My mother-in-law and sister-in-law and niece are causing extreme difficulties between my husband, myself and our children. I'm not sure how to diffuse the situation. There's been this attitude for the past 18 years that my sister-in-law is a better mother than I am and they all consider my parenting style too strict. My sister-in-law has no rules
whatsoever and her daughter is free to do anything and everything as long as she doesn't leave home. My sister-in-law and niece do drugs and I have told my sister-in-law I believe it is inappropriate and my son isn't allowed to. SIL allowed my son to do drugs with his cousin in her house.
My son is in drug re-hab at the present time and my mother-in-law is really putting the pressure on to have my son move into my sister-in-laws house when he comes home (he'll be 18 then). I explained to my MIL that they do drugs at that house and I would prefer he come back home, but if he chooses not to that the environment at my SIL is not what he needs.
MIL called my son and I liars, that NO drugs are done at SIL's and husband won't tell his mother the truth, he gives answers like "I don't know" or "I'm not sure". MIL stormed out of my house when I would not concede to a "family pow-wow" about what was best for my son when he returns. Husband is blaming me for making MIL angry. No one else in the family tells mother "no" or goes against her wishes/advice etc. to her face. Where do I go from here?
Where you go from here is probably first to have that "pow wow" with your husband and decide how you are going to run your own family. Make your own plans with no regard for anyone else, least of all your sister in law.
When your son gets out of the rehab program he can decide for himself where he will live. At 18 he is, I believe, legally responsible for himself. If he chooses to live with his cousin, that's his prerogative. You've had 18 years to try to steer him in the right direction and if he resists your advice, I don't think there's anything to be done except let him find out the hard way what is right and what is wrong.
Meanwhile, since you disapprove of what's going on in your sister in law's house, I guess you might as well try to carry on your own life without her. If someone is trying to compare who is the better mother, just ignore the whole subject. Comparing yourself with anyone else is self-defeating. It makes no sense to even think about such things.
Everyone is different from everyone else and there is no reason in the world why you should think about being like her, or wish that she was like you. If you just never talk about her, or your mother in law, or your niece, you'll be able to have a better relationship with your husband. Those other people aren't his responsibility, so don't even mention them in his presence, or anywhere else.
If they impose on you, just be too busy to bother. When your son is ready to come home, make sure he is made welcome in your house and tell him you want him to be happy there. What he decides should not be influenced by your mother in law. You can't force him. All you can do is make sure he knows you will provide a safe, comfortable, hassle-free home for him where he can always feel loved, no matter what he does.
Your situation is not easy, with all those relatives complaining and criticizing you. All you can do is inure yourself to them and live your own life regardless. And never compare.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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