My strong-willed daughter of four 1/2 years is distancing herself from her grandparents. Her grandparents have on occasion taken her to special events with and without me. No matter the situation, she gives them the cold shoulder.
This is tearing my parents apart, my mother (grandma) continues to give her unconditional love, but my dad (grandpa) is fed up with being embarrassed in public and the coldness she shows him whenever he reaches out to her.
I can't make my daughter love them. Another observation I've made is she's warmer (in giving love) to my husband's parents. They are younger looking and haven't been as insistent on receiving hugs and kisses from my daughter.
This has been going on for at least a year. When I ask my parents what I should do, they think I need to spank her!! This is the way I was raised and I was spanked a lot! I disagree with this thought. I cannot make my daughter do
anything, but I can persuade her. Do I present her with privileges that will be taken away if she can't respect Grandma and Grandpa?
When my parents are not present, I often share funny stories with my daughter about the things my parents and I did when I was little. She's delighted in these stories and wants to know more about Grandma and Grandpa. How can I help nurture their relationship?
Your child is very young, be patient.
For certain you can't make her love her grandparents by spanking her. You know that. In fact there is no way you can make her love them but are you sure she doesn't really love them?
Perhaps she just doesn't like to be hugged and kissed by them. Has it occurred to you that perhaps they have bad breath, or some other odour which your child is too young to overlook?
Maybe your relationship with your parents precludes telling them to stand back a bit and let their relationship be at arms length for a while. But you could talk to your child about how much your parents depend on her acceptance. There would be nothing wrong with telling her that if she will be especially nice to them you will be especially nice to her.
I don't think bribing her is a great idea but it could help at the moment, while you are waiting for her to grow up enough to realize that being nice to old people is just one of the things that good people do. Some young people don't like to look at old people for a variety of reasons which I'm sure you can imagine. It's too bad but it's a fact of life.
Try to minimize occasions with your parents for a while, during which hiatus you could be telling your daughter about the wonderful things they have done. Not only good times you had with them as a child, but things they have done to make the world a better place.
Create some family pride so when she gets a bit more socially conscious she will have a reason to respect them.
Maybe they didn't find a cure for cancer or build the Empire State building, but I'm sure they have grown a garden, or worked for the town, or nursed, or taught or whatever, and you can easily explain to your little child the importance of their accomplishments in the scheme of things.
Keep her away from your parents until she can overcome whatever turns her away and will agree to be their friend and respect them. There's no need to have them feeling badly about her rudeness.
Ask her to think of some ways she could make them feel better and praise her when you see her doing it. Also ask your parents to take her disrespect as a phase she is going through and to be patient.
Patience is everyone's best friend just now. I think this phase will pass.
Good luck,
GG
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