I live in australia, which is multicultural, and have just become engaged to my boyfriend of 5 years. He is of malay-chinese decent and I'm of irish-aboriginal decent. My MIL has never approved of my boyfriend seeing me and had hoped that we would break up and he would go out with a chinese girl (there is always plenty of fish in the sea she would say).
She has hurt me many times, making nasty comments about my parents, not saying hello when I enter their house, not talking to me, and ignoring me when I ask her something or say something to her. Everyone notices and it's very embarrassing. But I have graciously put up with it because I love my fiancé so much, and I always hope that despite his problems with his mother, that they would eventually develop a loving mother-son relationship.
When we announced our engagement to her (and we made sure that apart from my parents, they were the first to know), she said to my fiancé "oh well, what ever makes you happy". I was not surprised and thought that it was actually quite a nice comment (from her anyway). But she is so concerned about what her friends think, she said who have you announced it to, and how big is the ring. We can get a bigger one if its not big enough.
Now, having a big ring sounds nice, but I'm a real practical person, so my fiancé and I picked out a ring together that is not too chunky as I do labour intensive work. I also made sure it was 9ct as this is a stronger gold.
I have often contemplated leaving my fiancé through the years because of the way MIL treats me and my family, but I can't bear to leave him. And I am willing to put up with all sorts for the sake of keeping peace and ensuring that my fiancé is not put under more stress than necessary. She has made him cry so many times by telling him he doesn't do things good enough (study and work) and I just want him to be happy so I don't tell him about half the things she says to me. But I'm worried about how she is going to behave during the planning of the wedding ,we want something simple and easy with minimum stress, but I'm terrified as she has already started planning it with friends she is inviting from overseas.
Can you give me any tips of how to handle her? I have been on crutches for the last six weeks with a serious knee injury and it looks like I will need to have surgery soon. How can I make sure that she doesn't take over while I'm in hospital? I'm worried that my own mother and friends are going to be left out if she takes over.
Any tips would be helpful.
Thanks
worried bride
Get your priorities in order. What is most important to you? Is it that 9k ring, or the size of your wedding, or who organizes the guest list, or which set of parents gets to make the plans while you're having your knee fixed, or what?
Or is it possible that starting a long and happy married life is more important than all the above?
If you haven't yet realized that marriage is a family affair which involves getting along with a mother-in-law,
father-in-law, and a whole lot of other people who have been in your boyfriend's life, then you should rethink.
Marriage is much more than just one long permanent date, it's a total change which does not come easily. Interracial marriage brings with it a whole lot more problems, but read the other letters in the Great Granny series and you'll see that trouble can exist even in marriages between people with similar cultural backgrounds.
You could plan your marriage yourselves - just you and your boyfriend. Ask three or four very close friends, and your
parents and siblings, to join you in a small ceremony at a chapel, or even in your home, and then announce the marriage after it has taken place. Or go to the minister with a witness and have it done privately in his office.
The alternative would be for you to let your boyfriend's mother take on the entire wedding and do it her way and just join in as an obedient participant to keep peace in the family. Surely your parents will understand that this is something your boyfriend's mother needs to do in her own way. Surely your parents won't spoil it for that poor woman who feels so insecure that she needs to put on a big production for her own relatives.
On crutches and in pain I don't think you are capable at this moment of making the big decisions about your marriage. How about postponing the whole thing until everyone has settled down?
Another possibility would be for you to elope - just go away and get married by a justice of the peace somewhere and tell them back home after it has been done. But consider how furious everyone would be, and I don't think you need them all to hate you.
So - having thought it all through, maybe your best bet is to just let things take their course as your boyfriend's mother
wants them to. Show them all what a lovely co-operative young woman you can be and do everything in your power to help their plans to be successful.
The Chinese relatives will all be wishing that he had chosen a Chinese wife so you have to demonstrate in every way possible to each and every one of them that you are worthy and will make him a great wife. Their purpose in coming from afar to the wedding is to get to know you so make sure you spend time talking with them and being as charming and appreciative as you can be. Reassure them that the woman who is joining their family is the lovely person that I know you are. Don't just put on an act, but take a real interest in each of them so they can go home feeling good about the whole affair. This is important beyond belief. Take my word for it.
Nothing worthwhile in this life is done without a lot of compromising and hard work. This wedding will be a real test of
your capabilities. Grow into the job of being his wife by taking on this first big challenge gracefully.
Think over all the above and make your choice. I expect you'll know what to do.
Sincerely,
GG
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