I have a problem and really no one I can discuss it with. I have been married now for almost four years. I have two children 9 mos and 3 years. My marriage is fine. Great in fact. My concern lies with my inlaws. My husband comes from a divorced home and both parents are remarried. A couple of years ago his mother and stepfather moved to Texas where we live. I thought it would be wonderful ... well don't get me wrong I love them both, but we do not agree on child raising ideas.
We don't visit that often even though they only live a couple of miles from us because they work and my husband works a lot of hours. When we do visit we get along fine, but there are a few things I have a problem with. We have asked several times for them not to smoke around the kids, but they always do. Its kind of off and on. Sometimes they don't then sometimes (most of the time) they do.
I had kind of let it slide when my son got a little older. They do stay in a different room, but it is connected with a wide
door so the smoke does drift. While I was pregnant I tried to stay away , but it was not easy. Now my second child was born and she had respiratory problems and was hospitalized nine days after birth. Therefore this adds to my concern.
I try to get my husband to ask them not to smoke, but we feel bad considering it is their house. Then when they do smoke outside, I end up in the house by myself with the kids. This makes me feel like an outsider. They also have dogs in the house that are loud and I do not trust them. One of them bit my son on the face at 10 months after we were assured they were good dogs. They do leave the dogs outside while we are there, but there is the occasional run in when the doors are opened.
My husband also smokes but he always goes out. You would think they would follow his lead. So its more like a chore to me to go visit than it is a visit. I think they feel that I am too overprotective with the children. I don't leave them there alone. To me there are just too many dangers like the dogs and also a pool. I find it hard to believe that they won't abide by the no smoking, but they just don't . I don't know if they don't want to or if they forget.
I would appreciate any advice you can give..or just comfort....thank you........
Your letter arrived in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS - which I find an annoying unconcern for my feelings. It is hard to read such messages but I have managed to read yours by transforming it on my computer. Isn't it amazing how easily one can make life more difficult for others. And your inlaws who like to smoke, keep dogs, and have a swimming pool would be so much easier to get along with if they would do things as you do.
However, we have choices. We can either get along with people who differ from us, or we can avoid them. You can learn to cope with the smoke, the dogs, and the pool, or you can learn to live with as little contact with those people as possible.
One great boon would be if you could find some of the things they do that are more positive. Concentrate on what great
resources they have in other ways. Decide whether knowing their grandparents is going to be beneficial to your children, and whether knowing your children is going to be beneficial to your inlaws. It's all in your hands right now but as your children grow older they may have some opinions on the matter as well.
Don't try to run anyone's life. You can post "no smoking, no dogs" signs in your own home but you can't really control what goes on in other people's homes.
When it comes to smoking, I agree with you. Some people have to experience personally the tragedy that smoking can cause before they take it seriously. Others have the intelligence to let their common sense govern their actions, but you can not govern other people's actions, except in your own home. As for the dogs, I am terrified of other people's dogs unless I know them intimately. No matter how often a person tells me his dog is friendly I know that an exception can occur - and it's not worth the risk when it comes to children.
I would think you could visit them without your children. Enjoy conversation with them but get a baby sitter to look after your children at home before you visit those inlaws. And if it happens again that they smoke outside with your
husband and leave you indoors with the children, take that opportunity to play something special with the children. Don't feel like an outsider, let those smokers be the outsiders, missing all the fun with the kids.
I hope you can persuade your husband to stop smoking soon.
Truly yours,
GG
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