I have a problem with hubby and daughter concerning my three grandsons. My hubby wants the grandsons at our house ALL THE TIME. If I complain or say no, then I look like the bad guy and I'm getting tired of this role. I love my grandsons dearly, and enjoy them coming over.....I just don't want to be sharing the raising duties. My hubby wants them over every other weekend and days in between. They have gone on vacations with us and spent every major holiday including staying with us over Christmas for two weeks. I want to be the grandma---not the mother. My husband wants to be the daddy instead of the grandpa. We have discussed this many times and had many arguments.....but to no avail. I always loose or give in because I don't want to damage my relationship with the
boys. They love to come here---
My daughter gives me no support on this....she loves having her weekends free. We also have had discussions and fights over this---but it seems my feelings aren't important.
To give you some background, I married young and my daughter and son are from a previous marriage. My husband never wanted kids and once we married he took a job where he was gone during the week and home only on weekends....so I raised and took care of everything from cars, kids, finances, and our home pretty much by myself. He now says he knows what he missed and wants to make up for that with having the grand kids here. I've been there done that, and want to travel and have as little responsibility as possible. I want to enjoy my life, take vacations and
generally just have a good time. Does this sound like I'm being selfish and self centered? My hubby thinks so.
I've been raising kids since I was 18 and I'm 55. My first husband never supported or helped me and my second husband chose his career over family. I worked for 34 yr. and just recently retired and all I want is to have some freedom and fun.
I need some advice. What can I do?
You need freedom and fun, and all you have is a bunch of grandchildren and a third marriage that isn't working. I notice you call your first two mates husbands while the new one is "hubby". Not sure what to read into this but it IS interesting. The first one couldn't support you and the second was too career oriented. Neither was much good with the children so you had all that responsibility on your own. Now you have a man who is obsessed with the children, but you aren't any more.
I can well understand the feeling. After raising my gang, even though I didn't do it alone and had a great husband helping all along the way, I still felt that when they were grown up I had done my bit in the child rearing stage and was ready to move along to other things, which we did. I've never been one to take over the grandchildren, except in cases of dire emergency.
But there you are, stuck between your need to go places and do things without the children, and your husband's need to have them around him all the time.
It's time for some compromises here. Sit down with him and make a plan. Clear the decks of the children and go to Greece, or the Adirondacks, Vegas maybe, or take up scrabble with some folks your own age, or play bridge, join the church choir, go bicycling, play tennis, whatever - but do something together..
If you can't persuade him to join you as you prepare for a graceful retirement from your baby-tending stage, then do it
yourself. Let him wallow in the thrill of grandparenthood. Show him the Grandparents Web site - where he can chat with other grampaws to his heart's content, while you are off with your friends playing flute in an Irish band, or learning Spanish for a trip to Mexico with a bunch of poets.
There's a great world out there, and there's a period in life to enjoy it - I call it AD - which simply means After Diapers.
Enjoy it and try to get him to enjoy it with you.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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