I am at my wit's end, I met 2 lesbians 6 months ago & have become friends with them, (I have an Uncle & Nephew who are gay & also other friends that are gay) They told me how they were looking for the right male to donate sperm so they could have a baby.
I have a daughter to my first marriage & following that had 2 ectopic pregnancies which lead to me not being able to conceive naturally. When I married my present husband who is 8 years younger than me, (he has no children) we went through IVF for 3 horrible years, unsuccessful we gave up & he said that it was not a problem. I also realise that if he left me it would be because he didn't love me anymore not because I could not give him a child. We are still going strong 11 years down the track. My daughter has since had 3 beautiful children which we both love dearly.
So I thought I would suggest it to my husband to donate his sperm, he declined at first & then as he got to know them & probably with me still suggesting it occasionally agreed to do it. We had no result the first month but this month a positive result.
My thought at first was to tell no one, then I thought seeing how my Mother & Daughter are both open minded & my Mother has a brother & nephew that are gay & she also knows the 2 lesbians (I actually met them through Mum at Bingo) that they deserve to know as they would probably be upset if I kept it from them. But to my dismay I have been verbally abused by my mother & my daughter says she feels threatened by it all, she is insecure due to her biological father coming in & out of her life.
Please, I feel so confused & I feel that I have done the wrong thing by my family, but the right thing by my Husband & friends. I would really like the honest opinion of an outsider.
Regards
We live in confusing times, don't we! Nothing is simple any more. Not that it ever was, but I guess our capacity to do
things now that were never thought of before, makes people's behaviour just that more difficult to deal with..
Some people are so shocked by the possibilities that they react in ways they wouldn't, if they fully understood. Your mother and daughter have been so surprised by the possibility that your present husband's sperm might generate a child in another woman, that they don't really know how to react. I think they are in a bit of a panic wondering how they will relate to the child that is being pruduced. Actually, they will be in no way related, but they are both the types of people who can't just accept things without feeling they also must make a judgment.
As I see it, the matter is between your husband and your friends who might now be able to have a baby of their own without needing to be married to a man, which for them would be an unnatural state. While once upon a time this might have been looked upon as some sort of sin, it is not against the law today. I'm sure there are some religions which would frown on this procedure but obviously you and your husband and your friends aren't involved in those beliefs.
When the novelty wears off your mother and your daughter will find something else to get excited about. Meanwhile I guess you just have to roll with the punches, so to speak. Change the subject next time they bring it up. Don't even mention it around them. In fact, the less you talk about it anywhere, the better. If your husband were donating blood to a friend, nobody's eyebrows would be raised.
Your lesbian friends don't need to advertise the source of their sperm and surely your husband isn't going to turn the episode into locker room talk at the golf club.
When the baby is born you will of course be interested in seeing it and probably enjoy watching him or her grow up, as you would the children of any other friend.
I think your best course is to let the gossip flow around you until it dissipates, but not to take part. You don't have to
justify what your husband has done. You don't even have to express an opinion. If friends or relatives try to force you to say it was wrong, just don't satisfy them with an answer. Whatever you say to support what he has done will only be used as arguments against you later, so say nothing.
There's always a time to say, "This is a subject I don't wish to discuss." Having said that, you should either leave the room, or far better, ask them what they thought of Al Gore's nomination acceptance speech, or of the tragedy of the Russian sailors in that sunken submarine. There are far more interesting things to talk about than personal biases about personal matters.
When your mother and daughter finally realize that you and your husband still and always have a great marriage which has no bearing on what he is doing with his sperm, they will find something else to worry about.
Anyone's opinion about what your lesbian friends are doing and your husband's part in it, is of no matter here at all. The important problem for you to solve is how you are going to deal with it, when confronted by detractors. My advice is to refuse to discuss it anymore with anyone - except your husband.
Even among usually broad-minded, good friends, you will discover that one of them is likely to quote you and misquote you far and wide. So just be happy, enjoy your life, and say nothing.
Truly yours,
GG
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