I have a son 23 yrs. old who lived with his girlfriend and took care of her and her 2yr. old boy, for 3yrs. They now have a little girl 18months old.
The mother decided she wanted to be with another guy. She left him and told him he could have the little girl as long as she could see her. Now he's back home with us. My husband and I have had taken in a few family members in the
past few years, we really did not want this at this time in our life's but it seems we are stuck with it.
We love our granddaughter she is the light of our life, I don't feel that my son is really capable of taking care of her on his own mentally or financially. But the mother is worse then him. We let him stay here with us for now till he can get on his feet, but as the days go by I see he expects more and more from us each day. He pays no rent or buys food for baby or himself.
We just don't know what to do. If it wasn't for the child we would say go out on your own. But for the child we have let him stay I wonder and fear for the child what her life will be like, I don't think my husband or I are in the best of health to raise another child.
thank you for listening to me.
Seems you have two children with you just now, one is 23 and the other is a year and a half.
The older one, your son, might just possibly grow up and get a job and find a place for himself but I can't imagine that you'll want to keep his baby until he has found a wife to look after her.
This added burden means that all the attention that you would have been giving your husband in his "golden years" will be diverted to the baby. You will not be able to do all the things you had hoped to do, and when she is a few years older you will have all the complications of school and so forth. How exhilerating; how exausting! What a bind!
Of course you love your granddaughter and don't think of her as just a nuisance but wouldn't life be much nicer if you could visit her when you pleased and enjoy her company in the usual grandmother and grandaughter relationship!
You do have a choice, and that is to tell your son you can't do this and insist that he find a place to live with his daughter, a job that pays enough to support her, and daycare for her while he is at work. Or you could better that situation by offering to look after her while he is at work.
But demanding that he makes a home for himself and his child, however humble, would probably be your best course of action for now. Help him all you can but don't go on providing them with a free home. Facing the responsibility of his own child might be just what he needs to improve his whole character. If it doesn't work at all; if he neglects the child or doesn't look after her basic needs adequately, then you would be justified in taking her back, but you might find it surprising if you give him a chance to prove himself. You'll have to stand aside and not be too critical, in fact not critical at all. Unless it's a matter of life and death or serious problems, you'd have to let him make the decisions for his own baby.
If it's impossible for him to take her right now, he should at least find himself a place to live away from you and spend as much time with his daughter as he can. It seems to me that the way things are now he might as well not have a child and is getting accustomed to letting you do everything for her. That's not right.
Many towns have social workers who can tell him about services to single parents. He might even join a group where he will meet others in his same situation; most of them being women. Shareing problems is a great way to learn to be a good parent.
As long as you keep treating your son like the little boy he was before he took on parenthood, the longer he will remain a little boy.
I hope you will be able to help him become the man he needs to be, now that he has a daughter.
Good luck,
GG
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