I need help on how to deal with a Step-Mother In Law. First, a quick run down on my Husband's family . . .
He and his sister were raised by his Father. His biological Mother left when he was 3 yrs. and his sister was 6
months and they have never seen her since. Until the age of 18, it was the three of them only. Then his Dad married his Step-Mother.
Now for my question . . . my Husband is now 36, we have a 6 month old Daughter and my Step-Mother in Law fully considers herself the "Grandmother". I, however, do NOT. She barely acknowledged my existence until my daughter was born. Now, all of a sudden she expects me to leave my daughter with her and give them "bonding" time. She is practically a stranger to me! And from what I do know or have observed from her is she is rude, inconsiderate and selfish.
Anyway, I feel that it is an insult to my Mother whom is the biological Grandmother here to teach my daughter to call Step-MIL anything except by her first name. Which, by the way, is what my husband calls her by.
Please help me. I come from a long line of traditional families where people stayed married and there was none of this step this and that. What should I do?
Thank you so much for listening. I love your website.
One thing we who hail from long lines of traditional families must understand is that traditions are in constant flux.
Today's strange new life styles are really not anything new. Traditions change constantly. Though we might think that our "traditional" families with no "step this" and "step that" were always thus, there are surprises awaiting anyone who looks carefully into their past.
A study of genealogy reveals strange truths about past family members that would shock even the most open minded members of the current generation. So don't lean too heavily on your traditional family history. I assure you, if you have a good look you'll find it was just as off-beat as your current situation with your husband's step mother.
Even if his step-mother has only been in the family for 18 years, and even if he calls her by her first name, she has every right to want to be the grandmother of his daughter. If she doesn't seem to like you very much, that's something you can work on too. Meanwhile, don't object to her simple wish. You'll only cause problems with everyone concerned if you don't go along with her happiness at being a grandmother.
Your baby has two grandmothers. Let her enjoy them both and never, NEVER, compare them with each other. If either of them ever starts comparing their time with the baby, don't argue with them, just ignore their complaints, if any such ever arise. (Hopefully, they won't.)
Your own mother is special, of course. Her connection with you and with your baby is obvious. The connection between the other grandmother is, apparently, tenuous. See what you can do to make her feel comfortable with you and your baby.
Life is long, indeed forever, as far as the living are concerned. Try to let this relationship be smooth and without
conflict. As the mother of that baby, you have the responsibility of making her life comfortable. Carrying on a battle with an in law, be she step or not, will create a very uncomfortable environment for your child.
I know you want better than that. Nothing is easy, but accepting this woman's relationship with your daughter will not be your most difficult challenge. Face it with a lot of strength. If you can round this corner without conflict, you'll be doing everyone a favour - your child, your husband, his step-mother, his father, your own parents, and most of all, yourself.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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