My husband and I have been married for 5 years. The first two years of our marriage my husband was in graduate school. During those first two years I felt like I had to agree with his mom regardless of my own opinion. I felt that if I went against her opinion I would not be accepted. I felt this way because I listened to her criticise constantly the opinions of others.
However, I eventually realized that My husband and I were married and needed to make decisions for ourselves. My Mother inlaw never imagined that after grad school we would move away. She had land behind her home for us to
build on, she had even tried to find my husband a job. She even bought us a "time share" so we could always vacation with them. I understand that she loves her son very much. But, we felt led to move away from home to a job that was
very promising. We love where we live, but received little support during our move. My mother in law went three months before saying one positive thing about our home. Her biggest dissappointment was that we would not let her cosign the loan on our home. Eventually, that situation smoothed over.
However, her next mission was to have grandchildren. We desperately wanted children as well. However, we had trouble conceiving. It became so painful to hear her constant moaning over not having grandkids. When I finally became pregnant she hovered drastically. She insisted that my doctors were not competent, that I needed to come see my father in law (an ob/gyn), and that my father in law needed to watch over my pregnancy. I felt an enormous amount of pressure throughout my entire pregnancy. My personal doctor was wonderful. I had some spotting early on, so my pregnancy was monitored very close with ultrasound. I did allow my father in law to ultrasound me once, but I felt very uncomfotable with that (I am very shy about my body). He understood my hesitation and did not push. However, my MIL pushed daily.
She wanted video, pictures and a sneak peek of the baby herself. I just wanted my pregnancy to be handled by my own doctor. Unfortunately, when my son was born he had a heart defect. He died three weeks after his birth.
We needed love, support and family more than ever before. My MIL blamed me for his death stating "I bet you wish you had come to your father in law for ultrasounds. This wouldn't have happened" She continued to search for reasons blaming our doctors. When I became pregnant with my second child I was very private with the pregnancy because I didn't want to be hurt.
Now that the baby is here, my MIL acts like nothing has ever happened. She expects to be a vital part. We want her to be a part of our lives, but I don't trust her. I have prayed and prayed and I do forgive her, but I have formed boundaries to try to protect myself. I just wish she could take responsibility for her actions. Instead, her hurtful words are usually followed by an excuse or scapegoat.
How can I better this situation?
I believe that what hurts you the most is the way you interpret what your MIL is saying. She seems to be a very generous, kind, loving but insensitive person. I'll bet she doesn't realize how much she hurts you. When she comes out with remarks that offend you so much, perhaps you should break down and cry so she'll know how wrong she is to even mention these things.
Wanting to help out her son, and thereby also you and your children, isn't unnatural. And as your father in law is a doctor it shouldn't surprise you that they would want to be involved in your pregnancy, but that, of course would be your own choice. It is also natural NOT to go to family for medical treatment. As to blaming the other doctor for your first baby's death, that is cruel and even if she actually said that, just ignore it.
(One of my babies also died of a heart defect. It was nobody's fault but I will never "get over" the tragedy though it happened 42 years ago. You certainly have my sympathy and the only reason your MIL ever refers to it is because she has probably not herself experienced the loss of a baby. If she has, I imagine she pins the blame on someone because in her mind there must always be a scapegoat.)
I could tell you to pity her but I think you already do. I could suggest that you ignore her but that's difficult and will lead
to estrangement which could escalate into a terrible rift with the grandchildren. Try not to let things get out of hand.
You have to enure yourself against the mean things she says but also I think you could make sure she knows how hurtful she is. You don't have to go into hysterics or any such dramatic display, but try walking away and quietly weeping when she hurts your feelings. People who get their kicks by saying nasty, seemingly careless things about others should know how their remarks affect others.
Arguing doesn't help because the end result you need is to have a stable relationship with this woman. At heart I think she is kind and generous. Her major flaw is the need to be criticizing somebody. That comes from a basic insecurity and there's nothing much you can do about that, unless you want to help build up her own sense of worth. If that's going to be your choice, you can start by complimenting her, thanking her, making her feel wanted and appreciated, say nice things about her to others. In other words, do all the things for her that she should be doing for you.
The starting point is to seek and find everything about her that is praiseworty, and then praise it.
It would be great if I could help you by asking your MIL to respect you and give more attention to your feelings, but I
can't reach her. All I can do is put some ideas out and let you figure out what to do about them. Take my suggestions, leave them, ignore them, or just think about it. I expect that you'll come up with a solution for yourself. Just, for goodness sake, don't let the rift between you build up into a lifelong feud.
Families can work together. I hope yours will. Someone has to work for it, and I guess it's going to be you.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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