Seven months ago I gave birth to our first son. My husband's mother volunteered to assist us after the birth. (We lived two hours away at the time.) Things had always been strained between the two of us but had been improving over the last two years. Assuming that she'd only stay a couple of days, we graciously accepted her offer and expertise(???).
Three days into her visit my husband was ready for her to leave but I didn't want to be rude. I suggested that we allow her to stay with the hopes that she would leave on her own. Big mistake!! Soon after that she began accidentally calling herself "Mommy," removed our peacefully sleeping son from our bedroom in the middle of the night to sleep in the same room with her (we didn't find out until we awoke to an empty bassinet), constantly competed with me to care for him (she even pushed my hands out of the way in the middle of a changing and stated that, "we do just fine until
she butts in"), was purposely feeding him bottles of water and placing him to sleep on his stomach even after I asked her not to do so. She completely took over and behaved as though the baby were hers. She was the Mommy and my
husband was the Daddy. It truly was sick and even made my husband uncomfortable.
My husband and I couldn't take it anymore and, after 10 days, he graciously asked her to leave so that we could bond as a family. From that point to present, it has been obvious that she blames me (not us as a couple) for asking her to leave. She came to visit a few times afterward and treated everything I said with disrespect. She has now conveyed
negative things to my husband's other relatives so that all of them do their best to shut me out and pretend as though my son only has a Daddy.
We have been asked by other family members (not her) to give details on our side of the issue and have declined. The issue remains between my MIL, myself, and my husband. We felt that it was inappropriate to bring other individuals into the middle. Perhaps "spilling the beans" would give them a better understanding of why we choose to limit our time with them but we don't want to embarrass my MIL.
Just one week ago she called herself Mommy again. (he will be associating names with faces soon -- this needs to stop.)
So far we have not discussed these concerns with her. Historically, she has refused to talk about any issue that requires negotiation and self analysis. The last time that my husband asked to speak to her about a sensitive
issue, she swore at him and hung up the phone. We then got the silent treatment for months afterward. (She has done the same thing with her neighbors, friends, and even the priest!!!) She is right about everything.
I guess I'm looking for words of wisdom that will make me feel better about myself. She has turned this into a competition since the day my son was born -- I don't want to compete I just want to be a Mommy. I want
her to be a grandmother. She is very possessive and controlling over her son but I did not expect her to behave the same way with our son. This is now affecting my self esteem since my husband's family treats me as though I
don't exist. Fortunately, we now live four hours away so visits will be infrequent.
I am trying to focus on the fact that I have a wonderful husband that recognizes the bizarre antics of his mother and his other relatives. We have been blessed with a beautiful, happy son. Our pediatrician and my family tell us how wonderful we are doing. For some odd reason, I desire approval from my in-laws. I want them to accept me as "Mommy" and not some terrible monster.
Is this a normal feeling or am I truly crazy? How should I approach the situation?
Your expertise is appreciated!
No, you're not crazy but perhaps your MIL is slightly disturbed. She is so jealous of you with your new baby that she really wants to be you.
You're totally correct in not wanting to discuss her problem with the rest of her family because they seem willing to take her side against you, probably because she is their mother.
Your big job now is to maintain your position. Your husband, who thankfully understands the real situation, will help you by calling you Mommy all the time around the baby. And always refer to his mother as Granny, or Grandma - whatever you choose - and teach the baby to call her that. His first word will probably be Mommy, and you should be there coaching him.
Do whatever possible to keep your MIL away from him until she has accepted the fact that the baby is yours, not hers. As for the rest of the family, just ignore any discussion of the subject of your MIL and keep all conversations on other topics, or leave the room, taking the baby with you.
Always refer to your MIL as Grandma - whether she is there or not. And if she raises an objection, just quietly tell her that she IS the baby's grandmother and he is fortunate to have such a loving grandmother. Don't back down on that and every time you hear her call herself Mommy, just barge right in and say, "this is your Grandma" - and teach the baby to say "Grandma" - or Gamma - or whatever he can say as he is learning his first words.
Hopefully he will be saying Daddy by then and he will very soon come to know who all these people are. At this point it is difficult for you to think of him actually talking, but you'll be amazed how soon babies begin to say things. And already he is beginning to recognize people. So keep on saying "Mommy" when you are with him.
It's too bad you have to work so hard to establish your relationship with him but it's worth it. Also, don't let your
MIL feed him any more and for goodness sake don't let her put him down to sleep, ever. He should sleep on his back, or on his side, not on his face. You know best, and you are his Mother.
If you can maintain some sort of a friendly relationship with your baby's grandmother, that will be a great triumph. But your first duty is to your son, and to your husband. I think you are on the right track.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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