You have more than your hands full and it's not going to help if I tell you that by 19 your daughter should be able to look after her own children. I suppose you've been so busy taking care of her and making sure she stays in school that you forgot to teach her how to be a parent, though that's the main thing she needs to know.
Some schools do a good job of teaching parenting but I guess her school has missed out on that too. So at the time she should have been learning life skills, she's been learning something else. I'm sure that whatever they are teaching her will be of value to her some day, but meanwhile it's no use at all.
Living in a family requires trust, and apparently you don't trust her and even have to lock doors to keep her from stealing from you. This is sad. You must decide how you are going to approach such a problem. First make up your mind who she is, and then accept the fact that you can't do this alone.
If she is a wayward adolescent, beyond your control, seek help from someone recommended by her school principal. They might have guidance counsellors who can find her a foster home. Then get a lawyer to organize custody of your grandchildren.
If she is mentally ill, get a psychiatrist through your nearest social service and then claim custody of the children and have your daughter put into a mental institution.
If she is a thief, tell the police and have her charged with theft. Then ask the court for custody of the children and don't
allow her to return to your home.
If you refuse to house her anymore, she becomes an indigent unwed mother and perhaps the Salvation Army will look after her as a destitute case.
If she's just a naughty child living with her family, then you have to take her into your own hands and treat her as such. Make rules and demand that she obey with the threat of getting police if she doesn't.
If she is a selfish woman making her own decisions, unconcerned with anyone else or even her own wellbeing, then ask her to get a job and go and live elsewhere. If she's able to do that and also takes her children, then you will have to find some social worker to watch her so the minute she neglects the children you can claim custody.
Nothing seems to be very pleasant, does it. Since she has decided to have her next baby adopted, does this mean she is in contact with the father this time? Is there a possibility that he will come to her assistance and make a home
for her? If such a thing as this would ever happen, you might have to face the eventuality of losing the grandchildren, but that could be the best of all solutions.
Supposing your daughter eventually assumes some decent adult behaviour and decides to become a good mother. She has your example to follow and miracles do happen. Or suppose that from this moment on you set your mind to
teaching her some of the things she needs to know to look after her children now, and through the years to come. Could she learn enough to carry on by herself? Would you be a good teacher, or is there somewhere in your community where a good teacher is already operating classes?
The situation you are in now seems like a hopeless trap with no way out, but I think you might find one. Somehow, unless there's going to be a huge fight, or a continuation the current perpetual fight, you and your daughter must sit down and figure out which logical solution would be the best for everyone.
Don't give up on her entirely. Somewhere inside that woman there is a sense of love and responsibility that has just never come to the surface yet. When you talk it over with her, make sure there is no animosity. Take some of the responsibility for the state of things on your own shoulders. After all, you did raise her. Somewhere along the line you were being so considerate of her feelings that you forgot your rsponsibility to teach her how to be considerate of others. Some children learn by example, but others are so wrapped up in themselves, they don't even notice their parents. She also hasn't seemed to learn to respect herself either.
But it's never too late. Take time with her. Talk over problems with her and ask her to help you solve them. Discus other people's situations and share opinions. If she refuses to take some time now to learn from you, then give her the alternative, which is to leave the house, alone.
Make rules. Do things for yourself outside the home that require her to stay with the children. Forbid her to have friends in when you are away. Give her household chores that must be done by her. In other words, pretend she is twelve years old and take it from there.
How about going out to work and requiring her to stay in and be a stay-at-home mother. If you can't, or don't want to get a job, volunteer at the library or at the senior's home or hospital, take an art course, visit Alaska, or join a long-distance hiking club, so the children are thrown on your daughter's shoulders. If she neglects them, call in the Children's Aid.
Discussing this with you without knowing the whole story may seem useless, but somewhere there must be a course of action that will help the situation. I'm sure you've searched your mind, and consulted your friends about it, but really the whole solution rests with your daughter. Ask her point blank whether she is retarded, mentally ill, a naughty child, a wayward youth, a selfish egomaniac, or just a thief. Give her the choice and then act accordingly.
If you can persuade her to stop being all of the above and begin right now to be a sensible, caring adult, you might find a starting point. Then you make plans with her to set her on a reasonable course. Either she continues to live with you, taking her place in the household as mother of those children, or she moves out and leaves them to you. But don't let the decisions all be made by her. You are the key person here. This is YOUR home, and even if she thinks she is a grown woman, she is still a child. Her body may be grown but obviously her character needs a great deal more development before she can claim to be anything but a difficult child.
Going around in mental circles discussing your dilemma with all the people you are caring for in your home, I'm trying to spare your feelings by not accusing you of having neglected an important part of your daughter's upbringing. Time slips by so quickly as they are growing up, it's easy to let things happen without realizing the dangerous possible outcome.
But looking back with regret accomplishes nothing, so I'm hoping you will be able to sit her down and demand a turning point. What will be best for the little ones, now and in their future. These are people, not just babies put here to be a nuisance. They will have problems of their own very soon. Who is going to guide them? You or your daughter, strangers, or nobody?
What will be best for your daughter. Eventually she must wake up and take on her own challenges. When will that be? Try for today.
What will be best for YOU. Somewhere along the line you have to consider yourself, and the other members of your family. Giving your whole life to solving one daughter's problems is not what you deserve.
Since there is no way that anyone except you and your daughter can solve this problem, all the rest of us can do is open up some possible avenues of approach. I hope I've been able to do that.
Very truly yours,
GG
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