I have been married to my husband for 11 years. During the first years my in-laws begged all of their 5 children/spouses for grandkids because they were so anxious. And we all produced some. Now there are 11
grandchildren. Its quite a houseful when we get together for holidays and such, so the grandchildren rarely have any quality time with the grandparents. Except for one of my husbands sisters. She is extremely close to her mother- as
are her 2 children. Which leaves the rest of us out. We all feel hurt and at times bitter because of the obvious favoritism.
Let me also say that she is the only child between my MIL and FIL together. My husband and one sister belong to my FIL. She had two boys and then together they had this sister. They all grew up together though since my FIL had custody of my husband and his sister.
Anyway, I especially feel outcast because as a daughter in law, it is hard enough to be close to your MIL. But as a step DIL, it is even MORE difficult. I feel left out. My inlaws have in the past gone on trips with their other children and grandchildren but have never invited us.
We all live within 30-45 minutes from each other, so distance is not a big issue. What is also very hard to fathom is that my in-laws have so little to do with my 2 children. They have helped me 2-4 times in 6 years with my children! They spend weekends, babysit, and trips with Sister, her husband and kids. We have done our part by taking the initiative to invite them for one-on-one dinners without the other siblings, but they never invite us to spend time with them. My husband even talked to my FIL in law about it and he just said that is how my MIL and Sis are and there is nothing he can do about it.
That is fine for her to be close to her own daughter...but what hurts me the most is the lack of involvement and time with my children. Whatever my relationship or my husband's relationship to them may lack...I just wish they would reach out and be part of my kids lives. My daughter would love to go spend the night but they never ask her to. And
even if they did, the sister and her family would probably be right there getting all the attention.
It is so frustrating knowing that my kids will have no relationship with them because the years are going by and one day it will be too late.
What can I do that I have not already done? The older my kids get, the more I resent the in-laws for leaving us all out of their lives!
Thanks for any advice.
Half the mail I get about mothers in law is from people who don't want them to interfere. The other half is from people who feel neglected. This time, it's the latter.
If your mother in law was taking a constant interest in you and your children I'll bet you'd be wanting her to get off your
case. But as it is you are trying to compare how much time she spends with her other grandchildren, and how much time with your children. How pointless!
She is not a fixture; she is a person, with every right to choose those with whom she wishes to associate. As it happens, she seems to find more time for her daughter's children than her son's children. So what?
Surely your children have other friends to visit. Are they really feeling left out because their grandparents don't ask
them over? Or is it just you who feels bad about that? When they are older they will choose for themselves whether they want to visit their grandparents or not. That will be their choice, not yours.
As an adult person, you shouldn't be concerning yourself about the life styles of other adults in your family. You can't change them anyway, so don't get stressed out about it. If there is something about you, or your own children, that makes it difficult for your mother in law to enjoy their company, you could conceivably try to change that. Maybe they are noisy or messy, or quarrel all the time, or maybe they clam up and won't talk with her. Perhaps you could train them to do things that would please their grandmother so she would enjoy them more.
But that's not really necessary. I'm sure they are lovely children and shouldn't be made to feel bad just because their
grandparents have little time for them.
My advice would be to stick to your own task of raising a family of nice kids, making sure that each day is as wonderful for them as you can make it, without any further concern about the grandparents. It will be their loss if they lose touch with your children, but there's nothing you can do about it so don't let it bother you.
Also remember that the other end of this scale is worse. Pity the poor mothers whose mothers in law are ruining their
marriages by constantly trying to run their lives. I think your problem is far less onerous than theirs.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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