
communication skills. So our marriage has been far from smooth sailing, and it's fair to say that at some point I even aggravated his depression problem, but I was never the cause of this depression and we've come to understand each other better and haven't really had even a single argument in months. I've been his biggest supporter now that I
understand the problem. And we've both been pretty happy with our marriage, while still worried about his well being.
My husband is very close to his mother-in-law and used to tell her everything. At some point in the middle of all this conflict that began changing her once-favorable impression of me for the worse, and I asked him to find a new confidant when talking about our marital woes in the light of keeping my relationship with her a good one. I'm not sure if that was a mistake or not.
My mother-in-law is just now beginning to realize how serious this depression problem is. She loves him fiercely and it would be fair to say she's panicked to realize her son is miserable and needs therapy for depression. She has come to the conclusion that I am the thing making her son miserable and urged me not to let my pride stand in the
way of considering separation as my only means to save her son from a miserable life. I was floored - is it rude to tell my MIL that I don't want her diagnosing my marriage and giving this kind of unwanted advice? My husband fortunately agreed with me that she was way out of line but when he tried to explain it to her she actually argued with him and it's
doubtful she heard a thing he was saying. She did send an apology - for causing more trouble between us (she didn't) and she added a whole lot of other unwanted and way-off-the-mark advice with it. I know she's panicked and worried about her son, but how can I possibly get through to her? The message she's sending is not only a very painful vote
of no confidence in me, it's also exactly the opposite of the optimism and support my husband needs to hear from her right now.
Thanks for being there
Shoulder Being Cried On
You are wise to understand the nature of your husband's illness. Too many people can't realize that depression can become a serious disease. Few are able to grasp the importance of not adding even one tiny extra decision to the person suffering real clinical depression.
Your task in living with your husband is not easy and will likely become more and more demanding. Even though he is getting professional help, he will always also need your understanding and love. As you have come to realize it is a real illness and you now know the part you can play in alleviating the symptoms. This very understanding and willingness to help will mean the essential life or death difference to him.
Now we have to consider the interference by your mother, or his mother. It's not clear by your letter which it is - you refer to "your" mother in law, and then you refer to "his" mother in law, but no matter; maybe it is both of them. Though she is trying to seem understanding she really doesn't get it. She wants to play an important role, to feel useful. She might, mistakenly, think that all his troubles would be over if SHE could look after him with you out of the picture.
But she has missed the point that every time she tries to help she is making things worse for him. She doesn't understand the basic fact that you have discovered; that he must not be faced with any more challenges. Even asking him a simple question can throw his mind into chaos. Your mother (or his mother) doesn't realize this. If she did, loving him as she does and wanting only the best for him, she would not be trying to persuade you to make changes in his life, or yours.
Try your best to distance yourselves from her as much as possible. Neither you nor your husband should discuss his
condition or any other family matters with her, or with anyone else for that matter. Try to be present when they are together and abruptly change the subject, or leave, if it gets onto personal family matters.
Your husband is extremely fortunate to have a wife who understands his illness. Most wives just take it as bad manners, or a threat to their position. You have come beyond those doubts and will be able to stand strongly between your husband and all those things that make his life a living Hell. Nobody except you can do this. The more you succeed, the more strength you will gain, and the more happy, useful life you will both lead. If you are able to keep things sufficiently contained for him to fulfil some of his potential, consider yourself a heroine.
It's not easy. Living with a man who has visible handicaps is a labour of love and living with one with this unseen clinical depression syndrome is even worse. Nobody can see his disease but it is there with him all the time. Do not let that well-meaning interfering parent increase his suffering. Keep her at arms length.
Truly yours,
GG
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