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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
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I have a 10 month old granddaughter, and my son and his wife have been married for 3 years. Prior to the birth of my granddaughter, my daughter-in-law and I got along great, in fact many times her mother would join us and we would shop, go to lunch, etc.
Since my granddaughters birth things have changed. Most of their time is spent with her parents (mainly her mother). I work a full time job and only have certain days I can spend with them. Her and her mother are inseparable, they either see each other every day or talk to each other several times a day (my son works a lot of overtime to meet their financial obligations).
My daughter-in-law is now bitter towards my husband and myself and makes it very uncomfortable to be around. We aren't quite sure what we did if anything to create this situation. Before being a grandmother I read articles about being a grandmother and I've made a point of not giving advice, suggestions or comments such as this is what I did as a mother. I think it is very important my son and daughter-in-law make the decisions on raising their daughter. I'm willing to keep the distance for my son's sake. I feel he has been put in the middle and the last thing I want to do is put pressure on his relationship with his wife. We've always been a very close family and I feel this closeness is diminishing.
My question to you is, should my husband and I back off completely and let my daughter-in-law's parents be the only ones involved in their lives? My husband and I have dreamed of being grandparents and it certainly isn't anything like we thought it would be. Our son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter are precious to us and we will sacrifice the
family life with them if it is the best for them.
PS We've had a couple of family meetings with both parents in attendance and in my opinion my daughter-in-law is not open to suggestions and I feel she thinks my husband and I are to blame.
Sincerely,
A Loving Grandma
- Dear loving grandma,
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As well as being a grandmother, you are also a wife and mother, but I wish you could look at your life today as a person in her own right. You don't have to be president of the local book club, or even a member of your neighbourhood watch group, but you should be doing something. Perhaps you are artistic, or have a hobby or enjoy some craft or do something musical.
Whatever it is, I hope it will give a depth to your life and provide you with the feeling of worth that you deserve.
Making life wonderful for your husband at this stage of his life is often enough of a challenge, and whatever you do in this direction can also be rewarding. People highly respect women who have happy husbands.
As for your children, it is sometimes difficult to recognize that they have new families of their own and also that they are free to make their own choices about their life styles. If they happen to spend more time doing something other than you would have chosen for them, that's their decision. Don't interfere. Live your own life and respect their need to live theirs.
Probably the choices they make today are right for them at this moment. You raised your son to be a fine person and chances are he is doing the best by the standards you have taught him. You must also trust that the woman he has chosen is doing her best, for him and their child. Another time they may make other choices. Perhaps some day their lives will bring them closer to you more often, physically, but in the meantime don't alienate them by expressing your jealousy of their other relatives.
Be there for them when they will need you and right now be busy with your own affairs. Don't love them or your grandchild any less because you see them less. Family is family, and we all know how important it is to love them all, unconditionally, without making any demands on them.
Truly yours,
GG
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