I am a single parent with two boys 14 and 12. It has been just the three of us for just over ten years now, but I have now met someone that I really enjoy spending time with. He has a 14 year old son living with him and we met because the two older boys played hockey together. The catch is he lives outside the city we live in and it is a constant fight with my older one to even go out there to visit
Both older boys have told us that if we move in together that they will go and live with their other parent. To top that off my mom has told my son he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to. We have plans to eventually move in together, but are not sure how to deal with these two disgrunteled 14 year olds that are trying to run our lives.
Do you have any suggestions?
Ah yes, life is full of choices isn't it! The children didn't ask to be born. That was your choice. But then you will say falling in love with this new man wasn't your choice, it just happened.
If your son is disgruntled, I woneer why? Where in his upbringing did you let him become disgruntled?
Is he selfishly thinking only of himself? Are you? These are not easy questions to answer.
Even if you manage to get yourself feeling guilty because of one son's attitude, or because of your changing partners, or for any other reason, no amount of guilt is going to help with your decision. Guilt should never be an excuse for any action. You have to talk this out with yourself until it is clear to you what would be best for everyone.
You have managed alone for many years and can probably carry on that way until your children are old enough to move along and live by themselves. On the other hand, you have been lonely long enough and deserve a break. Being with this new man will mean a great deal to you; is there any way that you can get this message across to your son?
At his age he should have concern for others, especially you. As for people telling him he doesn't have to live with you, that's not a factor. People will always try to interfere in other people's lives. Ignore it. If your son wants to listen to
others, there's nothing you can do about that. All you can do is try to be the best mother you can be and ask your son to realize that there's nothing wrong with looking after your own happiness, along with his.
I think that if you and your boyfriend, and all the kids are able to enjoy some really great adventures together, they will be more accepting of him. Do things together to get the feeling that you are able to live together. And when you are all
together, don't sneak off alone with your boyfriend, don't whisper, don't speak to eachother personally - make everything that happens be for all to hear and do.
Your son doesn't want you to devote yourself exclusively to your boyfriend, and resents him intruding into his own exclusive "ownership" of you. That can't change. He will be up and away from home soon enough, so don't desert him now. I'll bet he has never told you how much he loves you and NEEDS you, but his attitude now is crying it out. Heed his need now and go slowly but steadily about the task of melding everyone into one big happy family.
Don't feel too badly if the older boys do go off and make it by themselves. That happens in the best of families. Just keep in touch and be one of those great parents who can manage to help when needed without interfering when not wanted.
You have a lot to think about and your choices aren't easy. But that's life.
Truly yours,
GG
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