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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
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I'm not even quite sure where to start. I have so many problems. I have 2 sisters, ages 4 and 9; and also a brother, age 8. I am 15 years old and have a lot of responsibilities. We live with my mother, who is at the moment a single parent. She is constantly in and out of relationships with other men, even though her divorce isn't final. I feel as if this is affecting the quality of my life and my siblings. I make great grades and would like to participate in after-school extracurricular activities, but I have responsibilities at home. Mostly baby-sitting. She frequently stays out all night, not coming home at all. I've tried reasoning with her and she has made some improvements, but it is still very wrong.
My family just moved last August, almost a year ago, from another state. I'm very unhappy. I don't have much in common with anyone here. I'm very depressed. My boyfriend moved here about three months ago, to
be with me. We both live uneventful, and unfulfilling lifestyles. This summer, I probably haven't left the house more than 8 or 9 times, unless my boyfriend takes me somewhere.
My mother thinks she is such a great mother, but everyone knows she is very selfish and has always been that way. Sometimes when she gets angry at the children she tells them she's going to send them away cause she doesn't want
such horrible children. Then later she apologizes... I've blown up and told her how I feel regarding that a couple of times.
I want to move back home. I can live with my aunt until I decide to move out on my own, probably with my boyfriend. Now I know what your going to say. Yes, my boyfriend will be 19 this month, and I feel that that should not affect the way you advise me. We have been together for almost two and a half years. I love him very much, and my mother does not object in any way to our relationship. Both our mothers were very good friends, we were neighbors back home.
But as I said before I am very unhappy here. I cry almost everyday and feel miserable. I know for a fact that if I were living with my aunt, that I would be able to live my teenage years to their fullest. I would be able to graduate at the top of my class. And be all that I can be. I'm so ready to just leave! Trust me, I am a very responsible young adult, even for being only 15. I've lived my childhood as much as I can in this type of environment. I am ready to be independent.
I've asked my mother if I can move up there with my aunt soon, and she agreed. But then recently she has changed her mind, I think because she needs me to be the mother to her children. What do you think is the best way
to approach her with the idea that I want to move in with my aunt as soon as possible? Preferably before school starts in August, so that I don't have to switch in the middle of the year.
Thank you,
Depressed
- Dear Depressed,
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Hang in there until you are 16 and then move away. Meanwhile, help your nine year old sister to be prepared for the role she will need to take after you've gone. She will be left in charge and will go through all the hardships that you did at her age. Your brother, too, will need to be ready to take responsibility for himself, if indeed your mother is as irresponsible as you say she is.
You will never be able to change her habits, or her notion of what parenting should be. But you can accept responsibility yourself, as you have been doing for several years.
Everything you have learned through these difficult times will be valuable to you as you take charge of your own life. You have become aware of how one person's actions affect the people around them. You will be a fine wife and mother one of these days, and in the meantime, when you live with your aunt, and while you are seeing your boyfriend, you will have an opportunity to demonstrate all the good qualities that are yours alone. You do not belong to your mother, though I hope there are some redeeming features about her that you have inherited.
Don't rush away from her, and your siblings, in anger. Go forward into a richer life where you will be able to do well in
school and become the lovely woman you want to be. Make it a positive step, and never forget the people you are leaving.
Use the time while you are waiting for your 16th birthday to cement good relations with them all. Be sure your brother and your sisters know that whenever they need a place to go, you will try to provide it for them. Make them all know you love them and expect them to be strong for themselves and for each other, after you have left.
If things are truly as you have described them, you are ready for a change and you are lucky that the aunt is there for you. But don't make your move an unhappy event. Tell your mother now what you will be doing. At 16 you can live where you please. If you need to get up there before school starts and if you won't be 16 at that time, make it a visit for the period you are still 15. Then make it permanent on your birthday.
Be sure to come back and visit your mother from time to time, if you can manage that. And never lose touch with your siblings; a time may come when they need you, or you might even need them..
Don't judge your mother too harshly. Everybody makes mistakes. You will too. And you will need people to love you nevertheless. Just keep an open mind and be strong. Do what you know is right. You've been expected to act like a grown up for a long time, so you know how. Stay friendly with them all. Don't lose your cool.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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