Help! My mother in law is so selfish that she makes my stomach turn and keeps me awake at night with anger. She talks about my husbands old girlfriends current sex lives at dinner and then cries in the bathroom
when he tells her to shut-up. The first thing she said when we called her to tell her we were engaged was "She doesn't like me"----Which is very untrue. I have bent over backwards for that woman. I wrote her thank-you notes for
everything, sent cards for everything etc. None of which she does for me.
She ignored my college graduation, gave me a birthday present 2 months late--only because my husband told her that wasn't right. The list goes on. My husband plays football and at games when I was without him, she has invited everyone to dinner and not me, right in front of my face. When my husband confronted her about this she cried and said that she only had boys (3) and didn't know how to interact with girls. Very untrue, she spoils the oldest boy's wife with everything because she feels that (SIL's) parents are well known in their relatively small town.
She has lived off of my husbands fame and still favors the other two boys and their wife and girlfriend. It is very obvious to everyone that she is jealous and hates me. She always makes remarks about my clothes saying they
are too short etc., which they are not. When we go to visit she does not acknowledge my presence when we are alone, however she is nice in front of my husband. She is nice to everyone but me and I am sick of it.
I do not want to have it out with her (again)---the first and only time did not resolve anything. My husband sees my side (most of the time) and is aware of how she treats us both.
My mother and I are very close and the other two girls have no relationships with their mothers---which my MIL loves---she even talks bad about the moms with the girls!!!!!! I know she resents my relationship with my mother.
Help---am I wrong for not wanting to be nice to her? I usually am silent around her, which she complains about behind my back. Is there a solution, or should I just live and let live?
Sizzling in the South
If you haven't time to read this slowly and thinking while you read, don't bother reading it.
You have asked me two questions.
Are you wrong for not wanting to be nice to her? Yes you are wrong. Should you just live and let live? Yes.
From the start you say she knew you didn't like her. Sending her cards and presents apparently haven't hidden the
fact that you don't like her.
You say she is jealous of you. How sad. Search your soul to find what it is about you that has made her realize from the very beginning that you don't like her. What is it about her that you have not been able to like? Why is she
jealous?
You have a mother to love, and who loves you. Those other girls of whom you are so jealous apparently are lacking good relationships with their own mothers. Be glad for them that your mother in law is filling that gap for them. Don't try to balance everything in your own scales. No two people are alike and no two lives will be lived alike.
You and your mother in law are two adult women. You have each been raised in totally different environments and have been taught different values, but still you are now sharing much. She has different ways of fulfilling her role and you just have to understand her motivation.
If I could speak to her I'd ask her to do the same for you, but as far as you are concerned, you can only make changes in your own attitude.
Don't even try to change her mind about you in little ways. Just change the bigger picture by living your own life honourably, with as little contact with her as possible. Don't shun her obviously, just don't get involved except when you need to. Be as courteous to her as it is possible for you to be. Don't ever talk about her to your husband or anyone else. And when you have to be with her, make sure you are not talking about other people - your mother, your sister in law, your husband, or anyone. Talk about things, not people.
A great deal of grief can be avoided by refusing to talk about people.
I can see from your letter that you are forever looking for faults in that poor woman. If you would try to list the good
things about her, I'll promise you things will improve. And don't pretend that she has no good characteristics because
everyone does.
I really do think you are carrying some deep seated grudge against your husband's mother, and that is a tragedy. Just think how great it would be for your husband, and everyone else, if you would get along with her. Two grown women with so much to gain from friendship shouldn't be denying each other.
Hating your mother in law is so dull. Try to be one of those special people who get along. The fruits of such an effort are sweet beyond imagination.
Give it a try.
GG
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