I'm having Mother-in-law problems and need some sound advise.
My MIL interferes constantly under the guise of "just trying to help". My husband is completely loyal to her and refuses to step in and ask his mother to back off. When we were first married his parents helped us to acquire a loan on house (she made sure her name was on the title and not mine) and she had a key and used to bring people over to "show" off our house when we weren't even home. I told my husband I did not appreciate it and he said "Oh, she's just proud of it".
She stomped into my home and demanded to know what my religious beliefs were before her grandson was baptized. MIL and FIL "inspect" my home whenever they come to visit and point out various areas they believe are not clean enough while their 3 daughters live literally like pigs. They stay at my house even though they are coming from out of state to be a part of special events for my nieces and nephews, and leave even though my children have "special events" that they promised my children they will attend and then just decide it's not important enough for them to stay for.
I finally stood up for myself and wouldn't allow her to interfere in the raising of my children the last time she came. She stomped off in a rage and we haven't spoken to each other since. My husband is upset that I wouldn't allow her to interfere ("help" in his words). I explained to him that after 15 years of this, I had had enough. I unfortunately told him all the times I felt violated by her unkindness. He apparently had an hour and a half conversation with his mother and she now has come up with the idea that I am some kind of a paranoid.
He is constantly questioning everything I say and do and using the word "paranoid" whenever he can. I am truly getting sick and tired of the situation. He does think that his mother's advice is not right for our family but would never tell her that to her face. MIL plans holidays a year in advance so that it is always done her way. I am not interested in cooking, cleaning, or picking up after them anymore and feel that although I cannot bar them from my home I also do not have to stay home and be their housemaid. My husband says that if I don't not stay home and cater to them it will only make the situation worse.
I do believe they have a right to see their grandchildren and wouldn't keep them from that, but I don't believe I have to put up with their disrespectful attitude towards me.
I'm sure you've read some of the other letters I receive from people who can't get along with their mothers in law, or their daughters in law, and it must make you wonder, as it makes me wonder, why, in so many cases, two adult women can't get along.
You say your mother in law "stomps" in and out. In other words you resent her coming to your house. You say she "interferes", which means you resent her help. You count her hours with your children and compare them with hours spent with her neices and nephews, which means you resent her neglecting your children.
When are you going to stop resenting her and start thinking of her own personal needs, and her own personal feelings towards you. Think through the episode where they were looking for examples of poor housekeeing. Was it exactly as you describe it? Search your mind for your need to describe your sisters in law as pigs.
Do you believe that you are doing a great job of raising your children, or are you feeling insecure because you think your mother in law was a better parent? She raised that wonderful man you married. How did she do that? Is there some sense of false pride lurking in your heart that prevents you from appreciating help from your in laws? When your own children are older, will you want to help them in every way that you can? Can you put yourself into your mother in law's frame of mind and try to see her as an interested parent instead of a stomping unfair ogre?
Look at your situation from a new perspective. You'll hate me for saying this, but that's of no consequence. You are a mature woman by now. Sometimes young girls get married without thinking about the fact that there are other women in their husbands' lives, namely, their mothers. But by now this should have become a part of your life. In laws are there for keeps. They were there before you married this man and by now you should have come to accept them as they are.
You will never be able to change them, you know that. So if you're going to have any peace within your own mind, you'll just have to change your own attitude. Every time you are going to come close to your mother in law, think positively. Try in every way to make the encounter as pleasant for her as you can. And while you're at it, try your darndest to let it be pleasant for your husband too.
You will be rewarded in so many ways if you can make peace with your husband's mother. For him it will be a gift he will forever appreciate.
Expect nothing from her except what has always been going on, but take a whole new look at it. Pretend she is welcome in your home. Recognize everything good about her. Be nice to her and never, never say anything adverse about her to anyone, especially your husband.
You can do it. Your happiness depends on it.
Truly yours.
GG
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