Your son is crying out for help and it is just possible that you can provide it but, as always with mothers, it will need
superhuman strength. What you are going through with your husband requires a great deal of strength. Most of your power must be preserved for him, and for keeping your own life on some sort of an even keel.
The fact that your son has decided to pour out his problems at this moment, and to try to make you feel guilty about them, is extreme poor judgement on his part. It also reveals a characteristic in him that you probably had no part in developing.
If he needs someone to blame for his own failures, it's unfortunate that he has chosen you just now. He is going through some real crisis in his own life and needs a scapegoat. It helps him to feel that his own problems can be blamed on someone else. This isn't unusual. People frequently blame all their weaknesses on their parents, or teachers, or siblings, or spouses, or on "society". That's supposed to relieve them of responsibility.
The fact that he is telling you all this now when he knows you are already troubled is not only poor judgement, it sounds like vindictiveness, but it might just be desperation. Since none of your other family members have told you about his alleged problems I wonder just how serious they really were. If he actually was arrested, you should know that could mean anything. Being picked up in a drug raid won't ruin a person's childhood; it's just supposed to be a warning. I hope it worked.
He is trying to get your attention, and obviously it has worked. You are now distraught about him, but I hope you're not feeling guilty, and I hope you haven't given up. Each of us has to work out our own problems in the best way possible.
We all do what we think is best and you are still trying to do your best. Nothing can be gained by looking back but everything can be gained by looking forward. If he feels he has had a poor relationship with you, ask him to start improving it today. Find out from him what is troubling him at the moment. Something in his life must be impossible for him to face. If he would tell you about it, you might be able to guide him into a sensible solution. Just letting him talk it out will do him a world of good. Putting problems into words is a great help and sometimes the solution just evolves spontaneously.
Lashing out at you is just a ruse to get your attention. Now that he has it, see if you can turn it to some good use for him.
He is no longer your little boy but he is troubled. You are his mother and underneath all his temporary mean mindedness I'm sure you still love him. I think you can help him, but first you have to forgive the things he has said that hurt you. You can't force him to forgive you, you you CAN forgive him.
It is necessary for his own mental health to put his childhood into perspective. If he truly believes that the divorce ruined his life, he should now, as an adult, forget it. But in doing that he has to know the whole story. Be open with him, tell him all about it.
If your son will sit down and discuss all this with you it's possible you could help him a great deal. If he won't take the
time to hear you out, then forget it.
Later on in his life, when he has matured to a point where he stops selfishly flailing at you he will come to realize that you are a fine person and he even might eventually come to you for advice.
In the meantime, you have a number of life's challenges to face. You need all your strength for that and for the years to come. If you can't rely on your son to help you through, at least don't let him make things worse for you.
Maybe you can rely on some of your older children, but most of all you have to rely on yourself. So pull yourself together and handle this in the best way you can. You owe it to yourself to survive all this.
I wish you strength.
Truly yours.
GG
Return to Granny's Query index
