My Mother (I'm 53) recently hurt my feelings very badly. She has been promising to come to visit for several months now. We finally settled on Christmas, and talked about what flights would be convenient to both of us. She told me she would be making reservations as soon as she got back from a trip to visit my sister. She got back and promptly announce that she could not come Christmas after all. When I asked why she said my sister had asked if she could come visit them at Christmas. My mother said she felt sorry for my sister because she never got to go any where. My sister home schools her children and her husband works nights.
I'm sorry, but that was her decision. And she does get to go places. She has been on at least four trips in the past year. One to visit me. I have not been on one.
My oldest daughter has a broken leg and crushed ankle, she may never walk again without a walker, she is unemployed and her husband left her. We took her in and have been caring for her. That has tied me down a lot.
My mother is aware of this. I have felt so hurt. Why is she playing favorites? How do I handle this situation? Do I ignore it and act as if nothing is wrong? Do I tell my mother how she has made me feel? Or do I just act as if she does not exist?
I hope you can help me.
You can't act as if your mother does not exist, because she does exist. Also she has feelings and wishes and deserves to make choices of her own and apparently one of the things she doesn't choose to do is to spend Christmas with you.
I don't think this has anything to do with the problems your sister has, nor with your own problems, I believe she is simply deciding where she will be most comfortable and with whom she would prefer to spend time. If it doesn't happen to be you, don't fret about it. People change and people make choices, and your mother is just a person. She doesn't belong to either of you.
Don't take it as an insult, it's just her life and at this point she should spend it as she wishes. For some reason she would rather be with your sister, so what! Surely you will be able to have a great time at Christmas with or without your mother by your side. By now you have undoubtedly organized a life of your own and having your mother in the house would be a nice extra, but you shouldn't be depending on it.
Don't be angry, just accept it. Send her your usual bright cheerful letters about what's going on in your life, and respond with genuin interest to her own information about what's going on in hers. Don't be angry with other members of the family just because your mother chooses not to spend Christmas with you. The whole topic is unimportant.
If you think about it, what you'd like most for your mother is that she should be as happy, content, comfortable and fulfilled for the remaining years of her life as possible. If having her in your home would help all these things, then I'm sure she would want to be with you, but apparently this is not the case. Wherever she feels best at this moment is where she should be.
Look on your mother as a wonderful person who spent a good deal of her time taking care of you and making sure that you would become what you are. She didn't cling to you and keep you by her side, but launched you into the world to be a useful and resourceful adult. Now you can get along without her at your side.
If you're worried about what the neighbours will think, or what other members of your family will think, when your mother doesn't come to visit you, well - forget it. You could waste your entire life worrying about what others will think. Just do what you know is best for your mother and have a good time with your own family.
Always be ready for her to come to you and greet her and make her feel loved and welcome, but don't get into a tizzy when she doesn't arrive.
Merry Christmas.
GG
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