I'll try to be brief. I am 29 I have been married almost 2 years, no children. My sister-in-law, is my issue. She drives me insane and is one of the few reasons my husband and I argue. I came from a wonderful family of limited finances, my dad was a pastor and my mother battled cancer for 13 years. Our money was tight. I worked 3 jobs,
one was the night shift at a battered women's shelter, so that I could get a college degree. I moved out the day after high school and started college during the summer session. I currently work in a help "related" family field.
Most day's I happily assist unfortunate moms and babies that most people would run from. My sis-in-law is @ 32 and never worked a day in her life. My husband's family is extremely wealthy. My husband worked in the family business since he was 12 and is a hard worker. His sis literally never worked a day in her life. Has never been employed. She
graduated at 18 and married at 21. She has 2 very unruly sons 3 and 8 and they sit around the pool all day except for when she sends them to "mom's day out care" or when her house keeper is there.
My husband and I do very well, I choose to work because I can't imagine not. I'll be honest I cannot stand her. It
began before our wedding. She wanted to help and acted like she was left out, but every time I asked her to do something she just didn't do it. I had to do most everything myself because I couldn't afford to have it done. She really wasn't into the "labor" of the preparations. She literally cried when we wouldn't change the date of our shower to
accomodate her sons ball-game. I have had to chase her 8 year old and tackle him in order to get my check book away from him because he rummaged through my purse and thought it would be funny. She just sat there. There have been numerous things.
I finally had enough a few weeks ago. My mom died and the receptionist from the family business brought some dinner by. We got to talking and without even realizing it she made the statement "I don't care what (SIL) says, you were good for this family." I was furious. I didn't mention it to my husband for a few days but when I did he asked her about it and she lied, saying she never said anything of the like.
Every time he mentions anything she always blatantly lies and tries to play it off like she is the wounded one. Well, I am about to blow. The mention of her name makes me boil, but I know my husband loves his sister and so I am cordial to her. We probably see them 2-4 times per month. Honestly, I don't want to be her friend. She wouldn't dream of "brushing" shoulders with a welfare mom, or let her kids spend the night with a kid that lived in an old house. She represents everything I do not want to be. If she wasn't my husbands sister I would have put her in her place a long time ago.
I really am a nice person, and I realize I am probably carrying around an unreasonable and unfair grudge. I tried thinking each day of one good thing about her. I never made it past day one. She's got a good tan.
What do I do?
I'm trying to imagine why two well educated young ladies with different backgrounds can't still get along with one another. You are able to understand and help all sorts of women with problems in the wonderful, satisfying, social work you are doing, yet you say you don't even want to be friends with your husband's deprived sister.
All she seems to have in her favour is a tan, and we know that when she is older it will probably manifest itself as skin
cancer, so what's so great about that?
Your letter absolutely oozes with jealousy of this woman and I am sure she is hopelessly envious of you. What can she do to justify herself? Her children are difficult and she has nothing useful to do. Her laziness, that you perceive, can also be described as boredom. She seems to be lacking in any feeling of being needed. I pity her, and so should you.
Her pouting about little family things that haven't gone her way are more evidence of her frustrations. I know you have said you don't really want to have anything to do with her because you think you hate her, but think of her as one of the people in this world whom you could help. Think of her need, because she really is needy.
Without letting her know how you pity her, try just treating her in a normal way, even asking her advice some day about something. That will be a challenge, I know, but you two can't go on for the rest of your life as enemies.
Never offer her advice, but do go to her to seek it. There MUST be something you could conjure up that she could advise you about. Swallow your pride. Don't think it is demeaning to help other people feel important. She must feel SO inferior to you that she can't think of how to deal with it.
You seem to think that since your father was a pastor and your mother died young, that makes you prone to some sort of discrimination. My father was a pastor, and my mother died young, and there were times when we were very, very poor, but never have I felt inferior to anyone else because of that. There's no correlation.
I've known lots of people who never work. They've never had to work and have never been needed. How empty must be their lives!
Let's turn your whole attitude around so that you can find a way to get along with that strange, sad young woman. Stretch out your hand to her so she will know you really do care, not because she is a rich wife with no focus in life, but because she is a woman, and women need friends. She may have a lot of so-called friends at the club, or wherever she hangs out, but to have a real friend right in the family might make her whole life different.
If you sit down with her next time you see her and tell her about some special problem you are facing among your clients, and ASK her advice. See what might happen.
I wish you every success as you resolve this unnecessary rift between you and her. And please let me know if you're able to make it happen.
Yours sincerely,
GG
Return to Granny's Query index
