I find your page very interesting. I hope, too, you may be of help to me. I am having a very difficult time wading through a situation with my elderly Father who is 97 years old. I hope you can give me some reasonable advice.
My Mother recently died at the age of 89 very suddenly while I was out of town. She was my closest friend, my sister, my Mother and everything you can imagine all in one - including my psychologist. She was not a typical 89 she had a mind like a 55 year old. They had lived in the home they had for many, many years and they chose that instead of moving into something smaller.
Being an only child, everything is for me to handle. My Father insists on living alone in the house and doing everything for himself. He is very alert mentally for his age but has difficulty walking and hearing. I cannot get
him to move to an assisted care facility to save my soul. I live approximately 3 terrible driving hours from him - I have health problems to deal with and cannot be continually running down there. He will not answer the phone (I have installed everything for the hearing impaired - as in flashing lights, etc.) I call the neighbours to check on him - and
it always ends up he is just fine. It is so embarrassing. The thing to understand, he is not staying in that house because of any love for my Mother or fond memories - he did not even call the paramedics when she was dying and
absolutely would not go to her funeral. They really hardly talked to each other in 30 years. I am sure you detect some bitterness from me towards him but I am trying so-o hard do be respectful and all.
What do I do? Do I leave him in the house? I am very afraid he will fall as there is a lot of stairs. He has a personality that is very grumpy and stubborn.. Or somehow, do I force him into an assisted care facility and if so, how do you do that?
He still has his drivers' license which I do not know if that is good or bad and not any assisted care facility allow their residents to have their cars. I would sincerely appreciate any advice. I do not know who to turn to.
But, most of all, thank you for listening. You must be very special to have this web page.
You are a wonderful woman; everyone should have such a daughter. Obviously you are doing everything you can for your father. The trauma of losing your mother has been terrible, I know, and for her sake you are trying so hard to be helpful to your father.
But now is the time to let go. He wants to stay in his house until he dies and you know that won't be for too many more
years. This is his wish so why upset him. Moving to a seniors residence would be seriously upsetting to him. No matter how hard they try to accommodate everyone, they will do the one thing he most fears; they will take away his independence.
Whether he drives that car or not, having it there is important to him. Also important to him is the freedom to eat, sleep,
watch TV, talk with friends, be alone, do anything or do nothing when he pleases.
Let him have these freedoms for the rest of his life. When one day someone notifies you that he has died, know you've made his final years as good as possible, for him.
Don't let yourself become inundated with guilt. Putting him into a home would be easy. All you need to do is call the local social workers and they will start the ball rolling. You might then feel that you had done your best for your father, but I don't think that would be the best for him. I think that would be the best for you, and not being a selfish person, you really don't want that.
I'm afraid, from one remark you made in your letter, that you misunderstand the whole phenomenon of being old. You wrote that your mother, at age 89, had the mind of a 55 year old. This would assume that for 34 years her mind had not developed. Actually, what we achieve, mentally, after the age of 55 is considerable and I take it as an insult when some well-meaning person tells me I think like a "young" woman.
This doesn't bear on the problem with your father, except in one respect. Your friends and neighbours might think you have to make the decision for him because, after all, he is "just" an old man. Well, actually, the wisdom and knowledge of life that he has accumulated is considerable. Let him be the judge of what is right for him.
Simple answer to your question is, in my opinion, let him live as he wishes, and as you grow older yourself, I hope people will let you make your own decisions as well.
The worst thing you can deprive a person of is his freedom of choice.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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